Arsenal Apocalypse: Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 3

When Peaches suggested I write today’s blog my first reaction was: “Thanks: that’s like asking someone to DJ at a funeral, or sell futures at the OAPs’ home.” But here we are. Given how furious I was after yesterday’s game I was going to have a rant but, let’s be honest, you can find rants all over NewsNow today.

Instead I took inspiration from the title of a song by Ian Dury and the Blockheads, called Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3. If you’re too young to remember Ian Dury, then shame on you: you should have been born earlier. But don’t despair – go and see Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, a fantastic biopic of the Dury story, with Andy Serkis (he was Gollum in Lord of the Rings) playing the great man. This is not the place for a beginners’ guide to Ian Dury, but suffice to say he was disabled most of his life from polio contracted at the age of seven and died of cancer in his fifties. In between he produced an amazing, eclectic catalogue of songs full of wit, humour, irreverence, obscenity and an unquenchable lust for life.

One of them was called Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3 and was a list of things that made him happy. The ‘Part 3’ bit felt particularly apt as this is my third post on Arsenal Arsenal and the first two were relentlessly optimistic. So here goes, reasons for all we Arsenal fans to be cheerful:

  • Arsene may not see much, but he isn’t blind.
  • The recent defeats remove any illusions Arsene had about his squad.
  • If Fabianski had played brilliantly ‘til the end of the season AW would not sign a new GK.
  • Robin VP is back.
  • Cesc will be back.
  • Ramsey will be back.
  • Chamakh is coming and looks shit hot.
  • We have a +11 goal difference over Sp*rs.
  • Blackburn have nothing to play for.
  • Fulham have nothing to play for.
  • Adebarndoor’s coming to town.
  • The club finances are better than they have been for years.
  • PHW says we have money to spend.
  • PHW is a comical old duffer.
  • Arsene says we have money to spend.
  • Arsene is comical when he flaps his arms.
  • We don’t have to play Barcelona again this season.
  • Sol. Nuff said.
  • No takeover of the club while the volcano is keeping Silent Stan in the USA.
  • Spain might win the World Cup playing BarcaBall (it’s like Wengerball, but with shiny silver things at the end).
  • Cesc and Ramsey are a shoo-in for the Three-Legged Race in the Colney end of season sports day.
  • Arsene doesn’t twitch.
  • We would never celebrate one derby league victory in 11 years as if it were the Double, Treble, Champions League and World Cup all rolled into one.
  • No matter what happens to Arsenal, even if we get relegated to the Arkwright’s Pistons League South and the Emirates stadium is turned into a cycling velodrome, we’ll still always have more class than those spiteful, embittered, inferiority-complexed, chip-on-shoulder, thumb-sucking gibbons from N17.
    We won the league on Merseyside.

  • We won the league in Manchester.
  • We won the league at White Hart Lane.
  • We are the Arsenal so fuck off the rest.

· Footnote. When I was in rant mode, I was planning to run through the merits (or lack of them) of the players responsible for that sickbag of a performance at Wigan yesterday. I was going to use a line from another Ian Dury song (Plaistow Patricia) as my inspiration: it’s the opening line and goes like this: “Arseholes, Bastards, Fucking Cunts and Pricks.”
Keep the faith folks.


11 Responses to Arsenal Apocalypse: Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 3

  1. Morning all on what must be the worst Monday morning blues this season.

    Rocky’s post made me laugh so much ….. thankyou Rocky

  2. charybdis1966 says:

    Morning all,
    Good attempt at keeping the faith R Lives and hats off to you for being able to write a post today,
    I’m not quite young enough to not know who Ian Drury is – although I admit to never paying attention (I was always a HM fan, the delights of Halford/Tipton/Downing and Iommi and Schenker were always my preferred non classical listening material) – yet despite the obvious upbeat points you raise I have to vent my spleen about yesterday.
    Why on earth was it 90 minutes before Robin was sent on – at 2-1 he should have come on and kept Wigan’s defence occupied. Merida has more or less been sold off, what the hell was the point of giving him any more playing time? That decision has me almost as angry as leaving Arshavin out of our starting 11 for last year’s FA Cup semi.
    Another sickening thing was to see a column of 3 of our defenders -lined up one behind the other, as Charles Insomnia took his shot. Is that the best our defensive coaching can lead to?
    While I don’t advocate wholesale changes to the squad – I’d say we need a minimum of 3 outfield players(new Goalies are now a given) – the thing that would help the most would be players working hard off the ball. If we at least did that, as we were doing at the beginning of the season, we would not be in looking at potentially 4 defeats in a row when Tevez, Bellamy and he who shall not be named come to visit on Saturday.
    I’ll be at the Grove on Saturday and I’m already feeling a little nauseous at the prospect of what could happen.
    At least I can get pissed with Peachy before the game – I know alcohol is only a temporary solution, I say “only if you stop drinking.”

  3. Samuel says:

    If Alex Song isn,t available against Man.City then Arsenal can forget about 3rd place as Spurs or City can overhaul us by wining their remaining games and Arsenal losing their last three,the defence is simply woeful without Song to break up the attacks and win possession as Wigan showed ,Sagna ,Silvestre no clue ,so bring back Traore and Eboue ,can,t be worse than the aforementioned two?

  4. Rasputin says:

    Morning all,

    A simply brilliant post Rocky in the circumstances.

    Yes we can get angry, yes we can attack other supporters whose views do not reflect our own, but we are all deluding ourselves if we think we can stop loving the Arsenal no matter how sad and angry our team has made us feel.

  5. charybdis1966 says:

    In keeping with the theme of the post we have to hope that the 3 teams(or Horsemen) that beat us Barca(War), Spuds(the anti- Christ) and Wigan(famine) aren’t a prelude for the 4th Death/Devastatio/plague – Man Shitty.

  6. Rasputin says:


    We won’t lose our last 3 games IMO. It’s quite possible that citeh will take points off us but I don’t expect we will lose to the other two.

  7. tommystout says:

    well done RL, was wondering who might be able to put pen to paper this morning…
    yes we’ve got plenty to be cheerful about, i’ll agree on that.
    & chary – rob halford was god when i was a kiddo!
    anyhow, i think arseblog today has a good rant/ report. We all know whats wrong with the arsenal, we hope arsene wenger does to.
    ive lost patience with diaby now, and the general complacency that we have with lesser teams.
    we need a new defensive coach – enter martin keown.
    do we need english neucleus to the team? not sure but we could start with an english keeper. Hart will do nicely!

  8. tommystout says:

    where is ghost face today… was thinking he might be writing the report!

  9. charybdis1966 says:

    Yeah TommyS – I’ve been to see The Priest 5 times over the last 15 years or so – the last time directly after a game – Sunderland last season I recall. The depression of that 0-0 draw was lifted by another electric performance by the Priest, we had Megadeth and Exodus as support, they were good too.

  10. gnarleygeorge9 says:

    I feel flat, & drained by Arsene Wenger & The Arsenal Board.

    Over & out.

  11. Rasputin says:

    Guys, I’ve had to re-submit the post as all the search engines filtered it out due to the use of ‘old english’ … please refersh your screens and place comments on the updated version

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