Fact is, I’m almost too angry to pen this, and my limited vocab. prevents me from being able to adequately describe my rage. So I’ll simply cc you in on a little note I felt obliged to scribble.
Dear Arsenal Marketing and Merchandising’
Didit here. Customer. I hope you are all well, and that you have been busy, although from where I’m sitting, it’s F**KING IMPOSSIBLE TO DETECT HOW THAT CAN BE THE CASE.
Thing is, a couple of weeks ago I decided to buy a birthday present for someone. Someone was a fan of football, and a German someone. Simple, I’ll visit the Arsenal online store and buy him a beautifully crafted Mesut Ozil figurine. Let’s face it, I knew you’d stock a Mesut, rather than just three injury prone crocks. Obviously, I mean basic business practice. Also, I thought to myself, no Chinese slave camp worth its salt is going to make just three injury prone crocks when the big pennies lie with our international superstars.
WRONG. Jack, Mikel and The Ox. That’s it!!! I mean seriously, ARE YOU ‘UCKING KIDDING ME ARSENAL MARKETING AND MERCHANDISING?!?!?!?
UP YOURS. Off to Amazon I went, leaving a stream of fury in my wake, and yip, there was the little fellow at the first click. Basket. Check Out. Job done.
Or so I thought. THREE ‘ weeks later`. Then I opened the little package. DO YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? THAT’S NOT MESUT, THAT’S BOBBY PIRES. Loved the bloke, but not Mesut is he? What’s with the hair? Where are the eyes? Those black studs in the ears? NOTHING. ITS NOT MESUT IS IT, ADMIT IT. What’s with the Alice band!!! Mesut manned up and dropped the Continental look years ago. B**TARDS.
Sure you can buy an Arsene in zipper coat with a wobbling head for a very reasonable £12 exc. p&p, whereas little Mikel, Jack and Ox come in at bargain basement level £4 exc. p&p, but where are the superstars. Mesut, Alexis and, errr… oh yes, that’s it, we’ve only got two and you pathetic lot can’t be arsed to stock either you complete cretins. I mean, WHAT’S THE ******* POINT IN YOU?
Look, two thirds of your shops are filled with clothes. Fine. You’ve subbed that bit out to Puma. That leaves you with one corner to flog mugs and shit. Here’s an idea, taking a lot of money is a very good idea, and in fact, the only point in employing you in the first place.
I seriously hope the club are not paying you bunch of cretins a Living Wage, because you’re going to have to shift a s*it load of little Mikels every week to keep the lot of you steaming turds in tight clothes.
OH, hang on, maybe I’m being unfair and you have been clever. Yes, that’s your plan, lure them in with the cheap Mikels, then extract thousands for the high end stuff.
YEAH RIGHT. Watches. We all know how much utter knobbuckets like to flaunt their wealth with hideous wrist furniture. Well here’s a clue. You do three watches. Pounds sterling in ascending order 40, 2350 and 4250. Guess which one has sold out PEABRAINS? No wrong, it’s the expensive one. See, people don’t want your cheap crap.
You’ve never worked in the real world have you? You know, had to earn a living. What did you study at College? PE? Prats.
Don’t reply. Not listening.