You may have heard the sad news that Tottenham’s attempt to lure Antonio Conte as their new head coach has failed.
Quite inexplicably, the Italian came to the conclusion that the North London club (who have not won the league for 60 years nor any trophy at all for 13 years) are not ambitious enough. Can’t think where he got that idea.
It’s back to the drawing board for the Lilywhites so, in a genuine attempt at neighbourly solidarity, I thought it would be helpful to offer up some names for them to consider.
I’m not going to list the more obvious candidates at whom I’m sure they will now be looking: Harry Redknapp, Glenn Hoddle, Christian Gross, Tim Sherwood, Juande Ramos and the like – I shall leave that to the professional sports writers and, instead, offer some more “left field” suggestions.
- Mackenzie Crook
For a club that has really struggled to locate silverware (or any other precious metals) it would be a stroke of genius to recruit the star and writer of the hit TV series “Detectorists.” As well as being an expert at finding lost treasure with his metal detecting device, Crook is a popular and instantly recognisable figure and his experience of starring in The Office alongside Ricky Gervais will give him a head start with the tortured internal politics at Spurs.
2. Lucinda Lambton
Not at the top of many people’s shortlists and undoubtedly lacking in experience of coaching players at the highest level, but the writer Lady Lucinda Worsthorne (to give her her full name) would be a terrific leader for the club and its infrastructure as a whole. As the author of “Temples of Convenience & Chambers of Delight: the Loo Bible,” she is an expert on Britain’s public toilets and would surely relish the chance to make the most of the Armitage Shanks Arena, the largest public karzi in Britain.
3. Pickles the Wonder Dog
If Mackenzie Crook is not available (there are rumours that Barcelona have their eye on him) then Pickles the Wonder Dog would be a great fallback option for Tottenham. He, too, has a track record of finding missing silverware – in his case no less a trophy than the World Cup. The Jules Rimet trophy was stolen in 1966 (when the World Cup was being held on these shores). It was shaping up to be a massive national embarrassment until Pickles, a black and white collie, retrieved the trophy in Upper Norwood while out for a walk. Good boy! (You might reasonably point out that Pickles was called to the great lamppost in the sky some 54 years ago, but that should not be a problem for Tottenham: after all, they appointed Jose Mourinho and he’s been one of the Undead for at least 200 years).
4. Colonel Sanders
If you’re looking for someone to take a sad, skinny chicken and turn it into a world-beating brand, the Colonel is your man. And “finger lickin’ good” would be a popular new motto among fans who struggle with the concept of cutlery.
5. Alan Titchmarsh
Gardeners will be familiar with the problem: you have a dark, shady area in an unloved part of your plot where things just won’t grow. It takes a lot of skill and nurturing to get plants to thrive in such circumstances and only a horticulturist of Titchmarsh’s expertise would have a chance of getting it right. Tottenham have always struggled to prosper because of the huge, dark shadow cast over them by The Mighty Arsenal, but give Titchmarsh the job and you never know: those sad little lilywhites might just bloom again.
6. Hercules
At the extreme end of the options is the ancient Greek hero and demigod Hercules (aka Heracles). He’s a long shot, but if Tottenham’s owner Joe Lewis – frustrated with years of failure – is in the mood to blow it all up and start from scratch then Hercules is the man for the job. The hero was once famously challenged to clean the Augean stables. These stables held a thousand divine cattle and had not been cleared for 30 years, so the task was considered to be impossible. However, Hercules used his great strength to re-route two rivers to wash out the decades of filth. In N17 he would probably opt for diverting the course of the Moselle Brook (which flows into the River Lea) in order to clean out 138 years of sh*t.
7. Dr Jordan B. Peterson
The Canadian psychologist famous for helping to put thousands of young people on the straight-and-narrow by telling them to “first clean your room” would be just the man to help Tottenham deal with the deep psychoses which have built up at the club over many generations: delusions of grandeur; imposter syndrome; sibling rivalry; inferiority complex… Dr Peterson would have his work cut out.
8. Saint Jude
Jude was one of the Apostles of Jesus (not to be confused with Jesus’s betrayer, Judas Iscariot). He preached for many years after the crucifixion before himself being martyred in 65 AD. So why could he be the man for Tottenham? Well, Saint Jude is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes.
Have a pleasant weekend.
RockyLives
Arsenal News 24/7
arsenalarsenal.net 
Please excuse this dollop of silliness for a sunny weekend.
My team is being ruined because of ENIC and co.
I have supported Spurs 65yrs.
For Gods sake someone help us.These men are a nightmare.
The claim of silliness barely masks the reality behind a piece like this. The lengths that Arsenal types will go to in attempting to mitigate their feelings of emasculation that result from their team’s seemingly inexorable slide into mediocrity are a constant source of amazement to me. This example has the unmistakeable scent of relief – of temporary reprieve – that the Spuds have again, not quite taken the opportunity to rub Gooners’ noses in it.
David
Sounds like you’re going for the Hercules option, but flushing Joe Lewis away with all the rest!
Obviously we Arsenal fans enjoy having fun at your expense just as you do at our expense when we’re having a bad time (er, like now), but you have perfectly expressed the angst and pain of football fans everywhere.
Simon
Keep smiling mate.
It says a lot that despite the complete and utter shambles at Tottenham both during and after the season ended they still managed to finish above Arsenal again.
Tom
Relax – it’s just banter.
Although I could point out the following:
Spuds seasons since a trophy: 13
Arse seasons since a trophy: 1
A well thought out and considered piece, Rocky, which caught a few tiddlers at the beginning of your session.
But I think one should be aiming for whoppers. What about Jose Moaninho’s brother. He has fraternal experience of those who disobey Lee Child’s mantra “never go back”. He comes from Portugal so is/ was once able to come without quarantining. And his own brother knows him as the ” never won anything” One.
I am being a little mischievous is suggesting Mackenzie Crook for the top job in N17.
Mackenzie is an Arsenal fan, so it would mean having “one of ours” on the inside at “their” place. What could possibly go wrong?
Rocky
Cant we sell them some Chelski rejects – Willian- for instance, as well.
Pretty Hilarious. Brightened up my morning. If they can’t win with Harry Kane, Son and Bale, how the hell can they ever win. I know we’re kinda shite but this has been their golden chance and they’ve blown it spectacularly. All we managed to do when we had the best striker in the world was go unbeaten. They’ll not get a better manager than Poch IMHO. Levy is still the problem, have said it for years.
If Edu has been mucking around and not put any bid in for Buendia, he should be shot. Big mistake if true!
No one stupid enough to buy Willian unfortunately
Mike u and Aaron related right
Still don’t understand all the love for Buendia what am missing
Anyone totting him up actually seen him play
Saint Jude for Spurs
Fred 15 goals(more than most of our midfield put together) and more importantly 16 assists. We lost Aouar last year, excluded Ozil, bought Willian and then BOdegaard, who, didnt score goals and does not produce the final pass for Aubameyang….and we are losing him.
Either Kroenke is going to fund us or he is not.
And that jammy git Lamela gets goal of the season. Shame his Club are crap and never win anything of significance.
In the Champions lbg Norwich is the best team in the Champions there players must score handsomely
Pepe scored 19 goals when he came to us so buendia 15g 16 assist for the side that won really don’t impressive he could just be another pepe waiting to happen
If anyone remember I said willian were bad deal and odegard would be a a waste loan spell
Imo if we are to be a better side if we buying players buy players from Premier League who are actually good not the likes of Cedric willian luiz etc actually good players not players from inferior league who do good and figure dey will do the same for us cause we have a poor track record in recent years
I will take a willock development or a buendia purchase any day
Fred, you can chill, it looks as if Buendia is going to Villa.
Apparently he and emi Martinez are good friend haha
Fred
Hope you are right, but if Villa keep Grealish, which I think will happen, they will be improved by getting Buendia, IMO.
For all his personal problems, Gazza can still make you laugh.
Talking to McCoist about their respective careers and England under Southgate.
” Yep, I dont understand this about Gareth. I scored my penalty, and he missed his. I’m in rehab, and he is manager of England and got a £20,000 pizza advert!!”
Yea Buendia might make villa a better side but on paper man for man we have a better side except for GK our lol
Fred, now you are expressing a view!
Grealish, Watkins, Mings could all be in with a shout to argue with you, I’d say. And more importantly Villa have less dross and have played more confidently and collectively as a team this season.
Add your beloved Martinez AND Buendia and we will see next year!
Having nothing the read over my lunch I thought I would visit and would like to express thanks for an enjoyable and amusing read.
It is a shame that some people took it too seriously.
I might have suggested Jeremy Corbin, whose leadership qualities seem to be ideal, but, there again, he is one of us and would have great difficulty in relating to a team some of whose supporters are called by the Y word.
Thanks again.
Corbyn – great idea jj!
Fred
Wasnt sure if you were joking! Martinez and Buendia have same agent.
Background evidence suggests Edu thinks he can get BOdegaard back, either extension or buy and so less committed to Buendia. Shame! Although BOdegaard settled well.
Didn’t know it was same agent, was hearing dey were good friends
I actually heard matheus Pereira from West Bromwich was going to our next target after losing out on BuendiA,
Also heard about neves this morning hmm
Oh Fred, now you have to worry about J W-P going to Villa!! I will want my “Merci Arsene” shirt back if you become a Villa supporter mind!😉
Haha no way u getting that jersey back lol
Fred
Be clear, if you become a Villa Supporter I will hunt you down like a dog. You will not escape and will need to be looking over your shoulder as long as you walk the earth.😠
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LbG once bellerin doesn’t go villa then I shall not ever become a supporter but if he does both emi and bellerin in same team wow would be hard not to support especially since dey shall be winning the league