Arsenal’s World Ranking

Ok, for one short moment, imagine that you are a top flight footballer and that you have no DNA whatsoever, you come from no Land or Kingdom, and for you foreign food presents not too great a threat. Oh, and you don’t get homesick (well you wouldn’t would you).

So, here’s the question, where do The Arsenal rank for you, The Alien?

Here are one or two things that may appear on your Think Radar:

  •         Chances of silverware
  •         Cash
  •         Weather
  •         City
  •         Stadium
  •         Club Status
  •         Style of football
  •         Quality of the indigenous people
  •         Grub

I’d immediately rank Barca and Real as the top two without a moment’s hesitation. Then what? I suppose your age will shape your thinking. If, for example, you were born in 2003 and are therefore 12 years old, you may consider Chelsea an option, however the old and wise amongst us may still rate Inter, Milan and Juve as part of the world elite.

Hamburg and Borussia Munchengladbach used to be amongst Europe’s biggest guns at the same time as Liverpool, but there positions have been taken by young guns such as Dortmund. Ditto in France. St.Etienne by PSG and so on the world over.

Rome might be a nice place to live for a few years, as may Prague.

Mmm, here’s an interesting one right now, where do the Manchester Clubs rank. Dark damp place to dwell. Utd the history, perhaps City the promise. Time will tell on that one.

I know this is possibly the toughest question you will have faced. None of us can conceive of playing for anyone else, but then to be honest, I’d be bloody lucky to get a game for Dynamo Saunton Roundabout Services.

Written by MickyDidIt89


100 Responses to Arsenal’s World Ranking

  1. Thought for the day….


  2. chas mobile says:

    Cheers, Micky.

    Apart from the first two, silverware and cash, this looks like your’s and Big Radford’s selection criteria for a decent European away trip!

    Dynamo Saunton must be pretty picky. I assumed if you turned up with your plimsolls (even if broken), you’d automatically get a game.

    Arsenal’s appeal must have risen with the signings of Ozil and Sanchez. 🙂

  3. Eddie says:

    there you go micky

    • Chances of silverware – important, but not by any means – this rules out Chelsea
    • Cash – important, but not the main consideration – this rules out Chelsea
    • Weather – important, mustn’t be too hot or too cold – all Spanish and Italian clubs are too hot, Manc and Celtic too cold and windy
    • City – not important at all
    • Stadium – important, but not the main consideration
    • Club Status – fairly important – this rules out Tottenham
    • Style of football – very important – this rules out Chelsea
    • Quality of the indigenous people – important – this rules out Chelsea
    • Grub – not important at all

    This analysis leaves only one club I would seriously consider. Arsenal.

  4. This is very ambitious! Could you please explain “grub” Micky!

  5. Rhyle says:

    Love it Micky…It’s a bit of a Saturday morning marketing exercise! How strong is our “brand” across the world…and how would it influence players joining us.

    We’re arguably amongst the best known and most liked clubs in the land (Source: ), but we’re hampered by being in one of the most competitive (if not THE most competitive) leagues in the world. For some, that may be an attraction all in itself but if you’re looking at guaranteed titles…there’s Italy, France, Spain and Germany where the money is just as good and the competition weighted to one or two clubs.

    I’d argue the city IS important. Players coming from all over the world require a multi-cultural environment – London is certainly a pull here – but Latin Americans clearly benefit from the cultural fraternity of Spain & Portugal (as well as Donetsk in the Ukraine…). We’ve also heard many stories over the years of players and their families failing to settle in new cities – hell, even David Unsworth’s family found London (well…West Ham, so probably Romford) hard to settle in (if it was Romford…speaking as someone who spent a chunk of their life there…I don’t blame ’em). Over the years we’ve heard plenty of Player X didn’t go to Team Y because “Manchester, let’s face it, is an industrial haemorrhoid on the bung hole of England”. I suppose weather comes as part and parcel…and if you’re a callow man, like Reyes and his phone prank RM begging, or you have a family who considers their short-term (3/4 years) comfort over your long term career aspirations, it can be used as an excuse to run away home.

    Anyone who looks into the history of football to even a shallow degree will quickly become familiar with Arsenal. Numbers on shirts? That was us. Floodlights? Thanks again, Herbert…and I could go on. Our profile in the world game may not be “elite” when it comes to trophies over the past few years, but few can claim to have shaped the world game in the way Arsenal has over the years. Big tick – and the way that Sanchez has spoken over the months since joining us, and the way the Henrys, Bergkamps, Pires’ of the world fall in love with us implies that it is a factor.

    My top 10, and I’ve tried to be as pragmatic as possible:
    1. Barca – just about and only because who wouldn’t want to play with Messi?!
    2. Real Madrid
    3. Bayern Munich
    4. Chelsea – hate saying it…but lure of ££££, trophies and (I get a chill down my spine just thinking it…) Mourinho does attract players.
    5. Arsenal – I would have put us much, much lower this time last year – around 8 or 9 – but with Ozil, Sanchez, our football, form and Wenger? Married to the FA Cup last year and the possibility of delivering it again this year…we’re a very attractive option. As attractive as we were in the late ’90s, early ’00s.
    6. Man City – ££££ & trophies. Will attract only the highest calibre mercenaries.
    7. Man Utd – the shine is off but they’re still an attractive proposition due to the recent dominance and LVG will draw players.
    8. Juventus – Nowhere near the force they were, but still a romantic option. The Old Lady still regularly signs players, particularly strikers, who are (frankly) out of their weight class. A strongish team in a weak Serie A may appeal to title hunters, too.
    9. PSG – ££££, titles in a stacked Ligue 1, the opportunity to live and work in Paris. Players seem to come for the cash and stay for the city.
    10. Atletico Madrid – CL runs and recent title success have put these boys right up there, in my books. The vermin that is Simeone has done a great job in getting a middleweight team punching at a heavyweight level. Won’t be able to compete with the rest of this list on £££ but certainly can on quality of football and achievement.

    Sorry for the long read – but really enjoyed giving this some thought!

  6. 1. To dig up by or as if by the roots: grubbed carrots with a stick.
    2. To clear of roots and stumps by digging: grubbed a small plot.
    3. Slang To obtain by importunity: grub a cigarette.
    1. To dig in the earth: grub for potatoes.
    a. To search laboriously by or as if by digging; rummage.
    b. To toil arduously; drudge: grub for a living.
    1. The thick wormlike larva of certain beetles and other insects.
    2. A drudge.
    3. Slang Food.

    Is it food you are talking about or could it be something completely different?

  7. It’s It’s a slang word for food Lehmann.

    Only very uncouth people from the West of England would ever use it in polite society. 😀

  8. Rhyle says:

    Micky – your article is currently in the “Top Stories” on Newsnow. Nice to see! 😀

  9. Oh, I see. In sweden we have a similar word: “krubb”!

    I guess being an alien the most important thing is left out from Mickys “think radar” – to have the managers trust, and a good connection with him.
    Off course a manager could be shipped away any time, in most clubs but still… Here is my (swedish) verdict. And I put Arsenal in A, B, C, D or E category where A is highest elite.

    Chances of silverware – B
    Cash – B
    Weather – E
    City – A
    Stadium – B
    Club Status – AB
    Style of football – AB

    The quality of the indigenous people is not so interesting since I wont be meeting them a lot. Of course the culture of stadiums and football in general is of interest – and in this regard I rank England in top – although being a bit sentimental I would probably have liked to play at Highbury a lot more than on Emirates. Like in many areas where a lot of money comes in the soul walks out. I find a half empty stadium in Livorno with passionate supporters a lot more tasty then playing in front of football tourists of a big modern place.

    I also think its very interesting how some players seem to fit in some types of clubs and not others. Underdogclub-players, topdog-players and so on. Me, I would never feel at home in a club like Bayern Munich where it seems to be part of the parcel to be arrogant and superior. For the same reason I am a bit sceptical about Real Madrid for instance. I would love to come to a club pushing for the top but not being quite there. Imagine coming to Arsenal in 98, like Ljungberg, for instance.

    (How many vulgar connotations are there in this text that I dont understand?)

  10. Looking at today’s footballers, their prorities seem to be:-

    1) Cash, in great quantities.

    2) Availability of hairdressers, to maintain their ludicrous hairstyles.

    3) Availability of tattoo parlours, for sadly all too obvious reasons.

    4) Availability of dealerships for bling encrusted motorcars.

    5) Availability of accountants of dubious integrity, to facilitate tax avoidence schemes.

    6) A fawning, celebrity obssessed tabloid press.

    7) A gullible fan base willing to stump up their hard earned dosh to support a standard of life-style for these over-paid, over-hyped “sportsmen” that they themselves can only dream about.

    Am I being overly cynical?

  11. I’m sorry Micky but haven’t got time to read your post… sure it is excellent as per normal. Just want to say that my final post is up on GunersoreArse, My pilgrimage to the Emirates

  12. For instance: Maradona in Napoli was an interesting combo. I was in Naples and could somehow grasp something tiny about what it would mean to be adored in that city.

    I think Napoli suited Maradonas mental-emotional profile just perfect. Fighting against the rich north and so on…

    For me personally Arsenal would rank very high, and the main reason for that would be Wenger. Then I would be tempted by playing with Özil and Sanchez. And to get a hug from Mertesacker when needed!

  13. Glad you enjoyed your pilgimage NB, I’m always saddened by the changes I see whenever I visit old haunts. I try to avoid such visits now, there are so many new places to go and things to see in the world today and it’s easier to retain old memories when not faced with present day realities.

    It’s a shame about you blog, I visited it on odd occasions and found it interesting.

    Keep in mind the old adage… A day without wine, is like a day without sunshine.

    I look forward to “seeing” you on AA in the future.

  14. RA says:

    Norfolk, I think you have given Lehmann a complex about words used in the vernacular – which given his English is excellent (like many Swedish people) is a bit cruel. 🙂

    Tipping a waiter – gratuity
    Tipping point – two fat men on a seesaw joined by a third fat man.
    Tipping your hat – showing respect [archaic]
    Tipping a cow – pushing over an unfortunate cow
    Tipping the velvet – girls and velcro

    Explain yourself, sir. 🙂

  15. Eddie says:

    no Lehman, grub is not crap until it makes its way through the intestines

  16. Oh, no problem RA! But there seems to be a lot going on under the waist in your language…

  17. Thanks for the lesson by the way. I am fond of vernacular expressions.

  18. The Cockie Monster says:

    Guess who I want to win ?

    A clue !

  19. Big Raddy says:

    Entertaining read.

    Some great comments as well which cover my thoughts on the subject.

    I would add top top tottie, discreet hotel staff (unlike the OG business), access to mediation and yoga facilities, a car”pimper”, friends with shisha pipes, houses with jacuzzis +++

    but essentially it as the great classical composers Benny and Bjorn explained in their masterwork … Money, Money, Money

  20. The Cockie Monster says:

    Alas my footballing days are over apart from the Thursday night 5 a side, so I look at this from a different angle !…….the one of being a dashing dodgy cockney international man of mystery jewel thief, lady swooner and part time van driver !.

    Chances of silverware and cash ?………………Diamonds for me !… low can I go ?…….very !…..I`m the Raffles of vaggazled labia !.
    The rest !….irrelevant !, as I have a mouth full of ice at the moment and having trouble making the fence jeweller understand my mumblings !. hahaha

  21. stevepalmer1 says:

    Evening all, Nice one Micky. No DNA no Country, Well Where would i like to play, For a start i would also like to be 40 years younger or more, with blinding looks and a massive todger.

    I would go for a country i could speak the Language No 1 important’s. No 2 would be climate warm all year round without extremes. i would of course want massive wages. I would want to walk about without fear of crime . Football club doesn’t matter, as long as i got the other things.

    The unimportant things is status, trophies you only want them to brag with, Stadium any size as long as it had a well maintained Pitch. It would also need nice open countryside so i could relax in peace and quiet but still fairly close to civilisation when i needed a change.

    I wouldn’t care who i played with as long as i could understand them, i would want a good Manager who would play me in my preferred position, I would also like a club that has a good following of good looking ladies who love footballers, do you think there are any clubs around like that. I fear i may of left a few things out but i am open to negotiations.

  22. Big Raddy says:

    Top bloke Manny – hope he wins

  23. Eddie says:

    he did, what fantastic saves!

  24. Big Raddy says:

    Boaz Myhill is my Hero of the Day 😀

  25. Eddie says:

    sorry Raddy, I thought you meant Myhill for Hull 🙂 he beat ManU

    I want Manny to win too, because he is humble. But Mayweather is better looking, tough one for me…. I doubt I will watch it, too brutal. I loved boxing when I was younger, but now Iam too squimish

  26. chas says:

    Poor wOBIN..

  27. custom roromolding

    Arsenal’s World Ranking | Arsenal Arsenal

  28. Eddie says:

    good fight, glad I watched it

  29. mickydidit89 says:

    Thanks Rhyle, Lehmann and other lot 🙂

    Sorry not around yesterday to defend myself, but one thing leads to another, and yesterday ” another” was the beach

    After some thought, and speakking in the right now, I’d rank Arsenal 5th, which actually really surprised me, as pre-think I would gave guessed 8-10th

    Today I ache 🙂

  30. chas says:


  31. chas says:

  32. chas says:

  33. mickydidit89 says:


    Was the fight a fix? I had heard a “convenient” draw was highly likely

  34. chas says:

    I didn’t even watch it.
    Over-hyped shite.

  35. mickydidit89 says:

    Blimey, I guess a Totnum win today would be a good thing. Let’s at least try and get the little shits into The Thursday Cup, while beating The Oilers in the process

  36. mickydidit89 says:

  37. chas says:

    come Armageddon
    come Armageddon, come

  38. Eddie says:

    no micky, it wasn’t a fix. Manny thought he won. I am no expert I thought he won too. But expert next to me said that no way, Mayweather was mesmerizing. Whatever.

    Mayweather parked the bus and scored on counter. Manny was a bit like Arsenal (attack, attack, attack) but less technical.

    I spent half the fight looking out for my horrid son. There was one fellow looking like him but had considerably more hair 🙂

    I’d say rematch is very likely, everybody made shitloads of money and some had good time. No harm done, let’s do it again

  39. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    It cost €70 to watch the fight on TV in the States!!

    Given that so many mugs agreed to pay such an exhorbitant fee it will not be long before the TV companies realise they can charge more for football – even to the point where they will charge for individual games.

    ATM we get PL, CL, Football league etc for a monthly fee but I bet they will start to charge extra for the CL in future.

    Would you pay?

  40. Eddie says:

    I’d pay £7 for footy online for 2 months and get to watch Mayweather rematch for free 🙂

  41. Eddie says:

    Seriously though Raddy – I would only pay for our fixtures in the CL. The rest are fairly meaningless otherwise. And when it gets to the usual Spanish + German + Italian/English/Dutch quartet it’s seldom really entertaining. No. I would neither pay nor watch

  42. Big Raddy says:

    Eddie. I would probably do the same.

    How much would you pay for a game? €3, €5 or €10?

    I pay the yearly fee for footy online. It is worth every penny. They did not take new customers for a couple of years, I wonder if they do today.

  43. ‘morning all,

    Listening to the radio this morning, they reckon Manny Pacquiao had a shoulder injury for the last three weeks, it stopped him using his right from the third round onwards.

    The fight should have been postponed, it was a massive con. Utter disgrace.

  44. Rhyle says:

    Agreed, NG…but not just because of an iffy shoulder. Mayweather’s lack of aggression bordered on criminal. “Master technician” they call him…he’s the Steve “Boring” Davis of boxing…maybe even as dull as Stephen Hendry…

  45. Rhyle, I didn’t watch it, but the impression gathered from the radio and internet news sites was a generally disapointing fight. They are even talking about a re-match.

    Just how gullible do the promotors think the public are?

  46. Rhyle says:

    If there is ANYONE in the UK who’d part with another £20, let alone anyone in the US who’d part with another £100…I have a business proposition they may be interested in…

    Before, during and after the fight it as all too friendly – complete lack of animosity. Can’t help think it was all just a final payday for both men…neither looks like they’re particularly proud of their performance or the effort they’ve put in…

  47. Eddie says:

    NG – very gullible 🙂 Front row seats were going for $250k and many celebs couldn’t get any. 80,000seats and a massive sell out. Same will happen during the rematch

  48. chas says:

    Interesting talk about pay-per-view football.
    I would never pay to watch online. This is partly down to the largesse of my brother and partly because I already shell out a fortune watching live games. (also there’s usually a way to watch for free, i.e stream or pub)

    In the light of the article below, I wonder how viewing figures for individual clubs compare. Obviously it’s fairly difficult to compare fixtures like-for-like, but can you just imagine having to pay to watch Chelsea games on TV or computer every week? 🙂

  49. Eddie says:

    Rhyle – I am the one to argue with people (on Sundays), but both men risked their lives. If some of the punches thrown at them reached the target they would not have time to enjoy the payday. Plus, they are the 2 best lightweights in the world. I mediocre footballer can earn £100mil during his career without as much as
    getting hamstring

    Raddy – depends how much money I had. if the bank balance was healthy, then probabably up to £20, otherwise £3 🙂

  50. Eddie says:

    watching games in a pub ain’t free. One pint costs you £3 so in your case you probably leave £30 behind

  51. chas says:

    If you followed that argument, having sex isn’t free.

  52. Eddie says:

    chas – I don’t get it!!
    you don’t have to drink 10 pints @£3 a pint to get sex, or do you 🙂

  53. chas says:

    The beer goggles don’t work otherwise.

  54. chas says:

  55. chas says:

  56. RA says:

    What has happened to Norfolk’s Post?

    Rasper was paid 10p to ditch the original, NG launched a replacement onto Nuts, and………….

    Postism is rife throughout the land – well, on AA anyway. 🙂

  57. stevepalmer1 says:

    Afternoon all, I paid the twenty quid to watch the fight , was trying like mad to get a stream on my stream box with no joy, 2 minutes past twelve i hit the pay to view button, but didn’t realise i would have to wait four bouts before the big one , its was after four when it finally came on, i had the spirit bottle out all night so was a little pie eyed by the time the fight started, i woke the Mrs up to tell her it was on which never pleased her but she still came down to watch.

    I watched the 4 bouts before the fight and picked the winner out in them all although i didn’t know them but the big fight i picked Manny out as just winning it for the sheer aggression but as so often the case the experts had Mayweather winning by a landslide. Maybe i was tired i dont know but i watched it again this morning and still felt like Manny that he was winning. As Eddie said park the bus or run and back up all night must be a new rule.

  58. chas says:

  59. chas says:

  60. Eddie says:

    I was driving home on North Circular at 2pm and the traffic was diabolical. We were crawling along slowly and to my horror I noticed some drivers waving their fingers at me. Took me a while to remember my reg 🙂 🙂

  61. mickydidit89 says:

    Spuds City is good

  62. mickydidit89 says:

    That was the first non Arsenal game I’ve watched all season. Good it was too.

    Bonus being only Gunners could find joy in any result, on this occasion, Spurs losing at home 🙂

  63. Big Raddy says:

    Crap results today and I am praying for rain in Bridgetown Barbados 😦

  64. GoonerB says:

    Evening all. Strange to be supporting a spuds win through that game but I don’t think City winning is a big deal for us. I think the important result of the weekend was Utd losing. We should really be able to secure at least 3rd now even if we lose up at old toilet.

    Loved the post yesterday into today Micky. You must surely take your inspiration from a modern day genius 🙂

    I think Arsenal have an awful lot to offer. Yes there are a few clubs in Europe and 1 (maybe 2) in England that are slightly ahead of us in quality and ability to win the big prizes at the moment, but I use the term slightly because I feel we are very close and should be ready to take that next step now.

    Many top players will perhaps recognise this and want to be part of it. We offer great location and it is well known how players are well looked after at Arsenal.

    There are a few clubs who can trump us in wages but we do actually offer excellent wages and can now increasingly go higher for those special players.

    The grub in London is very good boasting a number of Michelin star restaurants. The locals are varied and multicultural therefore catering for most players from most countries…..apart from those regular locals on here of course who tend to exhibit deviant tendencies bordering on insanity….but here’s hoping Lionel Messi (yes you heard it here first) doesn’t read this blog 🙂

    The style of football…..well what can I say other than what Del Boy would say “Beujolais sur magnifique Rodney, Beaujolais sur magnifique”.

    In conclusion I really don’t know what Messi, Ronaldo, Pogba, Suarez, Neymar and Alan Hutton are waiting for.

  65. Thierry Henry hilariously telling the world that Tottenham are shit without actually saying so.

  66. mickydidit89 says:

    Good points about London, GB

    Funnily enough, when I was formulating my own ranking table, I gave a fair amount of thought to PSG.

    Paris is arguably the most beautiful city in the world, however, more alien footballers will speak some English, while invariably no French, but what really swung it was when I thought about the grub, and into the equation came Parisian Waiters. Without a shadow of doubt, the rudest and most intolerant collection of creatures on earth. They, single handed, put PSG out of contention 🙂

  67. Big Raddy says:

    Didit. Have you lost your senses??? Paris the most beautiful city in the world? Not even in my Top 20.

    Parisians some of the rudest on the planet. Crime rate high. Racial and religious tension. Suburbs dangerous. Centre full of fat German and American tourists. Flights unreliable due to strikes. Taxis effing hopeless. Traffic terrible and the roads are full of maniac French drivers who make cycling truly hazardous. Loads of street beggars. The metro stinks of takeaway food. Eiffel Tower area full of pickpockets. Obesity abounds. I could continue but RC is a resident ( 😦 )

    Food’s good though, so is the wine. And on a summer night the banks of the Seine are magical. Some of the architecture is good to look at though the modern buildings are dreadful.

    All the above would put PSG out of contention.

  68. Gööner In Exile says:

    A draw at Hull to celebrate St Totts Day, feels like it’s starting to happen earlier again?

    Somewhat shocked by Uniteds results in last two, I thought the run of Dippers, Spuds, Chavs, Everton and then us would be their undoing, that they won 2 of the tough ones made me think they’d walk 4th and challenge for 3rd, but losing to Everton and WBA wasn’t in my assumptions.

    Really not bothered by Chavs winning the league, in so much as it was over several weeks back when were gifted wins by Stoke, Hull and QPR. And whilst they may have so the league I don’t think their team will be remembered with any fondness by football fans and that’s kind of a travesty when you look at some of the talent they have. But hey ho, we have the FA Cup to win and then onwards and upwards.

    The only real nightmare of winning the FA Cup is that we will face Chavs in the Charity Shield, can’t see Club Wembley being full for that one.

  69. mickydidit89 says:


    I hope the players don’t get too cocky about winning the cup. I have a nasty feeling as one day cup luck will run out, and we’ve had our fair share of the stuff over the last two seasons (you need a bit to win anything I know)

    Now Raddy
    When I said Paris was beautiful, you utter lunatic, I referred only to the physical place.
    You cannot name 20 more beautiful. Not even five
    (oh god, you’re going to include hell holes like Sydney aren’t you?)

  70. mickydidit89 says:

    If all five are in Italy, you have a case, but a poor one 🙂

  71. The Cockie Monster says:

    Best city ?…………………easy …………….Truro !. North and South coast within minutes !…..beaches, wooded creeks, mild climate, food, entertainment, shops and everything is award winning !……shame Arsenal didn`t relocate there !. 😀

  72. mickydidit89 says:

    Damn good shout Cockie
    You wait to the shit list the Hippy comes up with
    Goa, and……

  73. Gööner In Exile says:

    Sorry best City is St David’s in Pembrokeshire.

    Or of course Norwich, but everyone knows that.

  74. Gööner In Exile says:

    Micky not playing Chavs in the Charity Shield would be a good reason to pass on this seasons FA Cup 🙂

  75. Big Raddy says:

    Just in Europe ….




  76. mickydidit89 says:

    You really really hate Paris don’t you Big 🙂

    Actually, make that really, really, really, really, really

    Were you bullied there at some point?

  77. mickydidit89 says:

    All good points, well apart from Norwich, St Davids and passing on the Cup 🙂

  78. Gööner In Exile says:

    5:46? Good surf forecast?

  79. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    Micky, I don’t hate anything – not even Tottenham, but I do actively dislike 🙂

    Post to write……

  80. chas says:

  81. chas says:

  82. Big Raddy says:

    Enjoyed the vid of the cat dissing the dog video. Can we balance it up with a dog dissing cat vid?

  83. chas says:

  84. chas says:

  85. chas says:

  86. Morning all

    Rasp is working today and without any internet so he won’t be around to chat much today.

    I spoke to kelsey on Saturday and he sends everyone his love.

    I hate playing on Monday nights, it’s like we’re not a part of the same competition as everyone else 😦 Looking forward to the game and I think we’ll be treated to an Ant and Duck show too 🙂

  87. Arthur says:

    Why users still use to read news papers when in this technological globe
    all is presented on net?

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