Arsenal Supporters Anonymous – The Twelve Steps

Written by chas

1.  We admitted we were powerless over Arsenal Football Club – but that our lives had become unmanageable without it.

2.  Came to believe that a Football Club greater than any individual could restore us to unity.

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the adoration of Dennis Bergkamp as we understood him.

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves as supporters of our beloved team.

5.  Admitted to Patrick Vieira, to ourselves and to anyone else willing to listen the exact nature of how wrong it is to support the spuds.

6.  Were entirely ready to have Thierry Henry remove all our defects as supporters.

7.  Humbly asked Robert Pires to remove our shortcomings as worshippers.

 

(Haha, looking for pictures of Bobby, I came across this… what a cracker!)

8.  Made a list of all players we had unjustly criticised, and became willing to amend our opinions of them all.

9.  Made direct amends to such players wherever possible, except when to do so would fly in the face of all that is sane.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory of our opinions about the squad and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the footballing gods as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of their wishes for the team and their power to influence dodgy referees.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Arsenal supporters worldwide and to spread these principles at every game we watched or attended.

126 Responses to Arsenal Supporters Anonymous – The Twelve Steps

  1. evonne says:

    Chas – the First Step is the most important in one’s recovery and must be done 100%, and yes I am no longer in denial and admit that my life without AFC is boring. Great idea Chas 🙂

  2. TotalArsenal says:

    Chas :L I’ll raise my drink to your post. Thank you for giving me a sense of purpose and hope again – you have transformed my life.

  3. TotalArsenal says:

    Chas:P Great pics as well. Love the DB one, what a panther.

  4. TotalArsenal says:

    That’s a great first step Mickeyk – good to see you you are on your way to redemption 😉

  5. Red Arse says:

    Excellent Chas, 🙂

    Football is like a religion to many, and your 12 Steps is a natural progression from the 10 Commandments! 🙂

    In fact, to an enlightened person, it is refreshing and invigorating to look at ourselves and to reflect on what we, as supporters, get right and also, perhaps, get wrong, and help us to improve as fans and as people.

    Good and unusual debut Post. Well done!

  6. Red Arse says:

    MickeyK,

    As regards your comment and advice …… back at you!

  7. Gooner in Exile says:

    Hello my name is GIE…….

    I am an Arsenal Supporter..

    Well done Chas, thinking about it…..no mention of Adams shurely he was a perfect fit for one of the steps.

  8. Red Arse says:

    Morning Evonne, 🙂

    I loved your joke, and the punchline was ace. I was still chuckling when Rocky added his ‘non joke’ punchlines, which added to the moment.

    Thank you both! 🙂

  9. Red Arse says:

    Hi GIE, 🙂

    Given that you are a Gooner, who will never be ‘cured’ and will remain an unrepentent Arsenal man for the rest of your life, I would like to delve deeper into your Psyche, sir.

    People go to AA (the Alchy one) to get weaned off alchohol, I think you and Chas are proposing to entice people, thru’ AA (the footie one) to immerse themselves in supporting the greatest club in the world, for the rest of their lives, by following the 12 Steps!

    Can this be possibly true? 🙂

  10. Tomas says:

    great post. Talk about spuds, this pic is hillarious. no wonder modric didn’t want to stay!

  11. London says:

    Well done Chas

  12. Gooner in Exile says:

    RA

    I think going to ASA or AA one is trying to express their addiction in a forgiving circle.

    It is a place to temper addiction not rid yourself from it and to understand how to deal with the addiction in a way that leaves you an enormous sense of well being.

    (politicians answer 😀 )

  13. evonne says:

    Tomas – great pic

    Good morning TA

    GiE – @9:53 – made my day

    RA – I thought you might like the joke 🙂
    The 12 Steps Recovery Programme is not just for alcoholics, it is for any addiction including gambling, shopping and sex. I wonder if there are meetings for Arsenal addicts, there should be 🙂

  14. Double98 says:

    Hi evonne – if someone is powerless over sexy football – will they need a 24 step programme? 🙂

  15. Carlito11 says:

    Love the concept and the execution chas! Can’t believe that’s your debut! Quality! 🙂 Another busy day so off I pop again!

  16. Carlito11 says:

    Just quickly- why all the references to MickyK? I can’t find any comment by someone of that name…

  17. dandan says:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

    I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

    ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies…
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1.. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

    2.. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

    3.. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

    4.. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

    5.. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

    6.. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

    7.. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

    8.. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

    9.. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

    10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

    11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

    12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

    And the best one of all:
    13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

  18. SharkeySure says:

    Cracking debut Chas. Love the concept, and its very well executed.

    Hello, I am Sharkey Sure

    I am an Arsenal fan.

    I am here to be helped

  19. SharkeySure says:

    Goonergal last night. I loved every word of that post.

    Heres an example of the media and their need to constantly write shite about our great club.

    http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/81739,sport,football,patrick-vieira-to-mastermind-manchester-city-raid-on-arsenal-for-samir-nasri

    Hang your head in shame Mr Bill Mann (would anyone really write such rubbish and use their real name..??)

  20. Camberwell Gooner says:

    @dandan, Hilarious post. People in the office were asking me if I was ok because I kept sniggering to myself throughout the whole thing.

    My personal favourite? “You would have to burn your house”!

    Up the, er, Arse?

  21. dandan says:

    How did you guess it was for you Kelsey. 🙂

  22. goonermichael says:

    What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

    Hallou mi

  23. gunnern5 says:

    Took my Rottweiler to the vet.
    “My dogs cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
    “Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him”
    He picked my dog up and examined his eyes, then he checked his teeth.
    Finally, he said “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to put him down”
    I said “What! just because he’s cross eyed?”
    No – because he’s really heavy!

    Compliments to Tommy Cooper.

  24. gunnern5 says:

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron”
    The other says, “Are you sure?”
    The first one says, “Yes I’m positive”….

  25. gunnern5 says:

    I had a ploughman’s lunch yesterday.
    He was not very happy with me!

  26. gunnern5 says:

    Two cannibal’s were eating a clown.
    One said to the other – “Does this taste funny to you?”

  27. goonermichael says:

    lol

  28. goonermichael says:

    I was sitting next to van gogh in a bar last night. I asked him if I could buy him a drink. He said no thanks I’ve got one ear

    Obviosly better when told in person.

  29. gunnern5 says:

    A sandwich walked into a bar.
    The barman said “Sorry we don’t serve food in here!”

    A jump lead walks into a bar.
    The barman said “I’ll serve you if you don’t start anything!”

  30. gunnern5 says:

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra……………

  31. RockyLives says:

    Gn5 😀
    You’re on form today!

  32. gunnern5 says:

    Two peanuts walked into a bar for a quiet drink.
    Unfortunately one was a-salted.

  33. RockyLives says:

    Chas
    Is that really your first post? It feels like you’ve written one before – but I suppose that’s just from reading all your excellent comments.

    Really clever post. I wonder how you came to have so much knowledge of the 12 step programme?

    I also often wonder about my own obsessive interest in Arsenal.

    Is it Addiction?
    Affection?
    Attraction?
    Affliction?
    Affectation?
    Abstraction?
    Adoration?
    Or just plain Aberration?

    Or maybe it begins with some other letter…?

  34. RockyLives says:

    Two pieces of black asphalt were having a drink at a bar.

    A piece of green asphalt came in and sat on the other side of the bar.

    Black Asphalt 1: “Shall we invite him to join us?”

    Black Asphalt 2: “No way. He’s a cycle path.”

  35. gunnern5 says:

    Man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.
    “Barman I’d like a pint of bitter please, and while you’re there get me one for the road!”

  36. chas says:

    Thanks for all your kind comments. 🙂

    Rocky, I think it’s probably all of those.

  37. Carlito11 says:

    A neutron walks into a bar and asks “How much is a pint?”
    “For you sir- no charge!”
    I’ll get my coat 😳

  38. RockyLives says:

    Love these quantum physics jokes!

    Redders wrote an entire post on here once, based on particle physics. It was brilliantly eccentric genius.

  39. Carlito11 says:

    Hi RL- I have to agree, that post by Red Arse has lived long in the memory- the most challenging post on Arsenal since the Swiss Ramble when through our accounts in minute detail- but far more interesting intellectually! I’ve just been trying to catch up on some of the posts recently- your anagrams were brilliant!

  40. Carlito11 says:

    Not just the headline post actually but the way everyone got in on the act and changed their names etc! I love this site 🙂 Some great “new” posters on here too- Double98 your contribution to the anagrams post was top quality!

  41. RockyLives says:

    Thanks Carlito
    By anagramming you (and cheating it a bit by using the letters from CARLITO ELEVEN) I’m left wondering whether or not you are actually an alter ego of Red Arse’s.

    You see, the letters unscramble thusly:

    Ole! Rectal Vein

  42. RockyLives says:

    I must admit, my favourite anagram of all came from Double 98:

    Tomas Rosicky: Sick Room Stay

    Perfect 🙂

  43. Carlito11 says:

    Ouch RL! How about a Race till Evone?

  44. Gooner in Exile says:

    What’s Orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A Carrot

    (Ithank you)

  45. RockyLives says:

    Carlito
    Or, in anticipation of us rectifying that dreadful home defeat to the Spuds by hammering them at their place this season:

    Cure evil at Lane

  46. Gooner in Exile says:

    Harsh from Vile Corkys 😀

  47. RockyLives says:

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick.

    I’ll get my coat…

  48. chas says:

    Why do elephants paint their balls red?
    …….so they can hide in cherry trees.

    What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
    ……..giraffes eating cherries

  49. RockyLives says:

    chas 😀

  50. Gooner in Exile says:

    Chas 😀 😀 😀

    Rabbit walks into a bar says “excuse me barman can I have a pint of beer?”

    Barman replies “sorry we don’t serve rabbits in here”

    Half hour later the rabbit comes back says “excuse me barman can I have a pint of beer?”

    Barman replies “I’ve told you once we don’t serve rabbits, if you ask for a beer again I’ll nail hour ears to the bar!”

    Half hour later rabbit comes back “excuse me barman have you got any nails?”

    Barman says “no”.

    Rabbit “can I have a pint of beer then?”

  51. gunnern5 says:

    Q. Why are elephants so wrinkled?

    A. Have you ever tried to iron one?

  52. Red Arse says:

    Chas,

    Have been tied up today — not literally, of course 🙂 — but having read thru the delightful funnies from GN5, GM, Rocky, GIE, Carlito and others, I really had my spirits lifted, but I have to say I did not get your cherry tree joke.

    Until I re-read it and could not stop laughing!! 🙂

    I loved its unexpected and totally hilarious slow burn. Brilliant! 🙂

    What did Evonne start with her joke for me, yesterday? She deserves a great deal of credit for helping to enliven a pretty quiet day! 🙂

    Speaking of which; like Sharkey (where has he gone?) I loved Gooner Gals comment, last night, which I thought was genuinely emotive and moving. Well done to her too! 🙂

  53. Red Arse aka 26 May says:

    I don’t know if it is a good idea to send this to all of you chaps! The girls are going to skin me. Still there’s no one on here so I will pretend to be 26 May! 🙂

    THE ORIGINAL SIN!!

    Caveman to his mate: I don’t think this will cause a problem — I’ve taught her to talk!!

  54. Red Arse aka 26 May says:

    Thank goodness the Peach is not around!! 🙂 🙂

  55. chas says:

    RA, I liked and remembered that joke after having almost exactly the same experience with it as you.

  56. dandan says:

    A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she said, “I love you so much; I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

    Her husband asked, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”

    She replied, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”

  57. gunnern5 says:

    What do you call a women who has lost most of her intelligence?

    Divorced!!!

  58. Evening all……….

    My name is Harry, I have been an arsenal supporter all my life, its an addiction, a wanton lust, a desire, a need, a fix, my mind thinks of it all 24/7………

    I need help………..

    I just cannot get enough of it………

    Come on your rip roaring reds,

  59. gunnern5 says:

    How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

    None – It should already be open by the time she brings it.

  60. gunnern5 says:

    Why are most hurricanes named after women?

    They come in wet and wild and leave with your house and car…………..

  61. gunnern5 says:

    What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?

    A women who won’t do as she’s told.

  62. Red Arse aka 26 May says:

    GN5,

    Thank goodness you are around. My misdemeanour (well 26 May’s that is) pales into insignificance. 🙂

    Watch out — Peacher may not be about, but Evonne the grass probably is!!! 🙂

  63. RockyLives says:

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said,” Dust!”

  64. Red Arse aka 26 May says:

    Nice one Double D, that balances up the male/female joke ratio. 🙂

  65. RockyLives says:

    First man (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second man: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

  66. Red Arse says:

    Chas,

    Been a good day for you with your debut Post and then a really good joke!

    More please, in the near future! 🙂

  67. RockyLives says:

    And just to keep Peaches and Evonne off my back, I’m sure we all know the classic:

    Q. What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?

    A. A man.

  68. RockyLives says:

    Redders
    I note that you were in NY recently. Is that where you’re from originally?
    I have a recollection that you may be a Yankees fan. They were here in Toronto yesterday but got a bit of a hiding from the Blue Jays.

  69. Red Arse says:

    H6H,

    Re your 7:02,

    Your addiction for wanton lust just makes me feel bad.

    I’ve been wanton some lust for a long time — no deal! 🙂

  70. Red Arse says:

    Hi Rocky,

    Yep, NY is my home town, and yes I am a Yankees man too. The Yankees sometimes drive me mad, they have been playing well lately but then they got beat 16:7 yesterday.

    I saw some of the game and it was high scoring and exciting. Still Toronto Jays are at Yankees tonight. We will sort them!! 🙂

    We are 2nd in the American League East with a PCT of .596, the Blue Jays are 4th. Arsenal being beaten by Wigan springs to mind!

    My other love is the NY Giants (in the NFL) — but they have been struggling in the last few seasons too!

    Nothing beats my love of the Gunners tho’, since my dad first took me as a young child!! 🙂

  71. RockyLives says:

    Redders
    So did you grow up in London then? Or were you visiting when your Dad took you.

    I like baseball (mainly for its history and its place in the American story). I’ll also watch NFL. Recently I really got hooked by the NBA plays-offs and finals. Basketball was I game for which I previously had no time at all, but a friend who really understands it took me to a game and explained a lot. Once I started watching it I got really hooked.

  72. Red Arse says:

    Rocky,

    It’s a bit difficult to explain — especially with half the world reading 🙂 — but my dad’s job had a lot to do with it. I did not have a ‘settled’ childhood, but very exciting, I suppose, having lived in the US, UK, Germany and Oz, but, as an adult, mainly in the US and UK 🙂

    I have family in 3 of those countries can you believe. Anyway, enough about me!

    Basketball is hugely popular in the States, but it is not one I have really taken to. (Did not see too much of it, except on TV).

  73. RockyLives says:

    Redders
    You’re clearly an international man of mystery!

    Anyway, as you say, many sports are enjoyable, but nothing binds the soul like Arsenal.

  74. Red Arse says:

    Well, it’s well past my bedtime, so when a man’s gotta go, he’s gotta go. 🙂

    See you tomorrow, hopefully, Rocky.

    Nite all, and thanks for a blindingly good read today. 🙂

  75. RockyLives says:

    See you ReddersDude
    talk tomorrow

  76. VCC says:

    Did you know only one of the seven dwarfs were happy?

  77. VCC says:

    The Beckhams new baby called Harper Seven!!!!!! Last time I heard that was when a geezer with a hair lip told me the time.

  78. VCC says:

    This poses a really interesting question of “just why is that?”
    The Arabs aren’t happy!

    The Arabs aren’t happy!

    • They’re not happy in Gaza .

    • They’re not happy in Egypt .

    • They’re not happy in Libya .
    • They’re not happy in Morocco .
    • They’re not happy in Iran .
    • They’re not happy in Iraq .
    • They’re not happy in Yemen .
    • They’re not happy in Afghanistan .
    • They’re not happy in Pakistan .
    • They’re not happy in Syria .
    • They’re not happy in Lebanon .
    And where are they happy?
    • They’re happy in England .
    • They’re happy in France .
    • They’re happy in Italy .
    • They’re happy in Germany .
    • They’re happy in Sweden .
    • They’re happy in the USA .
    • They’re happy in Norway .
    • They’re happy in every country that is not Muslim.
    And who do they blame?
    • Not Islam!!.
    • Not their leadership!!.
    • Not themselves.
    THEY BLAME…
    THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.

  79. VCC says:

    Dear Minister,

    I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I die. Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my NHS insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture… Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

    Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally pissed off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances, which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor…who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…

    Yours sincerely,
    An Irate British Citizen.

  80. VCC says:

    LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER!

    Dear Son,

    Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We are all doing very well.

    You won’t recognise the house when you get home – we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

    Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.

    Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

    Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been there a short while and they’ve already made him a court martial!

    Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

    I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

    I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

    The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

    We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up she comes.

    About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

    There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

    Your loving Mum.

    P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

  81. VCC says:

    Subject: Letter to Mr Cameron; GENIUS

    Dear Mr. Cameron,

    Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

    Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

    You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

    There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

    Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

    1) They MUST retire.
    Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

    2) They MUST buy a new British car.
    Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage –
    Housing Crisis fixed

    4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university –
    Crime rate fixed

    5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
    And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

    It can’t get any easier than that!

    P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

    If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

    Also………..
    Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

    This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

    They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

    Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

    They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

    Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

    Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

    Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

    There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

    The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

    Think about this (more points of contention):

    COWS
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

    And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
    —————————————-

  82. evonne says:

    GN5 – expect an email on Tuesday morning. I shall strongly recommend that your IP address is permanently barred on this blog. I am shocked that Rasp has not pointed out to you YET that sexist jibes are not allowed 🙂

    Rocky – 2 brownie points

    RA – you are a Yank?? Why did I think you are a Paddy?

  83. SharkeySure says:

    “I will pretend to be 26 May! ”

    So simple…yet so hilariously funny !!

  84. Cure evil at Lane says:

    Rocky- I salute your anagramatical skills! Evonne- you probably thought RA was Irish because of his facility with language- it’s a stereotype I know, but in my experience the Irish have a way with this language that is second to none!

  85. Cure evil at Lane says:

    Ey oop Sharkey lad! 🙂

  86. peachesgooner says:

    Right you rotten lot, just found some internet at a friends house and their are no posts in drafts and no hint of a post for tomorrow 😦

    We don’t need much for a Saturday so if anyone fancies putting fingers to keyboard Rasp would really appreciate it.

    Well done chas for your post, I’m off to read it now 🙂

  87. SharkeySure says:

    Thats cos I used the word ‘nowt’ in an email earlier this week. Now I’ll be bombarded with northern epithets…oh well prob serves me right.

    I remember bombarding MIDI89 with nautical references when he first joined for a similar reason. At least I think it was him…

  88. SharkeySure says:

    I’ve half an idea PeachySue…its working title is:

    “I’m an Arsenal doomer – I beat my wife’..??

  89. CarlitoEleven says:

    Apart from a haiku on Carlos Vela I have nothing to offer I’m afraid Peaches!

  90. CarlitoEleven says:

    lol twice SS! 😀

  91. CarlitoEleven says:

    victory already won
    vela comes on sexy play
    goalward chip ensues

  92. peachesgooner says:

    Sharkey 🙂 I understand your sentiments I’m just not sure about the title but then I won’t be around anyway. Have you got it ready to send in?

  93. peachesgooner says:

    Sorry Carlito, it has to include the word yummy ……..

  94. CarlitoEleven says:

    Peaches- check drafts- it’s not much but maybe it’ll do?

  95. SharkeySure says:

    Lol. I’ll get you back for that Carlito !!

  96. peachesgooner says:

    …………. or a second verse and lots of pictures ……….

    I’ll have a look xx

  97. SharkeySure says:

    No sorry PeachySue….it was just me on a bit of a wind up. I’m a bit sado-masochistic like that.

    Teasing a fierce warrior princess…oh dear.

  98. SharkeySure says:

    I’d just love to see my ‘working title’ as a headline on NewsNow. I’d just love it… *said staring into camera and jabbing my finger aggressively*

  99. peachesgooner says:

    I’ll get me whip out Sharkey, you’ll be sorry 😆

    Carlito – its fab, just how I’m feeling too, thankyou. Enjoy your day 🙂

  100. SharkeySure says:

  101. SharkeySure says:

    Yaayyyyy…its worked – I’m the new Chas !!!!

  102. Jamie says:

    First time on today. Smashing post, it does feel like that.

    My name is Jamie and I’m and alcoh….. No the week has not been quite that heavy, close, but not quite.

    Just had a 600g steak though. I think perhaps a temoprary detox from Arsenal, Booze and bad foods.

  103. SharkeySure says:

    PeachySue – as this is a family site I won’t respond (in kind?) to that !!

  104. peachesgooner says:

    I’d love to stay and chat but I’m fading fast – catch up soon xx

  105. SharkeySure says:

    Best of luck with all you’ve got on Peachysue

  106. SharkeySure says:

    A decent meal at last ‘eh Jamie..??

    Your tale earlier this week sounded like the original kernel of an idea for the ‘Hangover’ movies.

    Pick thru the clues (receipts, stains, flesh wounds, etc) and try to work out what the hell you’d been up to the night before.

  107. CarlitoEleven says:

    Glad it passed muster peaches 🙂 Love the vid SS- felt a bit like him playing 5 a side this Wednesday! Night all

  108. Carlito11 says:

    btw Rasp- if you can think of a better headline don’t hesitate! Really goodnight now 🙂

  109. Jamie says:

    Sharkey – It has been that kind of week.

    Need to do something healthy this weekend!

  110. SharkeySure says:

    Its night all from me too.

    Night all

  111. 26may1989 says:

    My name’s 26 and I like the new away kit…..

    In an insomniac moment, thought I’d check how you guys are getting on. Sorry for being away, have just been feeling like I don’t have anything interesting to say! I know, how come it took me so long, yada yada.

    Anyways, a couple of titbits for my mate RA:

    1. I’m a Blue Jays fan (really!) – hasn’t panned out so well for the Yankees tonight has it? 7-1 to the Jays and counting!! And that on top of a huge 16-7 win on Thursday. Ouch. But yes, the Yankees are doing better overall, I’ll give you that.

    2. My lawyers will be in touch about the breaches of my intellectual property rights at 6.31pm etc……. 😉

    See y’all again soon.

  112. chas says:

    Nice to see AW smiling

  113. chas says:

    10 minutes of fun….

  114. chas says:

    Those Chinese Arsenal fans are bad…

    http://yfrog.com/user/ArsenalChina/profile

  115. chas says:

    ooops, should have been this

    http://yfrog.com/kj4s1mp

  116. evonne says:

    Morning Chas,
    thanks for @7:07, I like it a lot
    Yeah, AW was smiling alot, the question is I have no idea why, could not understand one word, did he 🙂

  117. chas says:

    Morning Evonne,

    He’s probably smiling because he’s not in England where so many want to have a go at him.

  118. evonne says:

    Cure evil at Lane @9:46 – you are so right! I thought RA was American because of his spill, he could charm the birds of the trees 🙂 Sadly, I had fallen victim of such behaviour once too often, I’d better stay away from RA from now on

    Chas – perhaps AW thought the situation hillarious, at 6′ something and being surrounded by millions of always smiling, very fast talking little guys 🙂

  119. evonne says:

    RA – before you ask – the answer is: ‘ah oui, tui!

  120. evonne says:

    ….nobody’s talking to me 😦
    ok, I am going to waffle until the New Post:

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that’s more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet (O.M.G.!)

    A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes (In my next life, I want to be a pig)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy….I’m still not over the pig)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (don’t try this at home ; maybe at work)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off
    (Honey, I’m home . What the…?)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet (Something I always wanted to know)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue (Hmmmmmm…….)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

    A cat’s urine glows under a black light (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out)

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain (I know some people like that)

    Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that, too)

    Polar bears are left-handed (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

    Now send it to everyone! (and God love that pig!)

  121. Rasp says:

    Morning all,

    New post ……….

  122. King Tingen says:

    Hi, thanks for this comment 🙂

  123. Thanks for a interesting blog posting. I love the laughable remarks.

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