No, seriously, don’t laugh.

The spavined moldwarps from the desolate wastes of N17 are having a fairly decent season. At any rate, they have managed to convince much of the media that they are God’s gift to football.

So it’s not such a ridiculous notion to think that one (or even more) of them might have a chance of sneaking into our team.

With that in mind, let’s run the rule over the idle-headed bum-bailies who comprise the current Spudder first team and see what they’re made of (bearing in mind that this list takes no account of current injuries).

Hugo Lloris (GK)

Along with Garth Bale, Lloris is part of the Welsh contingent at White Feather Lane (he comes from Llandudno, or Llanfairthingamybob or somewhere). He looks a bit simple in the head and has bandy legs. Apparently 63% of the goals he has conceded throughout his career have been through his legs.

Hugo ‘pig in a passage’ Lloris or Wojciech Szczesny? Szczesny.

Kyle Walker (RB)

Walker is the son of Des “you’ll never beat Des Walker” Walker but has not really inherited his father’s abilities. He still sleeps with a teddy bear.

Kyle ‘Cuddles’ Walker or Bacary Sagna? Sagna.

Younes Kabul (CB)

The only Afghani playing in the Premiership, Younes is popular with team mates on account of his spoon-playing. Strong, good in the air and fierce in the tackle are all qualities he would like to have. But doesn’t.

Younes ‘Khyber’ Kabul or Per Mertesacker? Mertesacker.

Jan Vertigo (CB)

Fear of heights stops him from being any good in the air. He’s Belgian so statistically either likes beer, chocolate or young children. Let’s assume it’s the first two.

Jan ‘Truffles’ Vertigo or Thomas Vermaelen? Vermaelen.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto (LB)

Known as Benny to his team mates. He thinks it’s short for his first name but actually it relates to a slow-witted character from the one-time soap opera Crossroads. Benny has a good engine and can run up and down the line to good effect all day long. Just don’t give him the ball, because then it goes pear shaped.

Benoit ‘Benny’ Assou-Ekotto or Nacho Monreal? Monreal.

Sir Scottman Parker (MF)

Joined Totteringham from  Melchester Rovers, where he held the position of jockstrap minder for Roy of the Rovers.  Scottman’s hair was born in 1952 and he is known for the firmness of his handshake and the perfect creases in his shorts.

Scottman ‘Brylcream’ Parker or Mikel ‘Brylcream’ Arteta? Arteta.

Moussaka Dembele (MF)

Once played for a team called ‘Germinal Beerschot’ which tells you all you need to know. After being fired by Fulham he was picked up by Totts scouts while wandering aimlessly around North London, trying to find the way to Arsenal.

Moussaka ‘the Germ’ Dembele or Jack Wilshere? Wilshere.

Aaron Lennon (MF)

Aaroon is a nippy winger who has been touted as the player Theo Walcott might be if Theo was rubbish. When he grows up he hopes to be a pantomime dwarf.

Aaroon ‘lofty’ Lennon or Theo Walcott? Walcott.

Garth Bale (MF)

Garth has been a sensation for Tottleham this season, leading some commentators to describe them as a “one simian team.” His greatest asset is his ability to always stay on his feet whatever the circumstances (except when there’s a slight breeze; a passing butterfly; a petal falling from a flower etc etc).

Garth ‘Timberrrrr!’ Bale or Lucas Podolski? Podolski.

Emmanuel Adebayor (CF)

Well known to Arsenal fans, Emmanuel has his own line of merchandising including the ever-popular “cow’s-arse-with-a-banjo” game and his patented line of concrete football boots “No Boot Let’s the Ball Bounce Off Further!”

Emmanuel ‘and don’t come back’ Adebayor or Olivier Giroud? Giroud.

Daniel Dafoe (CF)

Since abandoning his writing career, Daniel has mostly been moaning about lack of opportunities in the Totts’ first team. Can be a real threat from corners, when he uses his height to get between the legs of tall defenders like Mertesacker.

Daniel “Daffy” Dafoe or Santi Cazorla? Cazorla.

So there you have it… it’s plain to see that despite the press bandwagon for this year’s Totteringham Hot Chokers, not a single sorry one of them is good enough to grace the mighty Arsenal.

Well, at least that’s my opinion.

What do you think?

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