Moyes: I Said ‘No’ To Signing Bergkamp

What is going on?

First we read that David “Moisty” Moyes claims he could have signed Mesut Ozil this summer but didn’t need him.


I’m sorry, but that’s all I can say to that.


Moist felt he was so overrun with creative attacking options at ManUre that he did not need the world’s best assist maker. Not when he had Cleverley and Carrick.

Ahahahahaha. Oh my! Oh me!

Yes Moisty, we all believe you…

But the fun didn’t stop there

Next he told us that he “nearly” signed Aaron Ramsey when he was at Everton.

Young Ramsey (who in those days was merely The Welsh Parlour, not The Welsh Messi) was being heavily courted by Sir Apoplexy Ferguscum and our own fine manager at the time.

I’m sure in those circumstances – being chased by Europe’s biggest team and by an outfit from Manchester – that he did consider a possible move to Everton.

He would have considered it in this way:

Agent: “Aaron, Everton have come in for you.”

Aaron: “Hahahahaha! Oh me! Oh my!”

But what is hitherto unknown is that Moist’s talent spotting started way before these recent efforts.

In 1998, when he was managing Preston North End, he ran the measure over Dennis Bergkamp but decided he was “too blonde” and at the time he already had a lot of blonde players in his team.

Taking up the helm at Everton in 2002, he quickly thought about bringing in a young Cesc Fabregas from Barcelona, a whole year before Arsenal snapped him up.

“Aye, I looked at the lad,” said Moist “but he was too two-footed. I had half a team who played with their right foot and half who played with their left. What would I do with a lad who played with both? Where would he fit in? Bloody Spanish freak!”

Fast forward to 2011 and Moist was offered the services of one Santi Cazorla from Malaga.

“What do I want that bloody midget for?” he asked. “If I want a wee small fella I’ll get that fella from Game of Thrones. He’s a mean little fooker. Like David Batty only taller.

“In fact, better still, don’t bring me ANY midgets. Get me a giant beanpole with an afro. I don’t care whether he can play or not – we’ll save money on dusting the dressing room ceiling.”

I’m not sure whether Moist is trying to indulge in mind games before Sunday’s match between the league leaders and a mid table team at Old Toilet, but implying that Ozil and Ramsey could have signed for him is just pure fantasy.

I have seen a few pieces on the internet postulating what a First XI would be if it was made up of Arsenal and Manchester United players.

Most pundits have seven Arsenal players in their starting line-ups, with only De Gea, Shrek, Brave Sir Robin and football’s most odious man, Patrice Evra, making the cut for United.

When I look at the two teams I can say with hand on heart – and not as one of my habitual wind-up-the-enemy comments – that I would not take a single ManUre player into a combined First XI.

Of course Rooney is a good player and BSR is sublimely skilled, but neither complement a team in the way that our players complement our team.

De Gea is having a decent season but look how many he has let in compared with our outstanding Pole in Goal.

And as for Evra v Gibbs – well, Gibbs is as good as the Frenchman and the Frenchman loses automatically in a tie-break for being a humungous twunt.

What do you think? Would any ManUre players get in your combined XI?



79 Responses to Moyes: I Said ‘No’ To Signing Bergkamp

  1. Kgööner says:

    lucky rocky
    I guess your post got picked over daddy and Micky. had to be a jibe @ the manure. . fresh before Monday.

    my first XI would only have the Dutch C*NT from old toilet. surely would be on the bench for a late sub. otherwise, the rest of ’em can flush down the bowl. Evra vs Gibbs? Gibbs any day.
    Bring on Sunday!

  2. Kgööner says:

    lucky rocky
    I guess your post got picked over raddy and Micky.
    had to be a jibe @ the manure. . fresh before
    my first XI would only have the Dutch C*NT from old
    toilet. shrek surely would be on the bench for a late sub.
    otherwise, the rest of ‘em can flush down the bowl.
    Evra vs Gibbs? Gibbs any day.
    Bring on Sunday!

  3. Norfolk Gooner says:

    Good morning to you all, although there don’t seem to be too many AAers about this bright November day.

    Love the post Rocky, isn’t it great to be able to laugh at Manure? I bet you didn’t know that five years ago Moisty was going to offer the Everton assistant managers job to Arsene Wenger, but thought he was too French.

  4. GoonerMAC says:

    I reckon Rooney would have a shout in the first team but De Gea would only get in front of Fabianski, for me.

    Wouldn’t have RvP back even to clean the bogs. The little boy inside him wanted to piss off so I hope he stays pissed off for good.

  5. RA says:

    You are just a simply brilliant writer Rocky!!

    Sod the football element – good tho that is – I had tears in my eyes laughing at your humorous recanting of ‘Moists’ summing up of his transfer assessments over the past few years.

    It is slightly invidious to pick a favourite section, but the part mentioning the mental gymnastics Moist needed in assessing the merits or otherwise of signing Santi and deciding it was not necessary because if he wanted a midget he would get the wee small guy from ‘The Game of Thrones’ who was a mean little fooker, like David Batty, only taller.

    Absolutely priceless — like you. 🙂

  6. RA says:

    The only Manure player who could be considered for the Arsenal squad would be Rooney, Jones if he gets his form and confidence back, and possibly Hernandez.

  7. GunnerN5 says:


    I am in agreement with RA (nice to see you back, by the way) Rooney is a shoo in for any PL team, he is a superb all round player and when motivated is a game winner.

    Like always I’m extremely nervous about Sunday, United should never, ever, be underrated. They will want to use the game as a springboard to blow life back into their season. Any team with RVP and Rooney leading their attack has to be feared.

    It’s the sort of game that I will find very difficult to watch as it will cause my stress level goals off of the scale. Maybe a three goal lead at half time would help to calm me dawn.

    I’m looking forward to Newcastle starting the day off with a win over Spurs – if that happens and we also beat United then it really will be a week in November for us all to relish.

  8. RockyLives says:

    Firstly, apologies to BR and Micky 😦

    I posted this before reading all the comments yesterday. I would have been happy for Peaches to bin this and run your piece today.

    Peaches – if you want to run it Tuesday I can do a Tuesday for Wednesday piece next week…

    As to tomorrow – Gn5 I agree with you – this is not a game to be underestimated. I was quietly confident about the ‘Pool game last weekend but I am more nervous about tomorrow, perhaps because we have struggled so much up there in recent years.

    Finally, thanks Redders:)
    I had a nice few days in NY last week. I like that city more and more every time I visit.

  9. Big Raddy says:

    “we’ll save money on dusting the dressing room ceiling.”” Another cracking line from the Rockster.

    Moist also had a pre-contract agreement with TH14. Decided he already had a handy wingman in Andy Van de Meyde

  10. RA says:

    Hi GN5,

    Like you, I am always a bit nervous when visiting the Mancs and, in my case all the other ‘big’ clubs too.

    Of course that frisson of excitement and ‘terror’ which sends goosebump inducing tremors shuddering up and down my spine is what makes watching Arsenal football so fabulously exhilarating and addictive.

  11. Salami says:

    Rooney’s been built up by the media, he couldn’t trap a bag of cement.

  12. RA says:

    Hi Rocky,

    Noo Yoik is wonderful, not least for its panoply of colourful and charismatic denizens. 🙂

    Speaking of which, I went to Las Vegas recently to discuss a project and I soon realized that much tho I love visiting Vegas I could never live there. Despite the influx of people from all over the country swelling the population, it remains oddly parochial.

    Hope all is going well with you.
    However, I am sure of two things; first, that you are now working your socks off even more than you imagined, and second that you are loving it!! 🙂

  13. dhakka09 says:

    You Sir Rocky, are quite something. Plenty of thanks for filling my morning with quite chuckles and hearty howlers (I’m glad I wasn’t drinking morning coffee while reading this or I would’ve had terrible time keeping it off windpipe)

    On to the match, for the first time in many years, the level of banter from The United fans I know has stepped up a notch or two; we must be doing smthing right then 🙂 Let’s keep it up COYG

  14. RockyLives says:

    The thing that most impresses me about NY is how friendly people are, despite the city’s reputation for brusqueness.

  15. RockyLives says:

    You’re right about that – all the noise coming from the Mancs shows they are worried.

    To be honest we’ve been a pushover for them just recently. I’ll never forget the despair at seeing BSR a goal in the first few minutes of last year’s fixture (followed by Santos swapping shirts with BSR at half time).

  16. evönne says:

    very funny Rocky 🙂 I thought we were going to support Moyes, after all he is doing well at united. Let’s hope his career there is as fruitful as the first part of this season.

    What worries me is the fact that Peaches thinks your post is only good for today. Why? Does she think we will not win tomorrow and any jokes about Moyes won’t be funny anymore?

  17. jnyc says:

    Rocky youve got to tell me before u come to NY, we have to meet up and see a match if possible! You too RA.
    drinks on johnnie 😉

  18. RockyLives says:

    Cheers Johnnie
    I knew I’d be flying back during the BD game, unfortunately – but I’ll let you know next time I’m heading your way. Particularly if the trip coincides with a game!

  19. Norfolk Gooner says:

    The Chavs are losing at home to West Brom. 1 – 2

  20. evönne says:

    shhhhhh…I don’t want to spook it, but West Brom are winning at the Bridge shhhhh…..

    Tony McCoy rode a winner for 4000th time! Congratulations Tony! So proud of this Gooner

  21. evönne says:

    ssshhhhh Norfolk

  22. 26may1989 says:

    Chelsea have a pen in injury time

  23. 26may1989 says:

    Soft penalty call apparently.

    Scored, 2-2.

  24. evönne says:

    time for Ibsen, good night

  25. 26may1989 says:


  26. Norfolk Gooner says:

    B****r they’ve just equalised.

  27. Norfolk Gooner says:

    Sorry Evonne, I think we both put the mockers on West Brom. 😀

  28. Bayonne Jean says:

    Pitiful penalty decision from Marriner at the bridge…..

    That’s what’s worrying about tomorrow….

  29. RockyLives says:

    Ibsen 🙂

    At least it’s not Brecht Evonne 🙂

  30. RockyLives says:

    Any idea who’s reffing tomorrow?

  31. Shard says:

    I have been watching the chelsea-wba game. The referee gave chelsea an incorrect penalty at the end and they sure are getting lucky.

    But the game itself. If the arsenal-dortmund game was a harmony of classical and metal music, this was a cacophony of rap and dubstep. Such a poor standard of technique on display. But oddly enough it was quite entertaining. And chelsea really got outmuscled by west brom. We did well to get a draw against them. They are a good side.

  32. Bayonne Jean says:

    Rocky, it’s listed as Michael Oliver. He gave that somewhat dodgy handball pen to Spuds vs. Hull.

    Southampton now ahead of Chelsea, and looking very strong…..

  33. Gööner In Exile says:

    Norfolk thanks for your fine write up of the glorious week so far yesterday. And Rocky thank you for today’s rib tickling post.

    Shame Chavs mustered a dubious late equaliser at home, I’m sure it’ll be called Champions mentality, whereas our equaliser against WBA away was considered a bit more crack papering.

    As much as tomorrow bring nerves we also have the comfort of knowing whatever the result we will still be singing We Are Top of The League. If we can get a win we will be very happy campers.

  34. 26may1989 says:

    Annoying for Chelsea to eke out a point but the fact is they’ve dropped two points. Mourinho will need to give the cat a good kick.

    Liverpool are looking strong, albeit against an out of form Fulham.

  35. Gööner In Exile says:

    Agreed 26, 2 points dropped by Chavs means were 4 points ahead of them with a game in hand….who wouldn’t have taken that at the start of the season?

  36. 26may1989 says:

    OK, apologies if this appears on the page incorrectly, but I thought I’d share my mini league table for the seven sides that could make an argument they are going for the title or at least the top four places. (Apologies to Southampton.)

    P W D L F A GD Pts
    man city 3 2 0 1 8 4 +4 6
    arsenal 2 2 0 0 3 0 +3 6
    chelsea 4 1 2 1 3 3 0 5
    everton 3 1 1 1 2 3 -1 4
    liverpool 2 1 0 1 1 2 -1 3
    spurs 3 0 2 1 1 2 -1 2
    man utd 3 0 1 2 1 5 -4 1
  37. 26may1989 says:

    Yup, posting it completely mangled it, sorry.

  38. Gööner In Exile says:

    Reasons to be cheerful for the game tomorrow courtesy of the BBC:

    Victory would give Arsenal their highest ever points tally after 11 Premier League matches.

    Arsenal are the only Premier League club to have scored in every game this season.

    Prior to this weekend, only five players had assisted four or more Premier League goals this season – and three of them were Arsenal players (Olivier Giroud, Mesut Ozil and Aaron Ramsey).

    Ramsey has 11 goals in 17 league and cup games for Arsenal this term, and 13 in 21 for club and country.

    Arsene Wenger has registered 14 Premier League victories against Moyes – his highest tally against any manager.

  39. 26may1989 says:

    Thanks Beeb and Exile.

  40. Gööner In Exile says:

    And I sorted your mini league 😀

  41. Gööner In Exile says:

    Norwich are quite simply not playing for their manager this year. Surely no manager/coach says to their defence to clear their lines only as far as the edge of the area?!?

  42. Gööner In Exile says:

    Olivier has posted a tune he was listening to on twitter:

    Not sure it’s metal or orchestral

  43. 26may1989 says:

    I am obliged, Mr Exile. 🙂

  44. LB says:

    Love it.

    Reminds me of Ibiza.

  45. Gööner In Exile says:

    Very much so LB….

    Well bugger me Norwich have turned this round.

  46. 26may1989 says:

    On the subject of music (and I suggest Chary looks away now) I went to see Lisa Stansfield last night – storming performance and great fun.

  47. RockyLives says:

    Interesting Chavs result.

    Mind you, I thought WBA looked a really strong outfit against us. I reckon they’ll be above the Saints in May.

  48. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Ohhh Rocky Rocky

    Great and very funny post but, but, you are going to force me to say it: “I’d have Persie The Footballer in a heartbeat.”

    Now I feel all dirty 🙂

  49. MickyDidIt89 says:


    That’s a brilliant little table. To my mind, you could have put it up with the one word “Discuss” and have called it a post.

    I see no reason why the final top four wouldn’t contain Arsenal, City, Liverpool and ……

  50. MickyDidIt89 says:

    As for Utd tomorrow, has there ever been a time when we’ve gone to OT with less pressure on us?

  51. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Final thing, in case everyone has gone to watch xfactor

    Saw your question the other day. No, I didn’t see OMC in Dortmund, but I did see two of the gang at breakfast in our hotel on the last morning. We gave them a lift to the airport.

  52. RockyLives says:

    Ah… good to know Micky. I wasn’t sure if any of them were going, but it seemed an appealing trip.

  53. RockyLives says:

    Regarding Ramires’ dive to earn the Chavs a point, he has previous – and it’s against us:

  54. Bayonne JeanJ says:

    At Stamford Bridge, for the Armistice Day commemoration, It was inspiring to see the Chelsea Pensioners. Not Lampard and Terry — we mean the chaps in the long scarlet coats.

  55. neamman says:

    RVP of course and ..if he could regain his old form Vidic, but not on current form.
    Wouldn’t mind Hernandez as one of the subs

  56. 26may1989 says:

    The pundits are going on about Gerrard but from the highlights, it looks like Henderson played well today. Amazing really, given how poor he’s been before this season.

  57. 26may1989 says:

    Re Man U players, last season Rafael was excellent. Januzaj might only have a few games under his belt but he looks like a quality player.

    But based on current form, this would be my combined first XI:

    ————– Szczesny
    Sagna Mertesacker Koscielny Gibbs
    ————Arteta Ramsey
    ——-Rooney Ozil van Persie
    ————— Giroud

    Subs: de Gea, Monreal, Vermaelen, Flamini, Wilshere, Cazorla, Hernandez

  58. Big Raddy says:

    Chavs buying another ref. Marriner will be ecstatic driving his new Porsche home.

  59. 26may1989 says:

    From the look of him, Mourinho seems genuinely to believe it was a good call. Staggering.

  60. Sav from Australia says:

    Got to it late but a really nice post Rocky ahahaha

  61. Gööner In Exile says:

    That decision is criminal!

  62. Gööner In Exile says:

    And like Steve Bruce I guess Clarke will now get a fine for saying the truth and criticising the ref.

    Mourinho is an absolute cock.

    You could see Mourinho was raging about the tackle on Ivanovic before the WBA second goal as it happened, so it was no surprise that Mariner would try and level it up.

  63. evönne says:

    matter of time before Abramovitch sacks Maureen again

  64. Big Raddy says:

    The FA has a duty to stop this diving nonsense. Ramirez’s cheating could result in the Chavs winning the title or (unlikely) WBA getting relegated.

    What is his punishment? Zip. That his conniving manager supports him comes a s no surprise.

    I love football but this makes me sick and taints how I view it. And I feel the same when Arsenal players do it – Eboue had a tendency to collapse.

    It is left to the club to censor a player but why would they when they profit from his cheating?

  65. evönne says:

    I had just seen that ‘penalty’ – shocking decision from an experienced ref. Could the FA do anything about it post match?

  66. Gööner In Exile says:

    Raddy I think Ramires is difficult because I don’t actually see it as a clear dive.

    Looking for it yes, his legs are going too quickly he pushes the ball too far and almost falls as he is trying to go faster. It’s not an Ashley Young dive.

    But should we be surprised Chavs under Maureen look to the dark arts for their salvation? No. Ivanovic tried to throw himself on the floor when he was being pressured in the build up to the second goal. Thankfully Maureen looks far from happy, clearly this job was his second choice and I bet he is regretting going back in a career sense, he is being asked by the Rusdian to play attractive football, he doesn’t know how to do that with the players he has.

    And now the money they are paid can be matched by others, so if Hazard and Mata and the like want to play pretty football they will choose to do elsewhere.

  67. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Motning all.

    Hey Raddy,
    The Dortmund game was only being shown on Arsenal Iplayer as of last night. Just watched it.
    Those two blokes on the platform in front of their fans. One had a mic, the other a loudhailer. Camera zooms in on them at the beginning. Interesting concept I guess.

  68. Big Raddy says:

    GIE. I agree it wasn’t as blatant as Young but a dive nonetheless.

    Looking at the gif, he jumped sideways into the defender. It was calculated. What other reason was there for him to fall when the defender hadn’t even put pressure on him?

    You make a good point about Moaninho,

  69. LB says:

    Disgusting decision.

  70. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Right, off for what looks like a fairly pointless surfing expedition.

    Rubbish waves, but needs must. Desperate times. Been too long etc

    Hope to get back, freezing cold, to the BR PM.

  71. LB says:

    Suns out, hills to climb.

    Back later.

  72. Shard says:

    Good morning everyone.

    First off. Apologies to Rocky for not thanking him for his post yesterday. I was commenting from my phone and it isn’t the easiest thing to do, but no excuse. Sorry..and Thank you.. (That just leaves one of the 3 golden words 🙂 )

    It seems the discussion is all about the penalty this morning. For me, the worst thing is not that Chelsea won a point. I half expected it and thought a draw wouldn’t be an unfair result anyway. What made it annoying was that it had to come from a referee ‘error’. I hate games being decided by officials rather than the players. To me that isn’t sport. It happens so often in the Premier League, and often following patterns enough to make it predictable. It’s just not right. Most sporting leagues in the world wouldn’t tolerate such blatantly wrong decisions defining games and seasons. In England, it isn’t even an issue among the media. And it’s not like it’s a small matter. There are tens of millions of pounds, if not hundreds, riding on a fair outcome.

  73. Shard says:


    Regarding your very astute point about Mourinho, it just occurred to me, the part about no longer being able to outspend everyone else. That’s precisely what happened to Manchester United after 2003. With Arsenal’s Invincibles dominant and us planning a new stadium (and future increased revenues) and Chelsea outspending everyone else, ManU and Ferguson no longer had the pick of the players. Ferguson himself had come close to the sack in 2005. In my view, the support from the referees for ManU really picked up in that sort of timeframe (I first realised it in 2008) Maybe Chelsea and Mourinho are going to go the same way.

  74. evönne says:

    nice and crispy morning, off to the woods, l8r

  75. chas says:

    Cheers, Rocky. Brilliant post.
    I’ve only just read it and it made me laugh. 😆

  76. Räsp says:

    Morning all …..

    …. New post …..

  77. Moyes wouldn,t even consider Ozil he has Rooney Ozil is a second striker pushed wide in a 451 at Real and now most of the time at Arsenal Man U play a 442

  78. marz says:

    go fuck yo mummys hairky old smelly pussy.

  79. Zubeir says:

    We must win this ManUsless

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