A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine came to see me in a distraught state. He was deeply worried that his 12 year old son was showing signs of coming out… as a Tottenham fan. The boy had showed no interest in following his dads hobby of Arsenal or football but now after starting big school he is was doing what all us parents fear, mixing with the wrong sorts, i.e. Tottenham fans. How could this happen? I don’t blame the kid, hes obviously troubled and hence mixing with the wrong crowd. I do blame my friend a bit, he should have been more forceful. But no, the real culprit is this countries educational system.
This got me thinking as to what should change. I believe proper education should start at about five when the kids are infants. I then wondered what if I was a teacher and addressing a class of five year olds, how would I approach it? Well it would be something like this.
I was greeted at the classroom gates by Ms Applegate, an attractive twenty something who would be sitting in whilst I gave the kids a good thrashing…err, I mean lesson . She greeted me warmly but overcome with excitement my first words to her were “Man, you smell good baby” She gave me a startled and worried look, but still led me into the classroom.
Hi kids my name is Terry, and I’m here to give you a history lesson. I usually get a cheer when I enter a room, but never mind, I forgive you. Right, to understand British history you must first understand Arsenal football club” (Ms Applegate looked shocked)
It all started in the 1920’s when a man who was very similar to Father Christmas, but better than him, called Sir Henry Norris, made the modern Arsenal. He was a great man. Before him there was no such thing as North London, so he invented it. He made Arsenal into a great football club, never taking reward for himself. Infact, he gave all his money to children and was loved and cherished throughout the world and beyond
Some people will say that he done some bad things with money but don’t believe them, he was very kind and gave all the children brilliant presents.
Now listen here kids sometimes bad people tell lies about good people. Some people will say that Sir Henry did some bad things but don’t believe them. For instance your parents might read in the local papers soon about how a man with the same name as me, looks exactly like me, and lives in the same house, has been caught swindling money from a local charity. This is very important to understand. It’s not me, just some poor man who has the same name and face and lives in my house”. (Applegate had her face in her hands)
Then Uncle Herbert came to Arsenal. Now Uncle Herbert was the cleverest man ever and some say he walked on water. In the 1930’s Arsenal won the world cup led by Uncle Herbert’s genius. He was such a genius that busts were mad of him all over the world. It is a fact that Her Majesty the Queen and Nelson Mandela have such busts of him in there house. So, Uncle Herbie is remembered as the greatest man that ever lived. The only thing that stopped Uncle Herbert from winning more World cups was that he passed on and became an Angel,
After Uncle Herbie, his son George Allison became leader. He took Arsenal to the Promised Land and won many more World Cups. He would have won more if it wasn’t for a very bad man called Hitler, who didn’t like football because everytime he saw a ball it reminded him that he wanted two balls. Besides, he was a season ticket holder at Tottenham.
Now, after the 1930’s, Arsenal became a force for all that is good in the world, but there were still some bad men who didn’t believe in Arsenal and would do horrible things. They are mostly called Tottenham fans. You can recognise these people because they are very ugly, have a tail, and sing silly songs about a man who is really a woman called Glenda Hoddle. You must never trust them. If a man ever asks if you want to go home with him and play with his Hornby Train Set or says that he has some very cute Rabbits living in his shed, don’t believe him, he is probably one of them”.
Then a little boy put his hand up.
Boy – “But my daddy likes Tottenham. He says they are a brilliant team in Black & White”
Terry – “What’s your name boy?”
Boy – “Timmy Jackson”
Terry – “Well Jackson, I knew there was something dodgy about you. Go and stand in that corner facing the wall. No use crying boy, you will thank me in the long run, I’m saving you from a life of Rabbits”.
All the other kids were looking bewildered, but I quickly put their minds at ease
So you see children, that’s what happens if you’re naughty like Jackson. If you do not follow the path of the Mighty Arsenal, you will have to watch endless replays of Jimmy Greaves and your memories of Hornby Train Sets will not be good.
At this point a couple of other kids were close to tears themselves from Jackson’s sobbing and I could hear groans of when can we play, or I want my mummy. Then Applegate intervened.
“Look Mr Mancini, this whole thing is totally inappropriate and I must ask you to stop now”
I wasn’t having that. These kids needed my help.
Leave it out love, these kids need a proper education not the drivel you teach them. After the lesson I will give you a nice massage and you will probably fall in love with me. Now be a dear and go and make us a nice cup of tea.
She looked shocked (no idea why) and stormed out, so I continued the lesson.
So kids, now I want to tell you about Father Arsene. He came to Arsenal in the nineties and everyone soon realised that he was the kindest, most generous and greatest manager since Uncle Herbie. He won lots of nice prizes, and gave them out to all the good children in the world. But not to little runts like Jackson over there. Father Arsene invented the term good football. Before him everyone just kicked the ball as hard as they could and beat each other up chasing it.
Now children, I want you all to stand up and sing this song. Just repeat what I say and remember to sing it every morning when you wake up. If your good and sing this every day you will get many nice prizes from Father Arsene
Good old Arsenal, were proud to say that name. Whilst we sing this song we will the game, while we win this song we will the game
Now to finish off kids, we will sing a song about how Tottenham went to see the pope
Just at this point I saw Applegate approaching with two rather large men, and there was no massage oils or tea tray.
Alright kids, ive just got to climb out of this window. Remember to sing your Arsenal song every morning.
So that’s what I think should happen to convert all undecided to the Mighty Arsenal. Whats your solution?