Never mind what the newspapers say or what “inside sources” claim to know, there’s only one sure way to determine which of our supposed transfer targets have a realistic chance of joining Arsenal.
I refer, of course, to the arcane art of the anagram.
Mystics have long believed that rearranging the letters of a person’s name can reveal hidden truths about them and their destiny.
So it’s no surprise that Maggie Thatcher converts easily into “That grim EEC hag”; or that Tony Blair PM is “I’m Tory Plan B” and President Boris Yeltsin became “Isn’t one terribly pissed?”
So, with this in mind, I have run a few of our alleged targets through the anagram scrambler and the results are quite revealing.
For example, it becomes obvious that Gervinho was always going to be coming to N5 once you realise his anagram is “In H. Grove”.
Likewise there’s no chance of us ever signing Kevin Doyle because, quite simply, he is an “Evil Donkey.” Not that we needed an anagram scrambler to figure that one out.
And Jermain Defoe – “No Jedi, Me Fear” – was always a non-starter. With only three league goals last season the Force was definitely not with little Jermain.
However the powers of anagram are capricious and don’t always make things so clear cut. I’m in two minds about what their insights tell us about Per Mertesacker, the big German defender. As a “Pecker Streamer” does that mean he’s a long streak of p*ss? Or does it mean he’s going to p*ss all over the opposition? Tough one. Maybe he’s just got an STD.
No such ambiguity with Christopher Samba, I’m afraid. “Chamber Pot’s Hairs” tells it’s own story. He may be a big strong centre back, but if he joins us he’ll be as welcome as a pube on a toilet seat.
Nor is young Dutch defender Jan Vertonghen coming to us, as his anagram makes clear: “No have Jnr gent.”
Gary Cahill on the other hand gives you everything you want from a central defender. We often talk about needing a CB who is a tower of strength, a man mountain, rock solid at the back. Well, Gary is “A Hilly Crag” and that’s good enough for me.
And if we need some back-up to come off the bench when Alex Song gets hurt, there is an intriguing possibility in the shape of AS Saint-Etienne’s Blaise Matuidi, whose letters unscramble to reveal “A timid sub? A lie!” Fierce substitutes – that’s what we want.
Finally, to add some goal threat, how about Wigan’s Hugo Rodallega? Is his anagram – “Good large haul,” a hint that he would win the Golden Boot if he joined us? Hard to tell. Maybe he’s just a prolific angler in his spare time.
Anyway, given that it’s well known how Arsene Wenger leaves nothing to chance in his preparations, I have little doubt that he devotes an hour a day to analysing the results of his official AFC anagram scrambler, pondering over the hidden meanings of results such as:
Wayne Rooney – Nan Were Yoyo
John Terry – Re JT: Horny
Nemjana Vidic – Maniac Jived
Dani Alves – Anal Dives
If you have got this far, thankyou for humouring me with this untypical post. Sometimes the seriousness of everything is such a drag that one tries to lighten the mood.
And I have no doubt that if you’re so inclined you can easily outdo my anagrams in the comments below…
Note from admin:
It is likely that the site stats will pass a million hits today. How befitting that we celebrate this landmark with another brilliantly amusing and innovative post from RockyLives. Thanks to all the great authors and contribuors who have made Arsenal Arsenal such a success. COYRRG