Saturday found me, not unusually, afloat in the Atlantic. Yip, once again feet towards the Eastern Seaboard, and yip, once again my mind settled down to resolving the key issues of the day. Again Arsenal stuff, and in particular, winning the League. We finished a few points behind the eventual winners last term, and I wondered why. Sadly, this was not a soothing and relaxing meditation (and nothing to do with the Portugese Men’o’War in our waters), as I was forced to confront the one single obstacle on our route to the Title. The Bus.
Dealing with this terrible scenario is not a new topic on this site, but it remains an unresolved issue. Today Lads, we need to put the full weight of our cumulative thinking power together.
Naturally I have unearthed a couple of more unusual solutions, although a powerful case could be found to support them as serious contenders.
1. The Pyrrhic Victory.
The biggest problem is how to create some space. How to draw the little snakes out. Right, let’s say we kick off. The brilliant simplicity is that we do very little. Step one is to hoof the ball high and long towards their keeper. Whilst the ball is still in flight, we retreat, en masse, to the edge of our box and there we stay. At this point, the opposition are in possession and will have no option but to open the depot doors and ease the bus gently forwards.
In the unlikely event that they abandon altogether their beastly tactic, we could begin the process of reconciliation by implementing The Semi-Pyrrhic. Some may leap to the conclusion that this involves adopting The Maureen and depositing a lone centre forward up field. I suggest leaving two speed merchants “up”. Not together central, but each stationed chalk-on-boots wide.
Leaving Theo and Ox up-and-wide will cause panic and confusion. Pointless for them to leave their tried and tested central defensive oafs behind, as they will require the speed of their full backs to counter the lightening threat. Brilliant, leaving two up, now requires them leaving four behind, thus creating more space for us.
2. The Assault.
The Assault reveals the more ruthless and less tolerant side of me. It assumes that The Pyrrhic has failed, and our Northeners have looked into the distance from within the Depot, and said: “No. We shall not advance. We care not for the win bonus. We shall be happy here for the afternoon”. This attitude would leave me no option than to call up Plan 2, The Assault.
Now picture this. For the moment you are Michael Caine. There is a large locked door in front of you, behind which lurks many large gold bars, and you have no key. What d’ya do? That’s it, blow the bloody things open.
Ok, with that in mind, here’s my Plan. We position our forces in and around the Northerner’s already packed penalty area. With two exceptions. Our hardest kickers. Verm and Pod. These two are stationed 10 yards back from their area and 10 yards apart. The advanced forces do not try and football their way through, or around, the Busmen. No. They pass back, every single time, to an already up to speed advancing kicker who rifles the ball, full power howitzer strength bollock height into the area. The casualty rate will be high. Yes corners will be won and goal kicks awarded as the ball cannons off and ricochets around Northeners. There shall be much blood and chaos but the bombardment must be continuous until no Drivers stand. We then freely add +’s to Rasp’s GD Widget.
These are my two solutions, and although yours will not be so clever, I’d love to hear them.
Apologies in advance to SilentStan and Buddhist Steve. This was not written with you in mind.
Written by MickyDidIt
Arsenal News 24/7
arsenalarsenal.net 
Micky. You are the Sun Tzu of football tactics. I need to think on’t and report back……
brilliant!!
How about a presentation to the northern team’s manager immediately prior to kick off of a …..Bus Conducters Uniform?
Haha Micky, very entertaining and as usual a serious poiunt underlies the humour.
Finding a way of getting past the bus has been a problem in recent years. Our strategy of slowly compressing play in the opposition’s half usually fails and leaves us open to being hit on the counter.
Tactically inviting teams to come onto us may be the answer, but it must be achieved without making our own defence vulnerable. But most of all we need to pass the ball forward through midfield more swiftly when the opposition’s attacking play breaks down – and this we did to great effect for the Pod’s goal against pool.
Good stuff Mdi89 – like it altough as you probably know on Saturday we will be the Northerners.
I suppose now I shoud greet you with “Hello sailor” ?
Does that mean we get to park the bus ?
It seems that Robin Van Judas’ injury is not that severe, omnly a small bruise. With any luck it’ll turn into an embolism. 🙂
Haha, Micky.
I like both the Pyrrhic and the bollock high howitzers. Both are worth a punt.
Perhaps the key is variety. Passing backwards and forwards in a ‘D’ shape around the front corners of the bus is never going to work.
The Chambery slingshot now gives us another option for storming the top deck and the Artful Cazorla, master pick-pocket and locksmith, a way of bypassing the conductor.
Brilliant, creative post Micky. Nobody does these better than you! 🙂
I like your suggestions and I bet they would work. I suggest we all sing the ‘wheels on the bus song’; including the players who act the song out. The opposition would feel so pathetic they would start playing football again.
Other than that, get into the box as much as possible and dive for penalties like the Chavs and Mancs do. Easy.
How about Arsene dresses as Blakey from On the Buses?
The wheels on the bus are stuck in the mud/ stuck in the mud/ stuck in the mud/ the wheels on the bus are stuck in the mud all game long.
Morning all, well done Micky…two elegant solutions to an age-old problem!
Mine would be the classic, Ali-esque “rope-a-dope”, breaking forward early but giving away the ball, falling over, fighting amongst ourselves and generally looking like a team in disarray, encouraging the Stokes of the world to move further & further forward before BAM…snapping back to our fluent best and hammering them on the break…
What..? It could work…it…probably wouldn’t…
NG 😆
Great post, loving the Exocet-missile balls-high approach greatly! Make them pay the price for their anti-football! (though orcs are more than likely impervious to pain)
Great post MDI
The bus business depresses me, it became an everyday affair at the emirates, but you could always console yourself that the next away day would be an open game. But no, Stoke are doing it at home now….. Its not rocket science why we played so well at Lolopool.
Anyway the secret to the bus is…. getting the early goal, something we used to do, but over the past season or so its been more difficult due to our lack of creative personnel.
With cazorla we have hope, but we must keep this new defensive discipline and not go gungho.
Its a balancing act for sure.
Dark in moderation. Let me out. I actually have something moderately sensible to say.
Micky,
‘feet to the Eastern Seaboard’
Does this mean facing away from the coast? Floating like this always freaks me out. I have to keep checking back to see if the land is still there.
Can’t get comments out. Bollocks.Is it just me?
Sorry, comments not appearing without changing all log in stuff everytime.
Micky,
Why not comment rather than comment about not being able to comment? 🙂
When I saw this, you sprang to mind.
Nice.
I must admit I have considered the Pyrrhic style play before, mostly when discussing ‘tippy-tappy’ and when all 11 men are back with the ball, there is nothing you can do BUT try to retain possession and look for a gap, unless you just hand them the ball back, like a sneaky bastard.
Full on assault is the only way, would be interesting to hear all the pragmatists suddenly spouting off about how it isn’t in ‘the spirit of the game’ to play bodyline football, you’re happy with justifying any legal style as acceptable? Meet my ball with your…erm…
Micky. You have it Sussed. Don’t forget the wipers go swish,swish,swish. This will be done on the edge of the garage doors (18 yard line).
We would ping the ball sideways between Gerv and Ox, and eventually they will either get fatigued or giddy and fall over, SIMPLES.
Thanks for the post Micky, i have to be quick, ime in a Tax lecture.
Utd have the most effecient system for breaking down the bus. They use the full width of the pitch, get crosses in and 3 or 4 of there players line up on the six yard line waiting for the deleviery.
The soloution for proper football teams like us and Barca that go through the middle is quality of player. its not always going to work, look at Barca v Chelsea, but overall it will win you trophies
funny enough, Arsene did say that stoke and sunderland gave away the least possesion behind there midfield (last season) so they are masters of the bus, the negative twats.
Oh, tax effecient capital allowances, bye everyone
“The casualty rate will be high”.
LMAO.
Thank you Micky
The solution…………………Norks !. Both the Clock End and North Bank lower tiers will be filled with women only, so which ever end Stoke are defending, the goonerettes will unveil their Norks. Whilst the Orcs oogle the Norks, we take advantage, sorted !. Of course, our players will be fitted with anti-Nork contact lenses. I advise going to the toilets before the match starts as there could be a big rush at half time, which could lead to blindness. These games will become Cat X games, so start saving!.
I most look forward to singing ” We`re the Nork Bank, we`re the Nork Bank, we`re the Nork Bank, Emirates “.
PS
If we play a shirtlifter team that parks the bus, well, I`m sure you can use your imagination, so that I dont have to write it all out again !. 😆
Oh, and Micky, I have to disagree, mine is a bit more than just cleverer, it is a must !.
OK then , lets put it to a vote !. 😆
PS
Stretch has already said I can borrow one of his Joan Collins syrups and shoulder pads for when we get in the Nork Bank, as AA will need an in depth match report !.
A really good article. A subject that is always on my mind.
Two points if I may 1. I think the only way other than those outlined in the post of course is by us playing with fast passing through midfield with power. Also point 2. I can not get my head around teams still parking the bus against us. I know our team looks promising but its not the same as when we had all our star players. Teams still set up against us as if we have henry bergy vieira fab gilberto pies etc etc etc. What I guess I’m saying is maybe if thay had a go at us they may get something out of the game. Not that I want them too but it would make for more interesting games
It`s so obvious why it`s so quiet on here since my brilliant idea, your all around Stretches gaff, going through his Joan Collins wardrobe. What a sneaky lot you are !.
Unbelievable !………..John Terry is around Stretches house !.
There is also the truth about Hillsborough coming out today and it is very sobering reading…..
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/liverpool/9538079/Hillsborough-report-reveals-South-Yorkshire-Police-made-strenuous-efforts-to-deflect-blame-on-to-Liverpool-fans.html
With Giroud admitting to freezing up for Arsenal and being booed off for France last night, will we end up with Chamakh Mk 2 ?. I dont think so, personally, I think he has got so much more to his game than Chammy, the quicker he gets that first goal though, the better.
Hi glic, you are spot on. Giroud will not become Cham2 (or even Sham69) because he has contributed greatly and significantly to the games we have already played.
His all round game will create space for other players and tie up defeneders in a way that Chamakh can’t.
Hi Rasp
I agree, he is a vital cog in this ” new work ethic Arsenal team “, he has a presence that Chammy lacks !.
[…] article: Beating the Bus ← Drogba would be worth a punt | Robin Van Persie injured | Arsenal’s options outside […]
Micky a couple of eons back you suggested housing actual cannons behind each goal to set an atmosphere at the Ems. Can we use those cannons to fire artillery into the massing bus? Might make a few divots in the playing surface but should clear the way a bit.
We have been improving incrementally over the first 3 games. If S’ton do not bring their bus they will get hammered.
The Assault will surely be put to use.
Whenever someone mentions having cannons firing at the Grove I always think of the closing moments of AC-DC’s For those about to rock (we salute you).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCAMZySxe7U
Micky, 🙂
Cunningly machiavellian scheme, clearly devised as an Orc repellent, and shows a certain tactical cunning befitting those truculent Northerners. 🙂 [not sure whether the noun ‘cunning’ is akin to the verb ‘cunning lingus’ — Glic has me confused] 🙂
You asked to hear other ideas and so I have carefully reviewed the rules of the game and come up with a wheeze exhibiting seriously low cunning (that word again – hope Peacheses mum isn’t reading) – anyway, I proudly present my splendid wheeze for your delectation.
Handball is clearly a ‘no, no’. Fact!
But with our fulsomely skillful players, there appears to be a chink in them thar FA regulations, where hand ball is not a factor. Fact!
The Scheme:
We select a number of fast, brave, albeit stupid players and convince them to put a basketball type net on their backs, with the hole in the bottom sewn up. {bottom of the net – obviously}.
Our aforesaid skilled midgets will simply chip the ball into the aforementioned nets on the backs of our brave dopeys, who will whizz off at a great pace towards the oppos goal net dodging the ‘men beasts’!
Think ‘basket ball net meets goal net’ and you will have cracked it.
Of course, there will be casualties, the Orcs will lay about them furiously, claiming to be trying for the ball, but really aiming for the asses of our brave heroes, but what’s a few broken legs if it means we get rid of some of our fast but rubbish players while scoring glorious and necessary goals to win?
I know the above is a fragrantly subtle tactical nuance, but I did visit Devon once, and the fishy aroma pervading the atmosphere obviously did my analytical nous the power of good. 🙂
Sound good? 🙂
Now – who do we convince to be a kamikaze pilot? 🙂
Kamikaze qualities = head down, flies into obstacles, no regard for others around him, no need for teamwork
Hmm who could that be?
Clue: Both that spring to mind have big enough heads for the bandana. One metaphorical one literally.
Micky – what can I say? Sheer strategic genius, step aside Ghengis Khan 🙂
Second option for me – attack, attack, attack, long balls, high rockets, I don’t care, but please not ‘we must be patient, our chances will come’, because they often don’t.
Is there any evidence to suggest that S’hampton are bringing a bus with them?
Southhampton wont bring the bus, they spent all of last season attacking and have not had a chance to adjust yet, and what I mean by adjust is turn into Sunderland or Stoke etc.
I expect Southampton to have a go at us, I also expect Arsenal to win but I do not expect us to thrash them.
Ramsey in for Diaby probably but that should be alright.
Great fun post micky.
Southampton will be fighting for their lives. They’re bottom of the league with zero points and threw away leads against city and manu – this will not be an easy game. It wouldn’t be surprise if we conceded the first goal(s) of our campaign.
bring it on then, should be fun
I think I’m back and logged in.
Thanks all for entering into the spirit of things.
Many great comments, but Glic’s regarding Giroud really caught my eye.
Freezing up and booed off eh?
I am not sure I have ever wanted an individual Arsenal player to score more than I do for Ollie on saturday (and nothing to do with bets). I’m sure the crowd will really lift him.
AND I’m back in me pink cat suit 🙂
You look good in pink Micky, but I prefer my Doggy style !. 🙂
Oh and Muttley wants his medal for best idea !. gimmee gimmee gimmee yeah yeah yeah yeah !.
Errr, now let’s think, who was it who first mentioned Mutley on here a few weeks ago?
Was it Glic……..no…..ummmm…..?
Glic,
Still only three individual ticks on exchange. Where are all the quitting LeGrover’s when you need them?
Arsenal have kicked off ( 6pm ) in the NextGen Series away to Olympiacos. I think Stretch is there doing a Tax Lecture, maybe he can give us some report……..that will be on the game, not the Greek economy !. If not , you can catch the live tweets on Arsenal.com.
Watched a few games of the youngsters this season, my pick of the bunch so far…and will soon be challenging Jenks….
Hector Bellerin.
Huge workrate…good quality…
I like snippets of information like that.
Thanks Rhyle I will keep an eye out for him.
Now, now Micky, Mutley was a hero of mine before you were a floater in that Atlantic swimming pool !
Sassanfrassumrassum !.
I`d wait for Friday Micky, the Coventry game will be on General sale and be as cheap as chips !.
Coventry is £10 lower tier. I just bought 3
that’d be £30 Michael
Fine work Micky
Might I also humbly suggest:
The Zulu Impi: “Attack like the horns of the buffalo.” Instead of having our wide men start the attack, we send the rest of our outfield players forward in one heaving mass (the body of the buffalo). Then, when the Orcs are distracted and dismayed by this, our wingers sprint down the outside, round the back of the Orc bus and pop the ball in the net (the horns of the buffalo).
The Marshal Foch:
Similar to Rhyle’s “Rope-a-Dope” – we play very badly, making us appear to be all over the place and vulnerable so the Orcs can’t resist attacking. At that point we remember the words of the French WW1 general, Marshal Foch: “My centre is giving way, my right is retreating, situation excellent, I am attacking.” We surge through the middle with brilliant, one-touch play and have the ball in the back of the net while the Orcs are still standing in our end of the pitch scratching their nadgers and saying “Where evvybody go? Me no like!”
The Matador
We rely on our tiny Spanish maestro, Santi Cazorla, to pierce the bull-like hide of the Orc bus. Instead of tika taka-ing our way backwards and forwards in front of the Orc defence, our Matador invites them to lumber towards him then neatly sidesteps and delivers the death thrust (a killer pass or a goal-bound shot).
The Legolas
Instead of trying to run ROUND the Orc defenders, our fastest players – Theo, Gerv and the Ox – run OVER them, just like Legolas does with the giant. lumbering Oliphaunt in Lord of the Rings. We may have to fire a few arrows into the Orcs first to act as hand and foot holds, but that’s OK.
Total
“Wheels on the Bus” 🙂
I would genuinely love it if 30,000 people started singing that when the defence-at-all-costs teams come to the Ems.
Where`s chas, there`s a vid on Talksport, ” AVB pitches Spud project on Dragons Den ” !. 😆
http://www.coolsport.tv/stream4.php
next gen
Thanks gm ands it`s good of Stretch to take time out from his Tax Lecture to commentate !.
Rocky,
That’s not entering into the spirit of things, that’s out DidIting The DidIt!
Brilliant 🙂
Just a quickie from me as i’m still working, but i am listening to Fighting Talk and this little snippet of information was revealed.
This is a little snippet of another article:
Joel Bats has no doubts Lloris will prove his quality in England.
The Lyon coach told L’Equipe: “He is one of the best three goalkeepers in the world. Hugo could play against any player in any league.
“Now, if he can help Tottenham to the next level, it could be a springboard towards a bigger club.“
ROFL
Micky, this is actually one of the most important posts really. Because our success or failure against the bus is going to determine how far this team can go this season, and in the future. We need to find a way to defeat this so called strategy.
What’s this I hear about Mr Wenger is after getting Drogba to replace RvP?
Johnnie,
No-one has ever said that about one of my posts.
You’re nice but completely potty 🙂
Right, into the nosebag. Goodnight.
I love the idea of players slamming the ball into the penalty area and seeing how many of the opposition they can damage.
I fear those predicting a tough Saturday could be right but BR expects a victory.
So Bellerin sent off – harshly – and I stand by my earlier endorsement!
Sorry to rain on the parade but the real issue about the parked bus strategy is definitely NOT that the opponents pack the area but rather that our strikers fail to hit the vulnerable areas of their goal. AFC have never had difficulty breaking through the parked and static defenses they confront BUT they DO have difficulty hitting the target, and I don’t mean the keeper or the posts.
Henry had and still has a phenomenal ability to target the lower right or left=hand corners of the goal and to shoot so precisely that he rarely, when in a shooting position, missed. Messi and Ronaldo have exactly the same skills as did RVP.
I feel that Ciroud will soon show the same talent as will Gervinho and Podolski. The guy I really expect to see banging them in is Cazorla, whose precision free kicks and accurate shooting were demonstrated against Liverpool. IF Walcott had that degree of precision he’d be scoring 20-25 goals a season!
Since I began following AFC I have noticed this profligacy and lack of precision finishing more than nay other lacunae our lads display.
Weedonald. I love to learn from other bloggers. “Lacunæ” – a new word and one I shall use in future. Thank you.
1. It is unreasonable to compare the greatest strikers in the world to Theo and our other heroes.
2. I think you would agree that the combined attacking talents of Bayern Munich and Barcelona are considerable yet they couldn’t beat a Chelsea team who sat back and bored the world. It takes good fortune as well as accuracy of shooting.
2a. Teams did not park the bus in times past, they simply didn’t. I cannot think of a team who tried it before the arrival of Jose M. The idea of leaving a lone striker upfront and playing 10 men within 25m of one’s own goal is relatively new.
Weedonald,
That is a seriously good point.
We don’t shoot accurately enough!!! You are so right. However men in the box, there is one GK, maybe one or two on the line, but that still leaves gaps.
Micky. I have re-read the post and once again it had me laughing.
You should write more . Rocky does Monday, TA often will do the match report, BR the PM, so why don’t you give us a regular Friday article?
p.s. How did the Cheese and Wine party go? Did your guests appreciate the cheddar cubes with pineapple?
Raddy morning,
Weedonald does have a good point though. We have had to put up with bloody awful Persie free kicks since Henry buggered off to win things.
Perhaps accurate shooting at an Orc’s nether regions would be a great boon to our nation…. it may stop them spawning.
Ha ha,
My Ploughman’s went down a storm. Cider it was. Really good day.
That is true though both Arteta and Cazorla are an improvement and I love it when TV blasts one. I would hate to be in the wall when he starts his run-up.
You appear to have a wonderful life down there in the Wild West. Goodonya.
We went to a Rock n roll garden party with the Danish version of the Stray Cats playing Eddie Cochran, Buddy Holly and Elvis stuff. Loads of rockabillies and jiving. Loved it.
We are definately getting more “shooters” in the side.
Raddy,
Saw the Stray Cats in Paris about ’82. They completely stormed the place. Iranian Embassy style!
Mmm, that Iranian Embassy line could be lost on one or two!
Iranian Embassy, Cliff Thorburn and Alex Higgins.
Thorburn was the snooker equivalent of the bus-parking orcs.
So Wenger is to be offered a new deal to keep him at the club beyond 2014 when his current contract expires.
The doomboys will have a field day;
‘Rewarded for 7 years of failure’
‘£10m* a year for being a bookkeeper’ ( *figure plucked from thin air)
‘Arsenal show a lack of ambition in not recruiting Poolis’
‘Why I still won’t go back and support the club I love’
Chas,
Embassy, Thorburn, Higgins? Cannot work out the connection.
My comment referred to the Stray Cats single Storm The Iranian Embassy. Thought I’d better clear that up before some fanatic Fatwa’s me 😦
Chas – you forgot ‘he sells our best players’ and ‘feeder club’ 🙂
Micky – nay, you silenced Stan yesterday and Steve is a Buddhist 🙂
Raddy – DidIt Friday sounds delicious
2 days now.
Micky,
Haha, the 1980 snooker final was interrupted to show footage of the storming of the Iranian Embassy.
Evonne,
That’s to keep little Stanley Krankie in the manner to which he’s accustomed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkH5HcO5rvQ
We want DidIt Friday
We want DidIt Friday
Anywhere you like
Peaches always buys some, I prefer a greasy burger
Oooooh, the atmosphere of the match days…
Chas,
Oh ok.
As for a friday slot from me, well, you really don’t know me that well do you! Commitment, routine, regular…….ROLF LAMOW
Morning all,
We have chosen not to focus on yesterdays findings on Hillsborough in today’s post.
We are not a politcal blog. The Hillsborough tragedy was a human tragedy and far transcends football. All football supporters should feel solidarity with the people of Liverpool over the complete mismanagement on that day, the subsequent disgraceful cover up and just the totally unnecessary loss of human life.
I hope that the vile chanting about Heysel, the Munich air disaster and other equally offensive topics will be erased from our game.
LAMOW 🙂
I don’t know you at all, Sir Michael of DidItery. I’ve only met you a handful of times.
right foot, left foot, elbow 🙂
Well said, Rasp.
As an aside, someone commented yesterday that Arsenal refused to put up fences and was consequently dropped as a semi-final venue. The club does get it right often.
Bloody excellent Ollie clip (made by a girl or a french homosexual I assume) (not that I have anything against either group) but looking at the skill and aggression, the goals will flow.
and yellow cards 🙂
Are you feeling some stirrings, Micky?
He is so not my sort, Chas.
I like him
PLMSOL
Morning all again…….
….. New post ……..