The Silly Season calls for some silly pieces and this is unquestionably one of them.
In among the unending tedium of transfer-related babble my mind began a-wandering.
I was thinking about Arsenal… and cars… and Arsenal… and cars… then… BOOM!
The two thought strands came together and made sweet honey in my mind.
“If Arsenal were a car,” I thought, “what kind of car would they be?” (I told you it was a boring day).
A few years ago (during the early Wenger period) the answer to that question would have been easy: something racy, sporty and French but with a sense of history, like a Citroen DS.
But today?
It’s tempting to lean towards a stately British icon like the Rolls Royce (under Herbert Chapman that probably would have worked) – but these days we don’t spend enough to be considered a ‘Rolls Royce’ type of club. A Land Rover maybe? But that makes you think of the wide open countryside, whereas Arsenal are very much an urban club.
We’re too grand to be a nippy little sports convertible; too stylish to be a ‘work horse’ like a Ford Escort van; too successful to be anything that comes cheap.
On balance I would settle for us being a Jaguar XJ12, a “full size luxury car” that embodies grace, speed, history and power. Yep, that’ll do.
But what about our rivals?
Manchester United: they probably have a claim to being the UK’s ‘Rolls Royce club’ but there’s not much nasty about a Roller, whereas there’s plenty nasty about our friends in Manchester – from their bullying arrogance to the paranoid purple-conked Gorbalian who was behind the wheel for so long only to stand down and be replaced by Gollum. So what works?
Well, it has to be a BMW 7 Series. A car that looks good, runs better and seldom breaks down – but is loathed by every other road user because of the self-satisfied front bottoms who drive it.
Tottenham Hotspur: this one’s easy. The Spuds are a Lada Sport. Lots of show, lots of brashness, always in your face, but
however you dress it up, always still a sh*tty old Lada.
Manchester City: unsubtle, no taste, lacking in history or finesse,
driving straight through obstacles rather than round them and fuelled by never-ending amounts of petrol… yep, Man City are a Hummer.
Liverpool: a tricky one this, because it’s hard to tell what make the car actually is. All I can tell you is that it used to be red (I think) and that it’s sitting on piles of bricks where the wheels should be; the stereo’s been ripped out and the windows are broken. Oh, and someone’s done a poo in the back seat (police are looking for a Uruguayan man seen running away at speed).
Stoke City: one of those old fashion coaches that used to take work parties to the seaside on public holidays. Parked, of course.
Any Club Managed By Harry Redknapp: Del Boy and Rodney’s Reliant Robin. He could stand beside it shouting “I’m not a fackin wheeler dealer.”
Chelsea: an armoured limo, of the kind favoured by international diplomats and drug dealers. It’s dark on the outside, dark on the inside, heavy, ponderous and slow. It expects to get its way and you wouldn’t mess with it in a hurry. But there’s not a single hint of joy about it. It represents power, money and greed. And it was built in 2005.
West Ham United: a Bubble Car, of course.
Okay… over to you for some alternatives to the above or for suggestions for other teams I haven’t mentioned.
RockyLives




Posted by RockyLives 
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