Panic ye not.
Our mighty and classy club has not taken a leaf out of Totteringham’s book and released a DVD celebrating our third place finish.
It’s just that a movie title caught my eye the other day and I thought: “That would be the perfect title if you made a movie of our season.”
The title was, of course, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. (The good – Chelsea away, Spuds at home, Man City at home; the bad – Wigan and Norwich at home, all of January; the ugly – 8-2 at Man Utd, 4-3 at Blackburn and not forgetting Modric and Bale).
Then I got to thinking about other film titles that might work for aspects of our season – even if they need a bit of tweaking occasionally.
Here’s what I came up with. Please add your own suggestions below…
The Year of Living Dangerously: from botched transfer business to suicidal defending to catastrophic injuries to last day hiccups, this title says it all.
The Usual Suspects: when the going gets tough, we fans know there’s only one thing to do – blame the usual suspects. This year their ranks included Chamakh, Djourou, Arshavin, Walcott and Ramsey. With honourable mentions for both Almunia and Denilson, quite an achievement given that neither of them actually played.
Apocalypse Now: with the late departures of Fabregas and Na$ri, the aforementioned losses at Man Utd and Blackburn and a slump to 17th in the league, there was a period when plenty of fans were declaring that the End Times had come (well, for Arsene Wenger, at least). Instead Arsene put on his camouflage face paint, took a machete and swam upriver to slaughter the bloated madman who had got drunk on his own power. Twitchy – “we’re gonna win the fackin league, I’m gonna manage Engerlund” – was never the same again.
Robin’s Good – Prince of Goal Thieves: needs no explanation. (See also ‘A Clockwork Orange’).
Groundhog Day: as we approached the season run-in on the back of a string of great results, what could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, the traditional late-season slump. It may not have been as bad as the previous two years, but we didn’t make an easy job of clinching third, did we?
Twitchy and Rosie Get Paid: an unconventional London couple find themselves in a Swiss bank. One is a dumb animal unaware of its surroundings. The other is Rosie the dog.
Twelve Monkeys: Totteringham’s first 11, plus manager.
Let The Right One In: as the seconds ticked towards the slamming shut of the transfer window last August, who would Arsene let in? Well, most of them did OK… but we’re still baffled by the signing of that Park fellow. He could be a vampire, you know.
12 Angry Men: that was about right for the black scarf protest wasn’t it? Or were they in single figures?
Fantastic Mr Ox: “we don’t want another bloody kid – especially if he’s supposed to be Walcott Mark 2… oh, wait a bit, he’s not bad is he? Oy, Wenger, who do you think you are subbing our boy Oxo!”
Henry, Portrait of a Serial Thriller: come back any time, Thierry. Please?
The Silence of the Lambs: did you hear it? That silence that echoed silently round the Emirates from the silent away supporters’ end during a certain 5-2 victory? Poor lambs… but they all came to the slaughter.
Eternal Scumshine of the Potless Mind (the Gappers): what would we do without them? Bless.
Taxi Driver: ‘Arry’s next job.
Dirty Harry: alright, alright, no more Twitchy titles.
To Kill A Mockingspud: there’s no need to do it literally, all you have to do is wait for the end of the season, then they’ll do the job themselves.
Das Boot: when not being used for submarine warfare, this vessel is worn on Per Mertesacker’s foot.
Amadeus: finally our little Mozart flew again, like a pheasant from the ashes.
For A Few Dollars More: bye bye Samir.
Tango and Cash: Phil Brown to be appointed new manager at Man City. Na$ri to get a pay rise and more splinters.
That’s it. Your turn now – I’m sure you can do better than my lame efforts. The best suggestion wins a night out with Gareth Bale. Runner up wins two nights out with Gareth Bale. Boom boom.