ARSENAL. PERFECT WORLD.

It is January, and boy have I noticed. Still dark. Still raining. The high of Christmas behind us. The credit card bills arriving. But hang on!

Where there is despondency and gloom, there is also opportunity and light. Here on AA we often use Friday for a Rant, and to get off our chests the bad. Sod that. Let’s imagine a Perfect Arsenal World.

Here’s my plan for the day. Let’s not imagine the £50M striker arriving in January, but rather how all those annoying things magically evaporate, and how the run in to the end of this season will be sprinkled with magic dust.

Let me set the ball rolling by laying down a couple of givens. We will, of course, be winning The Double in May. Ok, so we have that little trophy obstacle out of the way, however, what is it that will make that journey so much more Arsenal Perfectious?

Holloway Road Station has mysteriously become a four track high speed quadruple elevator queueless transport hub, thus allowing all fans the chance to happily stay put until the final peep.

The much needed Oyster and Stout Kiosk has finally arrived in Armoury Square. Pint and Six for a fiver.

Danny Welbeck arrives back and sets new records averaging a phenomenal two goals a game.

Per develops terrible body odour, a filthy attitude, gurns, shouts and fist clenches the side into battle hardened warriors.

Jack returns against Spurs to claim Legendary Status by scoring a hat-trick and celebrating the third by rushing over to the home fans, giving them a Harvey Smith before mooning in full glare of the world’s press.

Chelsea get relegated, while Totnum miss out on a CL place in the 90th minute of the final game when Leicester score the vital extra goal in their game to secure 4th spot over Spuds on goal difference.

I’m out of time and must go. Can you help complete my dream list?

Written by MickyDidIt89

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131 Responses to ARSENAL. PERFECT WORLD.

  1. chas says:

    Cheers, Micky.

    You’ve covered most bases for me.
    Looking forward to seeing, Jack, Danny, Santi, Mozart, le Coq and Alexis back playing.
    The spuds and chavs collapsing or narrowly missing out will always raise a smile from me.

    I’ve a feeling that even if some had a transporter beam that immediately deposited them back home on their settee, they’d still leave early just to avoid the possibility of a last minute equaliser for the opposition.

    I’m not sure I’ve ever had an oyster – am I missing out?

    Beating Barca in the Camp Nou would seem to be a dream come true.

  2. Rasp says:

    Brilliant Micky 😀 and I note all your suggestions are achievable – although the revisions to Holloway Road Station are the least likely.

    I could produce a along list, but I must allow space for others 🙂

    How about the club install microphones by all the seats and anyone who cheers loudly and positively gets a free beer (or a tasty nibble or two) after the game and those who are negative and part of the ‘library’ have to pay 25% more for the next game or pay for someone else more positive to occupy their seat?

  3. Big Raddy says:

    Ozil wins The Ballon D’Or

    OG wins the Golden Boot

    Cech wins the Golden Glove

    Bellerin wins Young Player of the Year

    We win at Camp Nou

  4. Rasp says:

    Arsene graciously accepts the team of the year award at next year’s SPOTY

  5. RA says:

    Good job, Mickish, 🙂

    How about: Arsene becomes the most popular manager in Arsenal history, by taking my advice by;

    – buying 4 expensive players in the January window, then;

    – buying four more expensive players in the summer window, and selling 3 of the four he bought in January, then;

    – buying 4 more expensive players in the January window, and selling three of the 4 that he bought in the summer, and so on, ad infinitum.

    The beauty of this is that with appreciation, the three he sells each window will pay for the one he keeps every window, and the fans will love him – at no cost.

    Incidentally, leave Per alone – there is nothing wrong with terrible body odour, a filthy attitude, gurning, shouting and fist clenching.

    GoonerB and his camel do it all the time – and we still like them – well, a bit – or maybe just a smidgeon – well,OK, not at all – but they have the right to be all those things – just not near me – maybe they can pal up with Per and be the three smelly amigos. 😀

  6. PV4 says:

    Would swap everything for shit stains being relegated and citizen Kane being exposed for the pub player he really is. Aah…happy days.

  7. RA says:

    Hi Rasper, 🙂

    I know you have something special in mind for me – but I am pretending not to notice the BPOTY award that you must be organising for me.

    Just keep any smelly bellies downwind when you present the cup to me. 😀

  8. Rasp says:

    Hi Redders, is that your way of saying you don’t know what SPOTY stands for? 🙂

  9. RA says:

    Micky,

    As a reward for your efforts to write a Post, I can perhaps give you some hope regarding the dark nights/mornings.

    A little math shows that at this time of year, calculating the angle of the sun, the speed of rotation, blah, blah, it is possible to state that that the daylight hours extend by just over 3 minutes a day.

    So tonight, make a note of the time when dusk fades into night (roughly will do) and then next Friday evening, take a note of the time you made your assessment tonight – still with me? and you should see that it takes another 25 minutes before night sets in.

    The daylight hours of January days are already growing longer. Now how much does that cheer you up? 🙂

  10. RA says:

    No, Rasper, I just wanted to lead you on to something far more interesting — ta ra – my award for

    Blog Personality of the Year 2016, 2017, 2018 etc

    Bring it on, Baby!! 😀

  11. Rasp says:

    Actually Redders that’s not a bad idea, remind me next December and maybe we will have our own red carpet ceremony – T in C a la Mr DidIt 🙂

  12. RA says:

    Rasper. Is that your code for Tin Can Didit – tied to his tail? 🙂

  13. GoonerB says:

    Brilliant Micky. Where to start???

    Probably I will start with saying that, although I don’t mind them, I am not a massive oyster fan. Had some a short while back with Tabasco sauce. Not bad but I would be more a moules mariniere, langoustine or lobster kind of guy.

    Having said that Micky, as we are looking at a perfect Arsenal, I see no problem in both being available with us sitting across a table, (provided in the concourse at half time), with me happily munching my shellfish tipple and you on your aphrodisiacs, casting.ever increasing amorous glances in my direction while GoonerB gets nervous looking for his nearest exits.

    I think seat service could also be arranged at half time with the guys being served by robust girls in Arsenal tops designed for 5 year olds and Peaches and Eddie being served by an oiled up by bare chested Adonis’, otherwise known as Big Raddy and Red Arse to you and me Micky.

    Half time entertainment would be in the form of a drunken Karaoke from the vines brothers singing “he aint heavy he’s my brother”, with little emotional moments of “I love you bro” caught on the mike because they have both had one too many carlsberg exports and have lost all control of that famous Vines steely English stoicism.

    Oh and Arsenal to win the quadruple playing football that makes Guardiola’s Barca look like the Canning Town Pen and Flick-knife Sunday pub team.

    Apart from that I am not really fussed.

  14. GoonerB says:

    p.s, can’t wait to see what Terry comes up with.

  15. chas mobile says:

    GoonerB
    Just to get my own back. 🙂

    I’ve had this great idea to cut the refreshments queues at halftime. GoonerB’s tactical analysis of the first half.
    The trick is to only show it on the concourse, not on the big screens.
    Surefire success.
    Cute, eh? 😉

  16. GoonerB says:

    Great idea chas. So what you mean is that there will be a stampede from outside the ground from the general public to get into the concourse and listen to GoonerB’s half time tactical analysis, thus leaving no space in the concourse and hemming in those in the stands for the entire half time?

    I have to say Chas you do have a touch of genius about you.

  17. Rasp says:

    Hi GB, thanks for the post, do you mind if we use it tomorrow or a day next week if you prefer?

  18. LB says:

    “Pint and Six for a fiver.”

    This is an inspired suggestion. Perhaps a glass of cold, dry white and six for a tenner?

    Tabasco, tabasco, no, bad idea, it is too strong for the subtle flavour of oysters. A little bit of shallot vinegar, tops.

    Oh yes, where was I? I know, Arsenal to win the Champions League.

    And on that subject are you noticing how seriously Arsene is taking the up and coming Barcelona game, look how many returning players we have. Coincidence? Not too sure about that. He wants the A team up and running, ready for that.

  19. Wonderful fun Micky, thank you.

    It’s the Premiership for me, I love singing ‘We are the Champions’ and in addition neither Totts nor Manks to be in the top four and Chavs to just scrape staying up.

    The Ox has to be the player to fulfill expectations.

    Giroud to win the Golden boot is a good shout and means lots more singing.

    Also I’d love to release the hand-brake on the collective that is the Emirates Stadium and have the whole ground singing ‘walking in an Ozil wonderland’ at home games ………. I’m certain Denis won’t mind 😉 See it’s all about the singing for me.

  20. chas says:

    Hey, Tomas completed 45 mins for the u21s. 🙂

  21. Eddie says:

    I have to grade my wishes:

    silly answer – as above, Messi playing for Arsenal
    plausible answer – we win the CL
    NOW answer – we kick the living daylights out of them chavs on Sunday

    I am not greedy, little things make me happy 🙂

  22. Eddie says:

    chas – why was Rosicky playing? he is under-41, just

  23. GoonerB says:

    No probs Rasp. I haven’t read it back yet though and I have a suspicion it may be a bit waffly, which is not like me 🙂

    Feel free to adjust bits if you want to use it tomorrow. I may get time later to look at it again and see if improvements are required.

  24. chas says:

    They are allowed to field three overage players with no upper age limit.

  25. chas says:

    I’m really looking forward to it, GoonerB.
    Your comments in the last week have brought the blog alive as they provide so much gristle to chew on.
    And, amazingly for me, I’m being serious.

  26. Gilly says:

    Good list.

  27. GoonerB says:

    I am glad you said chew and not choke Chas 🙂

  28. RA says:

    GoonerB Damned, 🙂

    I think Chas is being rude to you at 1:48;

    Gristle = cartilage – tough inedible tissue in meat.

    Mmmm – nice!

    [I think I agree with him!!] 😀

  29. chas says:

    Not like your comments, RA – the most tender fillet steak imaginable.
    So tender that you barely have to do anymore than suck. 🙂

  30. GoonerB says:

    R.A I think I prefer to consider myself as an oyster to slither on, but that might upset Micky.

  31. RA says:

    Ugh – too much info there about your likes, Chas, yuk! 🙂

  32. RA says:

    Well, now that I am getting to know Chas’ dietary predilections better, GB, ( double yuk) I might tell him that a nice fresh oyster would slide down like snot, and is even tastier with a little lemon juice or some such – but I could not possibly do that – ask your camel to tell him – you know by the old ventriloquist method. 🙂

    Anyway, GB, I thought you were curtailing your AA appearances – and I should go with you in solidarity – OK, as you know, I find reading your comments the best way to drop off to sleep and I thought what’s the point if you are not on here! 😀

  33. chas says:

  34. GoonerB says:

    Actually R.A, I may have mis-represented what I was trying to say in that I may be on less often. Sometimes I go through periods when I can come on more and will. I do find it frustrating when I miss out on banter and / or discussion topics because I am not around when the conversation is hot. Sometimes I look at it and think “no point commenting now as everyone has moved on”. Been a bit more lucky time wise in the last 2 weeks.

  35. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Some exceedingly fine suggestions there

    Well, well, well, here we are then. Another weekend is upon us.

    Arsenal Chelsea. What time KO? Arsenal website down

  36. MickyDidIt89 says:

    It’s bloody good news to have you around GB, what with being so tacticsbollockswise ‘an all 🙂

  37. Eddie says:

    OFFER

    I am moving home soon and need to get rid off some stuff. There is a fairly large box of Arsenal programmes, books and members’ packs. All free to a good home. Buyer collects.

  38. Big Raddy says:

    Eddie I have no use for all the Arsenal stuff but a large box would be very handy.

  39. Eddie says:

    🙂

    OFFER No 2

    I am moving home soon and need to get rid off some stuff. There is a fairly large box of Arsenal programmes, books and members’ packs. All free to a good home. Buyer brings own box.

  40. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Erik
    You are so unhelpful 🙂

    Eddie
    If it’s free, what is the buyer buying exactly? 🙂

  41. MickyDidIt89 says:

    OFFER No 3 🙂

  42. Big Raddy says:

    No-one will buy that stuff for nothing if there is no box

  43. RA says:

    Rasp, Raddy, Peaches and Uncle Tom Cobley,

    I came across this warning in my meanderings and thought you might like to read it. Of course, if WordPress has already contacted you – ignore.

    — “WordPress continually update their software to patch vulnerabilities to their software. The majority of security issues can be rectified by upgrading to the latest version (currently 4.4.1) https://wordpress.org/download/

    Additionally to updating the software its recommended users disable XML-RPC Pingback by installing the following plugin from the WordPress website. https://wordpress.org/support/view/plugin- reviews/disable-xml-rpc-pingback”

  44. Eddie says:

    OFFER No 3

    I am moving home soon and need to get rid off some stuff. There is a fairly large box of Arsenal programmes, books and members’ packs. All for £1 to a fecking good home. Buyer brings own bloody box. No time wasters.

  45. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Eddie
    ha ha ha 🙂

  46. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Erik
    Could have sent you a box with no bloody contents and you’d have been equally happy
    Next bet?
    Box

  47. Eddie says:

    ha ha ha nothing! do you want to buy it?

  48. Eddie says:

    “A pilot scheme to test the DNA of dog poo to try and catch owners who fail to clear up after their pet has begun.

    Samples of dog mess will be collected by officers from the London Borough of Barking and Dagenham Council and park rangers during the next three months.

    DNA will then be compared to a database of registered owners”

    what the hell is that all about?? Dogs are not related to their owners, they won’t have the same DNA!!!

  49. MickyDidIt89 says:

    What, without a box?

  50. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Eddie
    Imagine the poo collectors’ uniform! Anyone seeing them on the tube to work will be giving them a wide berth

  51. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Must go

  52. LB says:

    Poor Burnley

    Do they realise what is about to happen to them? Probably not.

    Welbeck, Coquelin, Rosicky and Sanchez will almost certainly all be playing.

    The collective pent up tension between that lot is so high it’s off the scale.

  53. Big Raddy says:

    Box wanted. Will pay. If full of violet creams will pay more.

    LB. Don’t tempt fate…..

  54. Eddie says:

    nobody wants it 😦 they’d rather just the empty box 😦

  55. Shard says:

    Eddie

    I most definitely want it but have no way to collect it now that I’m back home. 😦

  56. fatgingergooner says:

    Mansour and Abramovich spend all their billions on drugs, hookers and gambling and sell up. Ken Bates buys both clubs for £1.50 in a ‘buy one, get one half price’ deal.

    Stringent drug testing is brought in and it turns out Diego Costa is in fact a roid-head which goes some way to explaining his anger issues. He is banned for 3 years.

    The Emirates turn the scoreboard into a giant karaoke screen and there is a microphone under each seat. They only play Arsenal songs though and if you don’t join in you are removed (including the away section!).

    Our medical team is replaced with Jesus.

    Video technology is introduced……maybe I’ve gone too far! 😄

  57. Eddie says:

    shard – do you think I am stupid? you just want the box – I send it to you to India, you throw away the programme and keep the box!! Bingo, I am surprised Raddy didn’t think of that one

  58. LB says:

    Eddie, perhaps if you offered a small fee as well as the box you might get a taker?

    Just saying.

    It’s a tough market right now.

  59. MickyDidIt89 says:

    FGG
    You win by a country mile. Terrific suggestions 🙂

    Eddie
    A conversation about a box will win my heart every time. Superb 🙂

    LB
    Shallot Vinegar. Ahhh sigh. Pure class.

    ps I did genuinely consider setting up such an oyster bar. Open home games. 10am-2.45pm. 🙂

  60. chas says:

    Eddie
    I’ll definitely take the box off your hands for £1, if no-one else will.
    There’s a lad at the marking who does the cleaning and he always wears Arsenal tops.
    I gave him the carrier bag we got at the Man City game plus a couple of old member packs and he absolutely loved them.
    A box of treasures like yours would go down very well indeed. 🙂

  61. chas says:

    Films

    1

  62. MickyDidIt89 says:

    “I’ll definitely take the box off your hands for £1”

    Oh here we go again 🙂

  63. chas says:

    Is there a GoonerB special for today?
    Better get my reinforced dentures in.

  64. chas says:

    Yeah, but I wanted the contents as well.

  65. chas says:

    Ok, I’ll even bring my own box.
    £1 for the contents.
    Can’t say fairer.

  66. MickyDidIt89 says:

    If you bring your own box, make sure its a big one, or Eddie’s box won’t fit in it

    Just thinking practically

    Inglorious bastards
    Cuckoo’s nest
    Some Dunnos

  67. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Go on Chas, drag it down. You know you want to

  68. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Portofess ha ha ha

    Go on, further 🙂

  69. MickyDidIt89 says:

    8:00 superb entry

  70. chas says:

    I think I’ve dragged it down far enough?

  71. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    7.57 is Kelsey 😀

  72. Eddie says:

    too late. I have changed my mind and will put it on eBay when I have time.

    4. God Father

  73. OMG love the smashing through the snow one.

    Morning, I’m still under the duvet but I’m gonna get up and look at GoonerB’s post ……. might be a while…….

  74. Eddie says:

    kelsey 🙂 🙂 ha ha ha, excellent

    Leicester are buying! bloody hell, they really think they will win the league this season

  75. Big Raddy says:

    Films. I love these quizzes!.

    1. Some chick-flick. Dirty Dancing?
    2. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”
    3. ?? Don’t think that is Nicholson
    4. Godfather
    5. Inglorious Bastards

  76. Eddie says:

    Dirty Dancing was Patrick Swayze

  77. Big Raddy says:

    Eddie. True but her clothes are very US 60’s. and he has the love-look in his eyes. Def a chick-flck

  78. chas says:

    Eddie
    Well, that’s gratitude for you.
    Cheers.

  79. Eddie says:

    yes Raddy, but he aint Swayze

    Chas – I had a very similar display at home – shelves of books, with a couple full of Arsenal stuff. I had ‘High Society” too 🙂

    All the books are going to charity, no place for shelves in the new home, plus Kindle replaced paperbacks in my heart

  80. Eddie says:

    chas – I never pretended to be a grateful person 🙂 It is much healthier to feel guilty then resentful

    You can have Cesc’s signed photo I paid £150 for, how about that? Charity shop doesn’t want it

  81. MickyDidIt89 says:

    1. Chick flick 🙄
    It’s One flew of cuckoos nest

  82. Eddie says:

    micky is right! It is Brad Dourif dancing

  83. Shard says:

    3. Green Mile
    4. Godfather 2
    5. Inglorious Basterds

  84. chas says:

    Nah, it’s Billy Bibbit dancing.

  85. Shard says:

    Eddie

    Now that you are selling the box on ebay, I can no longer think you stupid 🙂

  86. chas says:

    Sell it on Ebay – see if I care.

  87. Shard says:

    Why the picture of the Hamburg players at 7.59?

  88. Big Raddy says:

    Anything with dancing is a chick-flick

  89. chas says:

    Number 3 spot is excellent, Shard.
    Hardest by a Green Mile.

  90. Big Raddy says:

    Shard. Nice work

  91. chas says:

    Shard
    Why not?
    Can you name them?

  92. chas says:

    Cat on Eddie’s now-empty box

  93. Big Raddy says:

    Watched Captain Phillips last night. Highly recommended.

    And The Danish Girl last week . Don’t bother unless you really, really like Redmayne.

  94. Eddie says:

    not One Flew !! Chick flick 🙂 gosh….

    shard – glad you’ve changed your mind. Next time you are in UK and looking for a ticket – you know what to do 🙂

  95. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Kevin and Hans?

  96. Shard says:

    The rat gave it away 😀

    Not a chance. Who are they?

  97. MickyDidIt89 says:

    SuperMac 🙂

  98. chas says:

    China cup and a piece of concrete. 🙂

  99. chas says:

    Kevin and Horst

  100. Shard says:

    Is that Che Guevara on the bike?

  101. chas says:

    Che Guevara with bandy legs

  102. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Bloody hell Shard
    The rat gave it away?!?!!?
    How the heck does that work? Bit like saying the third brick down on the left gave it away 🙂

  103. chas says:

    Films
    1. One Flew over Eddie’s empty box
    2. Apocalypse Now
    3. Green Mile
    4. Godfather 2
    5. Inglourious Basterds (not sure why Inglourious has two ‘u’s, but it does)

  104. Shard says:

    Micky

    Rats are called rats because they give away secrets. I thought you’d get that 🙂 And yes.. The bricks helped too because somehow it just looks like a prison.

    I realise this will just make you think there’s something wrong with me. Won’t argue with that 🙂

  105. chas says:

    It’s a pet mouse, not a chuffin rat.

    (beware bad language)

  106. chas says:

    Anyway, I can’t hang around here all day, dragging the site down.
    Laters,

  107. MickyDidIt89 says:

    You fit in well on here for a good reason, Shard 🙂

  108. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Boiled eggs, toast and marmite soldiers

  109. Don’t forget to come back for GB’s post …………. it’s awfully good 😉

  110. Big Raddy says:

    I was so excited when Supermac signed. Shame his knees are knacked.

  111. GoonerB says:

    It’s not….didn’t even have time yesterday to proof it….good for those of you that wish topop back to bed for a little snooze 🙂

    morning all

  112. GoonerB says:

    Only got 3 out of 5 in films today, although should have got 1 flew over, that was what it was wasn’t it?

    Working for a bit catch up later

  113. MickyDidIt89 says:

    I’m on the eggs, and waiting for something to read

    I’ll be bonfire lighting in 45 mins, so chop chop 🙂

  114. Gööner In Exile says:

    Knot ear, knot bin ear, will be ear tomorrow

    In the meantime 71 kits are here

  115. Gööner In Exile says:

    Not sure if Bob will reply

  116. Gööner In Exile says:

  117. Rasp says:

    Aaah, lovely pics GiE, you must be a very proud dad 🙂 … but how do you know Harry is going to be a goalie like his dad – he may want to be one of Micky’s £50m strikers 😆

  118. Rasp says:

    Sorry to draw you all away from admiring the Exile clan ……

    …. New post from GoonerB ……

  119. Gööner In Exile says:

    Couple of good posts this week, I’ve been reading but haven’t had time to comment.

    Jack just needs to not get hit by late tackles, why should he adjust his game to suit a backward thinking league when it comes to tackling.

    How many times has he injured himself and how many times has he been hit with a challenge that took him down? I think the latter would be higher, and from memory it all stems from a tackle from our then employee Djourou while playing for England at Wembley. Hopefully lots of strength work on his calves may help his ankles but unfortunately there is just not a muscle there to strengthen, they tend to just dangle as anyone who has sprained ankles repeatedly knows.

  120. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Ear ache then Exile

    Your boys have good taste 71 🙂

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