Well, hands up if you were surprised that Manchester United rolled over and gave up three points to Chelsea without so much as a squeak of opposition…

No hands

I thought not.

Of course United owe us nothing and if I was a United fan (eeeugh * gag *) I wouldn’t give a toss about whether or not the non-performance of my team was grossly insulting and unfair to others. I would just sit there stuffing more chips-with-curry-sauce into my fat northern face and quaff another Boddingtons or six.

But as an Arsenal supporter I am annoyed.

Just over a week ago United came to the Emirates, played their strongest possible team and put in a fully committed performance. Fortunately we played well and a draw was probably a fair result even though we gifted them their equaliser.

After that game the Purple Conked Gorbalian who runs Surry United talked about “honouring” the likes of us and Totteringham by promising to put in a similar effort against Chelsea.

I had my doubts, but Fergus the Bogeyman reiterated the point again during the week, saying: “There are three teams chasing those two positions… and I will play my strongest team out of respect for those two other teams. I said to Arsene Wenger after the game last week – don’t worry we’ll play our strongest team, we’ll play a team to win.”

What a lying piece of Glaswegian dog turd.

The “strongest team” he sent out meant dropping his first choice goalkeeper and his best central defender, as well as England’s golden boy, the granny shagger.

Even so, you might say, a United team with a bunch of second stringers should still be able to put in a good performance: and they did have the Premier League’s deadliest goal scorer in Robin van Wotsisname.

All true, but unfortunately this particular Manchester United eleven approached the game with all the enthusiasm of a stallion off to see the gelders.

Chelsea weren’t much cop, but it was obvious to me from early on that they were going to end up winning and they duly did.

You would have to go a long way back to find a United performance with as many misplaced challenges, half-hearted tackles, aimless boots into touch and woeful attempts at finishing.

In the first half I counted four clear chances on goal for Brave Sir Robin alone, including a one-on-one with the Chelsea ‘keeper. I have no doubt that against us one or more of those chances would have ended up in the back of the net. Yesterday the Dutch Skunk fluffed them all with an air of studied non-interest.

I had been harbouring a vague notion that BSR might put himself out a bit to do us a favour. Why a favour? Well, you know, there were all those years where we paid him millions of pounds to lie on a physio table and trot out for half a dozen games a season and still get brilliant support from the fans.

But the more I thought about it the more it dawned on me that it would suit BSR for us to fail to make the Champions League. I am pretty sure that the poor, abused little boy inside Sir Robin is wracked with guilt about the way he stabbed Arsenal and Arsene in the back. Sure, the mountains of cash and the new shiny medal will make up for it a bit, but he knows what he did and he can’t be happy with himself about it.

So anything that justifies his decision to crap on us will be clutched at eagerly. And if we don’t make top four this year he can say: “See, I knew I was right to leave. They are on a downward spiral.”

So I believe that even if the entire Chelsea team had suddenly collapsed to the ground mid-game from a strange Chav-borne illness (Coleosis? Macrotising Terryitis?), leaving BSR to run towards goal unopposed, he would still have put the ball wide.

Anyway, the Chelsea win means that Top Four is still not in our own hands.

I also watched the Totts against the Saints on Saturday. They were rubbish – the world’s first ever One Primate Team. And to be fair, when Gareth Bale popped up to score exactly the same type of goal he scores in most games, there was a bit of me that thought he deserves to play in the Chimps League next year.

But the wins for both our London rivals mean that we all need to become Chelsea fans on Wednesday (eeeugh * gag *).

If the Spuds make a monkey of the Chavs and get all three points, we can still finish fifth even if we win our final two games.

The best result is a Chav win, as Bayonne Jean explained very clearly in comments last night: “Many think that a draw is more desirable, but not if you look at the maths:
Baseline: Arsenal maximum points is 73.

“Chelsea win takes them to 71 with two fixtures left. Downside: they would then only need one win to pip Arsenal, and they are highly likely to do that. Even two draws might be enough for them, as they have current +3 gd on Gunners, which may be enough even if Arsenal win remaining two. But upside is that Spurs would stay at 65, with maximum of 71. This gives Arsenal chance to finish with a win and a draw, giving Arsenal 71 as well, and hold on to fourth based on current +13 gd vs. Spurs.

“On the other hand, draw between Spurs and Chavs doesn’t buy much. Draw takes Chavs to 69, where they would only need win and a draw to tie Arsenal at 73, and they would likely maintain gd tie breaker. Spurs at 66 after the Chelsea draw means that Arsenal would still need to win both remaining fixtures to ensure staying ahead of Spurs at the end.”

It is what it is. All we can do is win our games; we can’t influence what happens elsewhere as the can’t-be-arsed match-throwing antics by Manchester United yesterday demonstrated very clearly.

All I hope is that one day, very soon, the tables are turned and United are desperate for us to do them a favour in a game that means nothing to us.

When that happens I hope that Arsene and his players remember Buster McBloodvessel’s “promise” to field his strongest team and that we pay him back in kind.

Bitter? Me?

You bet!

RockyLives