Secret Letters Reveal Arsenal Transfer Plans

June 3, 2013

Yes, it’s that time again: time to find out which of the “transfer target” stories have legs and which don’t, based on an ancient and secret formula for decoding the gossip and separating the silver from the dross.

The key lies in the letters.

No, not letters from Dick Law to various European club presidents saying “Please can we have player X. We will give you lots of money eventually but only after we have haggled until the last second of the transfer window. Go on – please.”

It’s far more mysterious than that.

You see just as astrologers find hidden meaning in the music of the spheres and phrenologists divine whole futures from the bumps on your bonce, so too can skilled observers detect clues from the very letters that make up the names of our purported targets.

I am such a skilled observer so, once again, I can proudly reveal the results of the Arsenal Arsenal Anagramometer. It’s a very simple process: you take the letters of a given target’s name, scramble them into new words – and in those words lie the answers to whether those players are right for the Mighty Arsenal or – in some cases – are definitely heading our way.

For example, a couple of summers ago there was a story linking us with a move for the Wolves and Ireland striker Kevin Doyle. There were even some indications that the Arsenal hierarchy really were looking at him as a stop-gap target man.

However, once the Arsenal Arsenal Anagramometer revealed that when you scramble “Kevin Doyle” you get “Evil Donkey” the club dropped him like a hot potato. And rightly so.

Likewise I could have told you weeks ago that Yaya Sanogo would be joining us after I scrambled his letters and came up with: “As a Goon? Yay!”

So now we move onto this summer’s mooted targets. The secrets that emerge from the anagramometer may surprise you…

Stevan Jovetic

The Montenegran striker currently at Fiorentina has been very strongly linked with us this summer. I don’t doubt his skills, but the letters show that he may be motivated by personal greed and may have an arrogant personality that won’t gel with the rest of the dressing room: “Vain – Covets Jet.”

Gonzalo Higuain

Sometimes the revelations of the letters are clear – sometimes they are more cryptic. Higuain comes into the latter category. The supremely gifted, two-footed Argentinian striker has apparently told Real Madrid that he wants to leave – but will he come to us? His scrambled letters come out as “Laughing In A Zoo.” Now that could be a reflection of how he feels currently in the crazy world of Mourinho’s Madrid. Or it could be a metaphor for him having a happy and successful time in the middle of Arsenal’s menagerie of prize specimens from all over the world. I like Higuain so I hope it’s the latter.

Wayne Rooney

Poor old Wazza. We’ve unscrambled him before and it always just comes out as “Nan Were Yoyo.” The idea of a grannie bouncing up and down on a teenage Wayne is guaranteed to put anyone off their supper. And I’m afraid it guarantees that we will not be seeing Rooney with a cannon on his chest.

Edinson Cavani

If we want someone who is the anti-Rooney, then Edinson – who’s been banging in the goals for Napoli – is our man. It’s all in the letters, you see: “Nice – Avoids Nan.”

Julio Cesar

Another cryptic one. Julio’s letters unscramble as “Jail Course”. I know it looks confusing at first glance, but to the trained eye it’s another story – and one that almost certainly means he’s on his way to our squad this summer. For a start, he has had a course of confinement in the jail that was QPR’s relegation season under chief warder ‘Appy ‘Arry and he is clearly desperate to breathe again the fresh air of freedom. Secondly, the meaning of “jail” in the context of a goalkeeper is “secure, safe.” Basically, we’re going to sign Cesar and he’s going to be great.

Victor Wanyama

Unfortunately the letters in the Celtic defensive midfielder’s name do not reveal whether or not he’s joining us – but they do show that if we  get him, we will be getting a player with oodles of confidence: “I Can Avow My Art.”

Clement Grenier

Arseblogger himself has a little dabble at anagramising Clement’s name yesterday. He came up with “Gentlemen Crier” for the Lyon midfielder. Nice try ‘Blogger, but it takes years of dedication to master this particular art. In fact the true unscrambling of the Frenchman’s name suggests that if we get him this summer, it will only be a loan basis and that he will be very, very good: “Renting Le Crème.”

David Villa

I was gutted when I saw the way the letters fell with the Barcelona and Spain striker Villa. He’s a great player and I was hoping we might get him this summer. But “Advil Valid” suggests that if we do, it will be a headache for all concerned. Steer clear, Arsene!

Lars Bender

Who needs an anagram when you’re called Lars Bender, you might well ask. But even the most amusing names can benefit from a spin cycle in the anagramometer. And when we throw in the young Bayern Leverkusen midfielder we find that he might fit in ever so smoothly with our existing midfielders: “Rare Blends.”

Christian Benteke

If Arsene is tempted by the Aston Villa striker I feel impelled to warn him that it would be an unwise gamble. The naturalized Belgian (he was born in the Democratic Republic of the Congo) has had a good season in the Premier League but would be overpriced and may well suffer from second season syndrome. The letters are emphatic on what we should think of Wenger if he signs him: “Arsene In Thick Bet.”

Finally a player with whom we have not yet been officially linked but… you never know. After all, no-one was expecting that Sol Campbell would abandon the swamp dwellers and move to The Home of Football.

Gareth Bale

Let’s just say that if the Welsh Wing Wizard joins us, first he will have to have a “Large Bathe” to remove all traces of N17 pollution… you know, little bits of choke dust, some motes of envy and speckles of spite – all the usual detritus of lingering too long in the shadows.

That’s it.

Thank you for indulging my fondness for anagrams.

If it’s not your thing, no problem – it would still be great to hear what you think are the merits or failings of the above named players with whom we have been widely linked.


Expect Wenger To Buy Another Spaniard.

May 17, 2010

Is it only me who wanders around contemplating the important questions about life, the big issues, the meaningful stuff like — why has Almunia been allowed to stay with us for as long as he has? Considering the amount of blunders he has made over a prolonged period of time, aren’t you surprised why he is still with us at all?

The only justification I can come up with in an attempt to make sense of this mystery is that it must surely all be connected to Fabrégas. My guess is that Big Al has taken on the role of the older brother to the most important, most valuable asset currently at the club.

Imagine the situation: the squad have to travel miles and miles on a bus making boring journeys to and from grounds all over the country. It seems to me that if Fabrégas had to sit for hours on end speaking only in English, regardless of how good he is, it would take next to no time before we would have another Reyes on our hands.

Enter Big Brother Al: what could make those journeys more bearable than a bit of friendly banter in your native tongue; well almost, I doubt that Almunia speaks Catalan but Fabrégas will speak Castilian with almost the same ease as he does his mother tongue.

Wenger has a history of trying to keep his most talented stars happy. In the case of Bergkamp I am convinced that he prioritised the purchase of Overmars for that very purpose. As good as Bergkamp was at speaking English it would still have been a chore after a while and he would have understandably yearned for the ease of his mother tongue.

Henry is another example; in his case, Wenger bought most of the French National team to keep him happy, I jest, of course — but not by much.

This suggestion as to why Almunia has been with us for as long as he has is all well and good but probably the more important question is will Fabrégas stay. As tedious as this question has become the one thing that every muck raking journalist fails to mention is why he left his beloved Barcelona in the first place? The answer, as far as I can see, was his desire to play regular football, something that he was very unlikely achieve at the time with their youth policy being what it was.

In fact, I wouldn’t’ be surprised if the loss of Fabrégas, Merida and Pique, to mention just three, there were probably others, was Barcelona’s wake up call to take their own “Project Youth” more seriously.

Fabrégas left his beloved Barça because we offered him the chance to play; we still do and it is for that very same reason that he will be with us at the start of next season.

Hill-Wood may have all the diplomacy skills as Prince Philip, exemplified by his crass comment suggesting that he wouldn’t get in the Barça team — but he is right. Fabrégas would never have the same playing opportunities as he does with us, Christ we even let him play with a broken leg, it was broken before the Barça game — you know it was.

So we arrive at the purpose of this post: Fabrégas stays but if Almunia goes expect Wenger to sign another Spaniard to keep our Captain company……….David Villa?