Dastardly Arsenal conspiracy ……. Bobby Pires impersonates Mesut Ozil

Fact is, I’m almost too angry to pen this, and my limited vocab. prevents me from being able to adequately describe my rage. So I’ll simply cc you in on a little note I felt obliged to scribble.

Dear Arsenal Marketing and Merchandising’

Didit here. Customer. I hope you are all well, and that you have been busy, although from where I’m sitting, it’s F**KING IMPOSSIBLE TO DETECT HOW THAT CAN BE THE CASE.

Thing is, a couple of weeks ago I decided to buy a birthday present for someone. Someone was a fan of football, and a German someone. Simple, I’ll visit the Arsenal online store and buy him a beautifully crafted Mesut Ozil figurine.  Let’s face it, I knew you’d stock a Mesut, rather than just three injury prone crocks. Obviously, I mean basic business practice. Also, I thought to myself, no Chinese slave camp worth its salt is going to make just three injury prone crocks when the big pennies lie with our international superstars.

WRONG. Jack, Mikel and The Ox. That’s it!!! I mean seriously, ARE YOU ‘UCKING KIDDING ME ARSENAL MARKETING AND MERCHANDISING?!?!?!?

UP YOURS. Off to Amazon I went, leaving a stream of fury in my wake, and yip, there was the little fellow at the first click. Basket. Check Out. Job done.


Or so I thought. THREE ‘ weeks later`. Then I opened the little package. DO YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? THAT’S NOT MESUT, THAT’S BOBBY PIRES. Loved the bloke, but not Mesut is he? What’s with the hair? Where are the eyes? Those black studs in the ears? NOTHING. ITS NOT MESUT IS IT, ADMIT IT. What’s with the Alice band!!! Mesut manned up and dropped the Continental look years ago. B**TARDS.

Sure you can buy an Arsene in zipper coat with a wobbling head for a very reasonable £12 exc. p&p, whereas little Mikel, Jack and Ox come in at bargain basement level £4 exc. p&p, but where are the superstars. Mesut, Alexis and, errr… oh yes, that’s it, we’ve only got two and you pathetic lot can’t be arsed to stock either you complete cretins. I mean, WHAT’S THE ******* POINT IN YOU?

Look, two thirds of your shops are filled with clothes. Fine. You’ve subbed that bit out to Puma. That leaves you with one corner to flog mugs and shit. Here’s an idea, taking a lot of money is a very good idea, and in fact, the only point in employing you in the first place.

I seriously hope the club are not paying you bunch of cretins a Living Wage,  because you’re going to have to shift a s*it load of little Mikels every week to keep the lot of you steaming turds in tight clothes.

OH, hang on, maybe I’m being unfair and you have been clever. Yes, that’s your plan, lure them in with the cheap Mikels, then extract thousands for the high end stuff.

YEAH RIGHT. Watches. We all know how much utter knobbuckets like to flaunt their wealth with hideous wrist furniture. Well here’s a clue. You do three watches. Pounds sterling in ascending order 40, 2350 and 4250. Guess which one has sold out PEABRAINS? No wrong, it’s the expensive one. See, people don’t want your cheap crap.

You’ve never worked in the real world have you? You know, had to earn a living. What did you study at College? PE? Prats.

Don’t reply. Not listening.


8 Responses to Dastardly Arsenal conspiracy ……. Bobby Pires impersonates Mesut Ozil

  1. Big Raddy says:

    LoL. Wonderful.

  2. Rasp says:

    Blimey, the Arsenal PR machine must be even more insidious than we thought ….. this post has been rejected by NewsNow ….. I think you’re onto something Micky 😀

  3. Sorry but the swear words have upset newsnow’s filter. I’ll see if I can sort it but it’ll need a new title and everything aaarrrggghhh

    Thanks micky 😆


    hahaha brilliant Micky

    Lets be honest though Micky, if you looked like Ozil you would want to look like Pires to. In fact, you would want to look like any one except Ozil

    You should have gone on to this site I know that does film memorabilia and shit. Theres a figurine there from Young Frankenstein of Marty Feldman. Paint it red & white and your Gerry mate would have loved it.

  5. RA says:

    That is right up there with a Terry Tickler, Micky! 😀

    A real belly wobbler.

    That reminds me – Rocky once said to me, when I had hoped to meet up with you lot one pre-match, that Micky was a very nice guy, but not to walk behind him as he tended to leave a stream of fury in his wake.

    At least you have warned any newsboys who want to meet in the pub first – and I will wear a pair of Eddie’s wellys when I eventually meet you and the other alcoholic AAers. 😀

  6. That’s hilarious Micky, cheered me up on a wet Friday morning. Thank you.

  7. All change, this one hasn’t appeared on newsnow so I’m going to close it and publish another which is the same but slightly different.

    Back in a bit, you can all move your comments over if you like.

  8. New One should be up now ………………

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