The Best Ever Football Stadium Migration – You’re ‘Avin a Giraffe, Love


When the porn brothers announced their intention to move from one of London’s most feared stadiums to an athletics and concert venue, I like most regular fans felt a certain degree of unease.  Surely we didn’t need a 52,000 seat stadium especially one with a bloody great running track between the players and the old east side chicken run.

But then the spin began – 85% of supporters canvassed were in favour of the move, a new cantilever system would place seats where the running track would be, football would be once again affordable for the ordinary man (or woman) in the street, the transport links would be second to none, it will catapult us into the upper echelons of the premiership and challenging the traditional top four incumbents.  Oh and by the way, we’re gonna pay sweet fanny adams for the privilege – how could you possibly say no.

The final season at the Boleyn was so very West Ham.  For quite some time it looked like we could break into the top four and begin life at the Olympic Stadium with Real Madrid, Bayern, Barcelona and Juventus as regular visitors.  But of course, just like our dreams we faded and very nearly died only to deal Man United a third crushing blow (having denied them 2 Premier League Championships) and consign them to a season of Thursday night football.  Still 7th place was good enough to secure a place in the Europa League 3rd qualifying round and having re-configured the Man United team bus we said an emotional farewell to the old girl.


The summer approached and we got to see images of our new ‘home’ – oh and by the way, it’s now called the London Stadium. Yep that’s right and oh, did we forget to tell you, we’re going to have a bit of a re-brand and our new badge, which all three of you who we consulted just love, also encompasses the word London, coz that’s where we’re from see!

In the meantime, the club announced we’d miraculously found an extra 5,000 seats and sold the lot.  But not to worry if you’ve not got a ticket, coz we’ve also found another 9,000 on top of that so now we’ve got London’s largest stadium and with a season ticket waiting list in excess of 50,000 we’ll have no trouble selling out every game.  Sounds too good to be true?  You bet.

You see, in The Duchesses excitement to do the deal of the century, she forgot some of the basics.

Now you’d think they would have tried to move/migrate like-minded fans to the same part of the ground.  You know, the 9,000 or so supporters who stood behind both goals together with those who stood in certain corners of the ground.  You know, the ones who got the singing going, gave the opposition players and fans untold grief – made Upton Park a cauldron of noise, overcame the sterilisation of all seated stadium and all that.  But know, they mixed the whole bloody lot up.

Secondly, you’d think that the club would want control of the security and stewarding so the customer experience was under their auspices.  But no, The Duchess got the deal of the century you see.  So she insisted the stadium owners handled that.  Which they sort of did by outsourcing these areas to the stadium operators who guess what – outsourced it to a French organisation who run the Stade de France.

Now you’d think they would look to re-hire all the stewards from the old ground.  The ones who know how to control football and in particular West Ham supporters.  But no – some went with but the majority have now resigned in protest at the atrocious methods being used.  You see those wanting to stand and those wanting to sit aren’t able to co-exist.  So what happens is the stewards wander around with clip boards, writing down seat numbers and those standing ticket holders receive warning letters and are told their tickets will be rescinded.   The more vociferous of these ‘stewards’ go after small pockets of standers and actually remove them from the ground and take their season tickets away.  As you can imagine, it doesn’t make for a very happy home.


And then we have the home/away supporter segregation.  As has been reported, for the first few games, apart from a few seats, there was none.  The stewards had no experience of football fans, being mainly involved in keeping Elton John fans under control on a balmy summer evenings. At The London stadium it’s not just Saturday nights that are all right for fighting!  But surely the police sort these problems out I hear you say?  Nope, in her haste to seal the deal of the millennium, The Duchess decided to overlook the fact that the police stated they were unable to operate inside the stadium as it was currently configured.

And that’s just inside the stadium.  Outside and around the concourse there is absolutely no segregation and no plan for what to do at full time.  It is, as the saying goes, just one great big cock up.

But I’m afraid that’s not all.  To try and beef up the Elton John brigade, the outsourced, outsourced security have added a few night club bouncers – you can guess the rest!

On the other side of the away fans (think lower chicken run and upper east side at The Boleyn) we have the real hard core fans – that’s right 750 tickets sold via Thomas Cook to overseas ‘fans’ and anyone willing to also buy a night at a London Hotel.  Just doesn’t bear thinking about when certain teams come to visit.

But what about the views and the cantilever seating I hear you say.  A bloody joke I reply.  Billic spends half the match screaming 30 yards behind him at his coaching staff.  The pitch is ridiculously far from the pitch on all sides.  In short, this is not a football ground and never will be.  My heart truly aches for Upton Park and I feel the very soul of my club is being eroded.

And then, a couple of days ago, The Duchess appeared at ‘Leaders’ a football conference aimed at the good and the great of the game.  Much was made of her comments surrounded the lack of culture at the club when she arrived, however I’m prepared to overlook that as she was really referring to the ‘business culture’.  What didn’t get so widely reported, but was far more upsetting were her comments regarding the opportunity to ‘re-brand the club’ which is where the London nonsense comes from.  You see, The Duchess doesn’t want the traditional support turning up at ‘The London Stadium’.  She’s got a whole new plan in place, for pop corn munching, Coca Cola swilling ABC1’s to fill up all 66,000 seats and shout “Horrah, well done old chaps, jolly good play”.

So, Arsenal fans will have to wait until 3rd December to make their own minds up, unfortunately I won’t be there as I have decided to stay away until The Duchess decides to hang up her robe and get out of my club.  I still love West Ham United, but you can stick West Ham United London up yer a…….

written by West Ham Bob

102 Responses to The Best Ever Football Stadium Migration – You’re ‘Avin a Giraffe, Love

  1. Big Raddy says:

    Great stuff Bob.

    So Big Business sold your club down the river. Who would have thought …..?

    BTW The Duchess, to those who do not know is Karren Brady, now Baroness of Knightsbridge.

  2. xfriv2 says:

    Thank you for your work!

  3. Uwot? says:

    Feel for ya.mirrors some of the probs “the ems”faced & still does.owners simply want to fill up stadium with Johnny come latelys,tourists &’s taken a decade for the atmosphere to improve somewhat & still will never acheive what a bear pit Highbury could be (some might dispute that with “the library”tag!)feel the club missed a trick by not calling stadiumTHE ARMOURY would be perfect and a real identity.west ham suffering the same fate at present.on the bright side let’s hope the spuds run into a shed load of probs with their attempts!lol!

  4. TotalArsenal says:

    A post deep from the heart, Bob. Very well written and informative – I feel for you. I cannot believe they made the same mistake as at Arsenal and many other clubs that moved to a new stadium: not keeping the singing and loudest supporters together is very, very dumb.

    Hope you will get your West Ham back as soon as possible.

  5. Didit says:

    Thanks Bob

    Interesting, informative and ultimately sad

    I may not like much of it, but I can understand the reaso
    ning behind big money wanting to create a big brand, but to so fundamentally miss the target in understanding what really makes a football club, just appears a bit dim, to be frank

    Must say, I really wish Totnum had won the bidding and buggered off down there 🙂

  6. Didit says:


    Although I agree I’d like Totnum to run into trouble with their ground, isn’t all going horribly smoothly?

    Then, Liverpool. Am I right in thinking huge amounts of Chinese investment is heading their way?

    Lastly, can we draw any inspiration from what happened to Wimbledon when they dumped their history for Milton Keynes. The true fans won that battle.

  7. Didit says:

    Yip, and he he he

    Just looked it up, and AFC Wimbledon are two places above MK Dons 🙂

  8. Rasp says:

    Thanks Bob – I feel for you, I really do. And what’s going to happen when the tots and chavs come to the stadium with no segregation – carnage!

    Your experience was mirrored in a minor way at the Emirates but to nowhere near the same extent. Unfortunately our mistakes may be a lesson to other clubs (tots and pool) and they may have the brains to avert such negativity.

    It’s business first and football second now with all the big clubs, the only difference is whether there is a benevolent billionaire prepared to throw money away, or an owner looking for a good investment.

  9. chas says:

    Flippin superb read, Bob.

    Karren Brady makes we retch.

    When this video was put up, there were West Ham fans in cyber tears.
    Apparently it was part of filming for an action movie before the Boleyn is demolished.

  10. Sad stuff Bob but thanks for the post.

    What do you expect from a couple of Porn Merchants. For research purposes I have been forced to watch some of there old productions and found them very tacky. They were so poor, that to show I can rise above such trash I am compelled to re watch.

    Never liked that Karen Brady. But I would still make love to her.

    Truth is Bob, we are not important. Back in 1978 after Graham Rix missed a sitter at Anfield, I embraced the desolate despair that nothingness brings and have never looked back. if I was you Bob, I would observe closely how Andy Carrol controls a ball.

    The Ghosts of the Thirties are Stirring

  11. GunnerN5 says:

    Arsenal have the most profitable stadium in Europe according to a report by Deloitte

    1. Emirates Stadium (Arsenal) €132m
    2. Santiago Bernabeu (Real Madrid) €129.8m
    3. Camp Nou (FC Barcelona) €116.9m
    4. Old Trafford (Manchester United) €114m
    5. Stamford Bridge (Chelsea) €93.1m
    6. Allianz Arena (Bayern Munich) €89.8m
    7. Parc des Princes (Paris Saint-Germain) €78m
    8. Anfield (Liverpool) €75m
    9. Etihad Stadium (Manchester City) €57m
    10. Signal Iduna Park (Borussia Dortmund) €54.2m

  12. Eddie says:

    GN5 – what exactly does it mean – the most profitable stadium? Match days + concerts and other venue events – maintenance

    Why would the Ems be most profitable?

  13. Eddie says:

    the great Michael Clark

  14. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    Early start.

  15. Didit says:

    The only solution

    Morning all

  16. Big Raddy says:

    Been some time since the last slider, must be a slider interlull

  17. chas says:

    I think we’ve all seen every chuffin cat slider that exists!

  18. Didit says:

    Definitely still works though 🙂

  19. Didit says:

    Both the quality and the content of the site this morning are back to their very best
    Thanks Chas

  20. Didit says:


    Even things up with a boiler

  21. chas says:

    Don’t say it’s not Arsenal-related.

  22. Eddie says:

    Unilever v Tescos – great match, come on Tescos!!!

  23. chas says:

    I don’t understand why anyone buys all that branded crap anymore.
    No point paying twice as much for something that tastes the same as the own brand.

    I hope Unilever is shafted big-style.
    Unfortunately it won’t happen.

  24. Eddie says:

    unbelievable – I completely agree with chas 🙂
    brand names is a rip off, hope Unilever will lose, doubt it will happen.
    If other supermarkets joined the protest it could be massive!

    is that really Ollie playing with the ball?

  25. chas says:

    yes, he does look quite feminine without his manly beard. 🙂

  26. Eddie says:

    you mean like a battyman

  27. chas says:

    Oh dear, just had horrible flashbacks to ‘battymangate’ on here.

  28. Eddie says:

    what was the battymangate on here? I can’t remember

  29. Didit says:

    Costello vid

    Even at a festival gig, American fans just look soooo uncool

  30. Didit says:

    Really bad idea to use Marmite as an example of increased costs due to post brexit currency fluctuations

    It’s produced here in Burton on Trent using left over beer shit also produced here

    So given they export the stuff, theyre actually richer

    Bloody love the stuff me

  31. Didit says:

    Elvis Costello has the most unrecognisable face
    Remove the specs, and I doubt his biggest fan would spot him walking down the street

  32. Didit says:

    No way that’s Elvis Costello 🙂

  33. Didit says:

    No way that Elvis gives a shit what anyone thinks 🙂

  34. Didit says:

    Copying this of AFC Website

    “Giroud will not be available for Saturday and Aaron Ramsey will not be available, but Francis Coquelin is back available and apparently we have good news. I have not seen everybody coming back from international games but we have quite good news.

    on Ozil’s fitness…
    He told us he’s completely fit. We’ll see that today, if we have no bad news today. I see him later. I expect him to be available, especially because he’s only played one half, so he doesn’t need to be rested on Saturday”

    Does this mean anyone who played two full games will be rested, and if so, which of our players did that?


  35. LB says:

    Finally got to read the post and what a heart felt comment it is. So many of the mistakes are familiar. There should have been a way of fans swapping season ticket seat positions amongst themselves. On the up side many of the people who brought tickets at the beginning of the Emirates for the sake of having them, the kind that moaned because we hadn’t won the league after they had shelled out for a ticket have now largely gone. That bloke Geoff from le grove springs to mind. With most of that batch of moaners gone the Emirates is becoming a better place.
    So message to Bob, it is going to take about 5 years before your club resembles what it used to be at Upton Park.

  36. Big Raddy says:

    Should make the selection interesting for saturday. Theo will play because I cannot recall him having a single run or kick in the two games he started for England.

  37. chas says:

  38. Didit says:

    Male. 50’ish. Sings in high voice, and dances in sync with other like minded gentlemen

    Absolutely no excuse

  39. chas says:

    Think they’d look better if they were all in replica football jerseys.

  40. Didit says:

    Got it
    You’re trying to get AA to appeal to a wider audience?

  41. chas says:

    Is there any viola footage yet?

  42. Didit says:

    I think there probably is, but am I likely to share it?

  43. Eddie says:

    ha ha ha Didit 🙂 dances in sync with other like minded gentlemen 🙂 🙂

    only because of such videos, Brexit and your humour that we survived the internations this month

    Now then, who rattled Nicola Sturgeon’s cage? what is she so peed off about?

  44. chas says:

    Does the pope wear swimming trunks in the bath to stop himself looking down on the unemployed?

  45. Didit says:

    Well, in fairness, having been playing for at least 9 months, I am thinking of releasing an educational chary style video on youtube

  46. chas says:

    My favourite comment from yesterday…..
    No way that Elvis gives a shit what anyone thinks

  47. Didit says:


    Re Sturgeon. As a woman, I think it must be hard being mistaken for Gordon Strachan every day of your life

  48. Eddie says:

    micky – probably not. My ex used to say that he often felt he was married to Tony Adams. Especially when I slept in my fav Arsenal shirt. I thought it was a compliment

  49. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    I can just see Didit in that Elvis costume entertaining folk with his viola on Youtube. He would attract at least 10 hits

  50. Didit says:

    Did that make you suspect that at heart your hubby was a bit of a woofta. You know, fancying man on man stuff.

  51. Didit says:

    Nothing wrong with it

  52. Didit says:

    Really Erik. Can you see that? 🙂

  53. Didit says:

    ha ha ha

  54. chas says:

    Loving the Elvis DidIt viola idea.
    I’d give it ten hits in the first hour.

  55. Big Raddy says:

    Come on Didit, you know you want to …

  56. Eddie says:

    bit of a woofta? understatement of the year

  57. Didit says:

    I’ve got a gorilla suit. Might that work?

  58. Big Raddy says:

    😀 🙂

    Just lying around in the garage?

  59. Didit says:

    Definitely time for a new post, this is going horribly wrong 🙂

    As the cosy four of us are all here, what sort of post should we have today?

  60. Big Raddy says:

    Could it be something football related? Maybe even Arsenal related? Perhaps upon the lines of the Ethics of a 5 man midfield? Or the Holy Trinity of a Front 3?

  61. Didit says:

    Any ideas? I’m happy to ink it out

  62. Didit says:

    I’d get the nib out forthwith if I had any idea what you’re talking about 🙂

  63. Big Raddy says:

    I have no idea either and have no clue what to write about.

    You are the one with the healthy imagination!

  64. Didit says:

    How about…Arsenal blows up and doesn’t exist any more. What do you do, who do you support. Little padding obviously.

    Get yer ideas in now, I scribble at 9

  65. Didit says:

    Captions of the day
    Chas supplies four Arsenal related stills with speech bubbles, we get creative, vulgar and smutty and fill in the blanks

  66. chas says:

    How about
    Is Giroud really injured?

  67. Big Raddy says:

    Trouble is that we have exhausted almost every subject.

    Have we done the “Is Montreal good enough” enough times? Who has the worst haircut at AFC?

  68. chas says:

    I like the captions idea.
    Will have a look at doing that next week.

  69. Big Raddy says:

    Your call ….. I am going to brew some coffee and expect a New Post upon my return.

  70. chas says:

    Montreal is not as good as Toronto.

  71. Big Raddy says:

    Rats/sinking ship!

  72. Big Raddy says:

    Bastard spellcheck

  73. TotalArsenal says:

    Montreal is not as good as Berlerin

  74. Didit says:

    9am. I get writing, and no, Ollie is not injured 🙂

  75. TotalArsenal says:

    Just do an early match preview, Raddy… Will give you Sat morning off 😀

  76. chas says:

    Ey up, TA.

  77. TotalArsenal says:

    You could write about post hard Brexit Arsenal: Wenger gone, Ozil gone, Mustafi gone, Coq, Koz, Giroud, Bellerin, Nacho, Cech, Cazorla all gone… But the pound is low yihhah! 😂😂🙃

  78. chas says:

    Marmite’s gone.
    Oh no, it’s back again.

  79. TotalArsenal says:

    Alternatively, let’s do a bit of Gorgeous Ollie bashing, with not one, not two but three super fit legs hahaha

  80. TotalArsenal says:

    Looking fwd to the Sunderland away match, Chasser? I guess you will go to a few before then?!

  81. chas says:

    only three. 🙂

  82. TotalArsenal says:


  83. Didit says:


  84. chas says:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: