When Peaches suggested I write today’s blog my first reaction was: “Thanks: that’s like asking someone to DJ at a funeral, or sell futures at the OAPs’ home.” But here we are. Given how furious I was after yesterday’s game I was going to have a rant but, let’s be honest, you can find rants all over NewsNow today.
Instead I took inspiration from the title of a song by Ian Dury and the Blockheads, called Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3. If you’re too young to remember Ian Dury, then shame on you: you should have been born earlier. But don’t despair – go and see Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, a fantastic biopic of the Dury story, with Andy Serkis (he was Gollum in Lord of the Rings) playing the great man. This is not the place for a beginners’ guide to Ian Dury, but suffice to say he was disabled most of his life from polio contracted at the age of seven and died of cancer in his fifties. In between he produced an amazing, eclectic catalogue of songs full of wit, humour, irreverence, obscenity and an unquenchable lust for life.
One of them was called Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3 and was a list of things that made him happy. The ‘Part 3’ bit felt particularly apt as this is my third post on Arsenal Arsenal and the first two were relentlessly optimistic. So here goes, reasons for all we Arsenal fans to be cheerful:
- Arsene may not see much, but he isn’t blind.
- The recent defeats remove any illusions Arsene had about his squad.
- If Fabianski had played brilliantly ‘til the end of the season AW would not sign a new GK.
- Robin VP is back.
- Cesc will be back.
- Ramsey will be back.
- Chamakh is coming and looks shit hot.
- We have a +11 goal difference over Sp*rs.
- Blackburn have nothing to play for.
- Fulham have nothing to play for.
- Adebarndoor’s coming to town.
- The club finances are better than they have been for years.
- PHW says we have money to spend.
- PHW is a comical old duffer.
- Arsene says we have money to spend.
- Arsene is comical when he flaps his arms.
- We don’t have to play Barcelona again this season.
- Sol. Nuff said.
- No takeover of the club while the volcano is keeping Silent Stan in the USA.
- Spain might win the World Cup playing BarcaBall (it’s like Wengerball, but with shiny silver things at the end).
- Cesc and Ramsey are a shoo-in for the Three-Legged Race in the Colney end of season sports day.
- Arsene doesn’t twitch.
- We would never celebrate one derby league victory in 11 years as if it were the Double, Treble, Champions League and World Cup all rolled into one.
- No matter what happens to Arsenal, even if we get relegated to the Arkwright’s Pistons League South and the Emirates stadium is turned into a cycling velodrome, we’ll still always have more class than those spiteful, embittered, inferiority-complexed, chip-on-shoulder, thumb-sucking gibbons from N17.
- We won the league on Merseyside.
- We won the league in Manchester.
- We won the league at White Hart Lane.
- We are the Arsenal so f**k off the rest.
· Footnote. When I was in rant mode, I was planning to run through the merits (or lack of them) of the players responsible for that sickbag of a performance at Wigan yesterday. I was going to use a line from another Ian Dury song (Plaistow Patricia) as my inspiration: it’s the opening line and goes like this: “Arseholes, Bastards, F***ing C**ts and P**cks.”
Keep the faith folks.