Are you fed up with life as an Arsenal fan?
Has the Wenger in/out debate left you feeling frustrated with your fellow supporters?
Are you spending your days thinking of ways to kill Piers Morgan without getting caught?
If the answer is yes, then don’t fret. All you have to do is follow these 10 simple steps and you will soon be a happy Gooner once again.
STEP 1: Stop reading negative online articles about Arsenal, taking great care to avoid anything with the words ‘protest’, ‘lack’ or ‘out’ in the title.
STEP 2: Delete Twitter. As an alternative why not use Instagram instead and upload all those nutscaping photos you took when you last visited the Emirates.
STEP 3: Lower your expectations. If you go in with the mindset of ‘we are going to lose 10-0’ then suddenly a 2-1 home defeat against Watford becomes a good result.
STEP 4: Start your own silverware collection and buy more every time Arsenal get knocked out of a competition. Maybe keep it in a nice cabinet so visitors can see, or under the bed in a nice box*.
STEP 5: Learn to use the mute button on your remote. Anyone with BT Sport will have already mastered this but for the rest of you, take time out of your day to get this right.
STEP 6: Avoid watching Arsenal games live. I find recording the game and only watching if I know it’s a good result is a great way to follow my team. It also means i can fast forward through the Graeme Souness bits.
STEP 7: Agree with every blogger and avoid terms like ‘I think’, ‘in my opinion’ and ‘Kelsey, you are wrong’. You will save yourself a lot of time and grief, and who knows, you may even make some friends.
STEP 8: If you insist on attending the matches, why not try sitting in the away end? The fans there tend to be much more pleasant towards the Arsenal and the atmosphere more singy and drinky.
STEP 9: Be more supporter and less board member. Nobody wants to hear about how the wage bill is structured, or what the owners business portfolio contains, or wether or not we have £130m in the bank. Why not try discussing more pleasant things like the new flavour of pie at the next home game, or the £3m French youngster we’ve just signed, or sliding cats?
STEP 10: Why not persuade your mum to use her spare time and her spare bed sheets to make you a banner? Something like ‘YOU ONLY SING WHEN YOUR WINNING’ would be perfect to whip out when we salvage a last minute point after inevitably going a goal behind.
STEP 11: Respect the Arsenal family. If you have an issue with the manager or board then that’s ok, but don’t let it become more than your love for Arsenal Football Club. There are enough people out there waiting to drag our club through the dirt without us doing it ourselves. Stay positive and be a happy Gooner.
* speak to Eddie for all your box needs.
Written by fgg