It’s time for all true Arsenal supporters to stand up and be counted.
We need to take back our club and its traditions from the corrupt mind-control conspiracy that has taken it from us.
To that end we are inviting every Gooner to put on a white scarf and join us in a protest march before the home game against Aston Villa (route details below).
On arrival at The (Evil Corporate Brand Name) Stadium, we will nail our list of demands to the big black cannon by the front steps. Our demands are these:
- A club of Arsenal’s stature should have a wider range of pizza flavours available on match days. Where is our Hawaiian? Our Napoletano? Our Sloppy Giuseppe? With a bit more ambition we could have some world class pizza toppings at the ground.
- Our kit: much has been said and written about our shirt. But what about the shorts? Why oh why have we abandoned the classic, billowing, knee-length shorts once worn by legends like Cliff Bastin and Ted Drake? “Drake’s Drapes”, as they were known, offered protection all the way down to below the knee, reducing the risk of strains and muscle pulls. And their bagginess allowed players to keep cigarettes and matches (or an apple, depending on inclination) safely tucked away for use during quiet moments in the game. As part of the Arsenalisation of The *@:%!£*& Stadium – let’s bring back the big shorts.
- The Board of Directors of Arsenal FC needs to be more in touch with us, the ordinary fans. We need a representative at Board meetings, someone who is close to us, who shares our animal passion for Arsenal and who has followed the club for a long, long time. We refer, of course, to Gunnersaurus. He’s been supporting Arsenal for 65 million years so there’s nothing you can tell him about tradition. And if that new American owner cuts up rough at the meetings Gunnersaurus can always fire a T-shirt-in-a-plastic-tube at him from point blank range.
- Bring back the Highbury Atmosphere: it’s always difficult to recreate an atmosphere when moving to a new stadium, but we feel the club has been negligent in not helping to safeguard some of the treasured traditions of Highbury, not least the famous “Highbury Library Effect.” Although many like-minded supporters have done their best to maintain our strong tradition of strategic silences during games, it has come to our notice that some “Johnny-come-lately” fans have taken to singing and chanting during these precious moments. We would like to see more “Quiet Please” signs posted around the stadium, and for the stewards to use their powers to “shush” the noisemongers.
- The Manager: while we appreciate the great service our manager has put into the club blah blah blah, it has come to our notice that he is very tall and it is well known that tall managers do not win things. It is time for him to step aside and make way for a short arse, like Mr Phillip Brown or Mr Anthony Pulis. Even better, Gordon Strachan.
So come on Brothers and Sisters in Arsenal. Join us on this march and, together, let’s help bring back the Arsenal we love.
Yours in Arsenalhood, from the secret group of campaigners who call ourselves:
(We Have Lost Our Arsenal Maybe It Fell Down The Back Of The Sofa)
Demonstration Route (Starts 12.45pm)
Assemble at the Chinese chippy in Avenell Road.
Process to that barber’s in Blackstock Road with all the old Arsenal pictures on the wall.
Round the back of the Gunners for a quick pee.
On to Higbury Fields to look at Clive Anderson’s house.
Up Holloway Road to the second-hand sci-fi bookshop to beat up some beardy nerds.
Cheeseburger from the third stall in Benwell Road.
Vomit it back up under the railway bridge.
Into the Armoury to buy a pair of Arsenal furry dice for the motor.
Re-assemble outside the stadium at the big cannon for nailing of demands, free ginger beer and a rousing round of negro spirituals.