Arsenal Midfield Genius Desperate for Hometown Return

After many months of speculation which has stirred up so much animosity amongst the Arsenal faithful, it finally looks as though this summer’s biggest transfer saga will not be settled until 2010 at the earliest.

In a statement that seemed to confirm how desperate he is to return to his hometown club, Jack Wilshere said: “It is what I have been dreaming of since I was a little kid, and that was weeks ago. In my heart I want to play for Stevenage Borough. Borough are in my DNA. They are also on my lunchbox. And my pencil case.”

Arsene Wenger was said to be saddened at the not unexpected statement: “There is very little we can do when a player has a desire like this. But I believe that we should expect a fair price for Jack, and that will not happen this year because of Borough’s finances. They may be champions, but they are not rich like me.”

This was taken to be a reference to the ten of thousands of pounds that Stevenage are having to invest in new CCTV cameras at their ground this summer in order to meet minimum Football League arrest quotas.

Meanwhile, in a stunt that was obviously intended to drive a wedge between the player and the Arsenal fans, Wilshere was grabbed from behind by a number of Stevenage Borough footballers during a live charity radio broadcast and was forced to dress up like a chav – the official Stevenage uniform.

One of the Stevenage players said: “It was all a big joke. Little Jackie loved it. We all know that he wants to play his football in our magnificent stadium with our magnificent fans, all within walking distance of North Hertfordshire’s biggest Primark.”

Stevenage’s other sporting genius, Lewis Hamilton, said: “This would be fantastic for Stevenage, and Stevenage deserves it. It such a fantastic, happy place to live, which is why I moved to Switzerland as soon as I got some money.”

Jack Wilshere is 14½

Written by mjc

This is just a bit of fun for a Sunday morning, we’re still around to debate serious Arsenal issues like our lack of defensive cover and whether Arsene Wenger is going to spend any more money in this transfer window.

73 Responses to Arsenal Midfield Genius Desperate for Hometown Return

  1. Morning all

    This is just a bit of fun for a Sunday – something to make us smile.

    We can still continue to debate serious matters like our lack of defensive cover and no doubt we will.

    Thanks mjc for putting a smile on my face this morning.

  2. ugandan goon says:

    when he gets his chance this season i think we will boo him!

  3. PETE says:

    Great article !!!!!

  4. DaveDaver says:

    I’m waiting for ashley young to make a similar statement….

  5. Gooner64 says:

    Hahaha very good.

  6. Kev-G-Man says:

    One of the best yet, I hope those scum in spain see it, “love it, live it, av it.

  7. Kipmonster says:

    I propose that Arsenal fans World wide post letters once a week for the next four weeks to UEFA & FIFA complaining about Barcelona FC’s ‘tapping up’ of Cesc Fabregas. Also post a letter just once to Arsenal FC requesting that they formally complain to UEFA & FIFA. I have drawn up 3 template letters that I will email to willing participants. All you need to do is type in your own Name & Address before printing off & posting. Momentum will be boosted by you forwarding the email to every one of your Arsenal FC fan family & friends, encouraging them to participate.
    The aim of repetitive letters is to create an Admin headache for UEFA & FIFA with thousands of letters received from all over the world & display the strength of feeling from Arsenal FC fans. The purpose of the single letter to Arsenal FC is again to display the strength of feeling from us fans.
    My email address for this campaign from where I will email you the letter templates is ……..

  8. Rasp says:

    Great post mjc, that’s hilarious,

    I hope Cesc reads it! I’m pleased li’l Jack wants to fight for his place in the side this season, Cesc was a first team regular at 18.

    I’d love to know how Cesc feels about his Barca mates (Iniesta is the latest) who keep coming out with stories which reportedly speak for him – I wouldn’t expect my mates to keep opening their gobs to the world about my personal business.

  9. Gooner says:

    Wilshere is a Gooner…

  10. Rasp says:

    Hi Gooner and welcome,

    Obviously we know that Jack’s a gooner, the ‘parody’ was intended to show how ludicrous the whole Cesc situation is – including the hysterical reaction of some Arsenal fans to the rubbish that has been reported in the press.

  11. London says:

    If Wilshire wants to return to Stevenage he can fuck off, and if he stays, we should boo him every time he touches the ball. Wenker should fuck off as well, this just shows what I have been banging on about for ages that Project Youth has failed, Wenker has got money to spend why doesn’t he spend some of it and buy some gooder players.

  12. London – go for it 😆

  13. Mayank says:

    Great satire mjc, and hilarious comment London!

  14. Rasp says:

    London, perrrappps you should F*&% off and support totnum 😆

  15. GunnerN5 says:

    London: You need to clear your head and wash your mouth out!!

  16. Wow GunnerN5 – you’re up early – nice to see you, hope your family are doing ok

  17. London says:

    I ain’t no spud, right, i suported arsenal for two years now, Wilshire is an ungrateful runt.

  18. barumgooner says:

    Haha. Very funny mjc and you too London.

  19. GunnerN5 says:

    mjc; Nice piece by the way, either london is having us on or has no sense of humor.

  20. GunnerN5 says:

    peaches: I’m usually up between 4:30 and 5:00 am.

  21. I’ve just seen that Iniesta says that Cesc is going to stay for one more year but I won’t believe it until ‘arry says it – come on ‘arry make my day 🙂

  22. GunnerN5 – don’t worry about Mr London he has Arsenal coursing through his veins 😉

  23. GunnerN5 says:

    I’d like to believe the Iniesta piece but it’s simply just another unsupported newspaper article.

  24. GunnerN5 says:

    peaches he may have Arsenal coursing through his veins – but he seems to have taken the wrong course??

  25. No he’s just having bit of fun, don’t worry 😉

  26. rae brigden says:


  27. Rasp says:

    Haha rae,

    Thanks for joining in the spirit of the post …. and good luck to Stevenage next season – what a shame you have to be connected with totnum 😦

  28. rae brigden says:


  29. mjc says:

    Thanks for appreciating the posts and I much enjoyed the comments especially London’s.
    BTW I am also a Borough fan, having been born and raised in the fine town of St. Evenage….

  30. kelsey says:

    Morning all,

    I wrote an e mail to Arsenalnewsnet about 3 hours ago telling them how sociable we were, hardly ever swear and always greet new posters with respect, and thanking them for featuring us. shite..Good timing on my behalf 😉

    Oh well, never mind 🙂

  31. dandan says:

    It has just been announced that London has changed his name to Stevenage as no gooners are welcome in his borough. Jack Willshie said “blooming hell this place will soon be as bad as the Emirates if all these lardy dah season ticket olders start following me.
    Bet e will be dancing down at the Mecca soon, tell im to keep out of the Longboat though thats not for JKL’s”

  32. kelsey says:


    Oxford or Cambridge 😉

  33. GOONER23 says:


  34. kelsey says:

    Nice slant there mjc.

  35. mjc says:

    I think you mean The Longship.
    And it closed about 20 years ago!

  36. Rasp says:

    Hi kelsey,

    Even Shakespeare wasn’t above a bit of foul language, hopefully your friends at Arsenal Newsnet will understand ‘educated irony’

  37. mjc says:

    As I often say when asked, I grew up supporting Arsenal over Stevenage because, when I was a lad, Stevenage were so bad that my Dad played for them! (That was back when they were Stevenage Town)

  38. dandan says:

    LOL am not surprised mjc they used to be a Sat night haunt of mine 45 years ago, we drove over from Sawbridgeworth.

  39. mjc says:

    That’s a while ago – The Mecca disppeared in 1976 if I remember correctly. It’s now a bingo hall.

  40. Rasp says:

    mjc & dandan,

    I live equidistant between Sawbridgeworth and Stevenage …. small world!

  41. dandan says:

    mjc…Good article by the way, enjoyed the read.

  42. Rasp says:

    We’ve had a couple of hundred hits from this scandinavian (I think?) site, although I’m not sure why?

  43. I’m looking for 2 tickets for the Emirates Cup on Saturday – please email the site if you know of any.


  44. gnarleygeorge9 says:

    Wow Stevenage! My only experience with Stevenage was getting on the wrong train heading home to Palmers Green, but found myself on the fast train to Cambridge. Luckily it did stop @ Stevenage so it was up the stairs, over the walk way & back down the other side to get the south bound home. Little did I know that this would be the town that would be the cause of so much anger for Gooners all these years later 🙂

    Good article mjc 😛

  45. Hi gnarley – I’ve done that too 😉

    AS you’re familiar with that line – if you ever come back – as the train pulls out of Finsbury Park going towards Drayton Park the Emirates rises out of the ground – looks amazing. Also when you stand on the platform at Finsbury park you can see the Emirates.

    Gnarley is in Australia for anyone who thinks I’m teaching him to suck eggs.

  46. Team Spirit says:

    i enjoyed reading that. LOL

  47. barumgooner says:

    I was reading the NOTW just now and there was a big thing about all the players Manciti are going to get rid of in the next month or so (possibly ,maybe,alledgedly anyway).
    Two of the names were DeJong and Richards, now that must be worth 16m of anyones money, add Jagielka or Mertesacker to that and I will be very happy.

    Sorry dreaming again !

  48. Rasp says:

    Hi barumg,

    Would your name have anything to do with a certain west country brewery by any chance? 😉

  49. barumgooner says:

    Hello Rasp. Kindof, its a shortened version of Barstaple where i live.

  50. RockyLives says:

    Funny piece mjc and thanks for the big laugh London.

    Any substance to this Akinfeev talk d’you think?

  51. Rasp says:

    Hi Rocky,

    I think there is no chance. I am formulating a ‘theory’ as to why I think that we never had any intention of spending much money, but I don’t want to go into any detail as I hope to make it into a post.

  52. ArseChicago says:

    OMG, we’re totally getting Akinfeev and Jagielka and Ozil!!!!

    Funny writeup, mjc. My favorite part?

    Borough are in my DNA. They are also on my lunchbox. And my pencil case.

  53. Rasp says:

    Hi ArseChicago,

    I see you’ve joined in with the fantasy 😛

  54. irishgunner says:

    I’m going boo him through my tv set.

  55. ArseChicago says:

    Anyone want to go to the Manchester City garage sale? Twelve players. Everyone must go!

  56. irishgunner says:

    I’d take either of their Keepers, Hart or Given would suit me just fine.

  57. ArseChicago says:

    It’ll be funny to see Mancini whining about how every club knows they’re forced to sell and trying to buy their players for crazy low fees. Not that the owners care one bit about how much money they lose. Arsene obviously likes himself a bargain and maybe he’d demand the sale of Given if he were to buy someone else like DeJong and/or Bellamy.

  58. Rasp says:

    Looks like they are going to hang on to Lazybarndoor?

  59. RockyLives says:

    What’s Stevenage’s ‘keeper like?
    Maybe we could do a swap for Little Jack/

  60. ArseChicago says:

    I guess until they officially sign Balotelli. Talk about the head cases at forward. That’ll be hilarious to see all the infighting there.

  61. irishgunner says:

    I think they wanted Ibrahimovich but he was too pricey so they stuck with Barndoor for now.

  62. RockyLives says:

    Barndoor will be a poisonous influence up there this season if he’s not a first choice striker.

  63. Ha ha thats going to be fun to watch – Mr Imsofantasticdoor sat on the bench 🙂

  64. shinyice23 says:

    Great article.

    Check out my article on Fabregas at

  65. Fatgingergooner says:

    Just woke up in a sweat and had the strangest of thoughts. What if Wenger is signing Jagielka as the next Arsenal number 1, rather than the defensive cover we need!!!!! after all, he did play in goals about 20 times for Sheffield Utd, one of which was a top class performance against us if my mind serves me right.

    We all know that Wenger loves to thoroughly scout his future signings, and the fact that Jagielka only got the chance to play in goal now again may be the reason that it has taken so long for us to finally put a bid in!!!!!!!

    Jagielka in the number 1 shirt????? No worse than reading that Ozil is a £10m target for us and United………..he’s worth at least £30m!!!

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  67. […] Arsenal Midfield Genius Desperate for Hometown Return After many months of speculation which has stirred up so much animosity amongst the Arsenal faithful, it finally […] […]

  68. kelsey says:

    Morning all,

    Just a little snippet of some real information which is not a rumour.

    Ben had a few drinks with Clint Dempsey last night, they have been friends for a while, as you are aware as Dempsey played in the World Cup,he has additional time off while Fulham are away on a pre season tour.

    He has a very deep personal relationship with Roy Hodgeson, and they have been in daily contact since Hodgeson took over at Liverpool.Hodgeson is already having second thought about taking the job as he has quickly realised that it is a far bigger job and club than he anticipated .

    For the moment it appears someone will be promoted from within the club at Fulham as caretaker manager, as basically no one can be found that is suitable, and that may have a baring as to Schwarzer joining us.Schwarzer definitely wants the move, but it is more than likely that it won’t happen.

    That scenario could well leave us with the present set up, but perhaps our keepers will be rotated, which to me is by no means a perfect solution, and is certain to cause unrest with Almunia, and Wenger obviously knows this, so perhaps he is either going with what we have or someone else is on the radar.

    I only mention this, as to most of us,the keeper situation is of prime importance for this coming season, and time is running out.

  69. Morning kelsey – its good to have spies out there isn’t it 😉

  70. Great comment from ffg @ 11.31pm – Jagielka as our new no 1

  71. Rasp says:

    New post …..

  72. SharkeySure says:

    Mjc – brilliant
    Ditto London

  73. VashObmen says:

    The suffering and pain are always obligatory for wide consciousness and deep heart

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