Secret Letters Reveal Arsenal Transfer Plans

Yes, it’s that time again: time to find out which of the “transfer target” stories have legs and which don’t, based on an ancient and secret formula for decoding the gossip and separating the silver from the dross.

The key lies in the letters.

No, not letters from Dick Law to various European club presidents saying “Please can we have player X. We will give you lots of money eventually but only after we have haggled until the last second of the transfer window. Go on – please.”

It’s far more mysterious than that.

You see just as astrologers find hidden meaning in the music of the spheres and phrenologists divine whole futures from the bumps on your bonce, so too can skilled observers detect clues from the very letters that make up the names of our purported targets.

I am such a skilled observer so, once again, I can proudly reveal the results of the Arsenal Arsenal Anagramometer. It’s a very simple process: you take the letters of a given target’s name, scramble them into new words – and in those words lie the answers to whether those players are right for the Mighty Arsenal or – in some cases – are definitely heading our way.

For example, a couple of summers ago there was a story linking us with a move for the Wolves and Ireland striker Kevin Doyle. There were even some indications that the Arsenal hierarchy really were looking at him as a stop-gap target man.

However, once the Arsenal Arsenal Anagramometer revealed that when you scramble “Kevin Doyle” you get “Evil Donkey” the club dropped him like a hot potato. And rightly so.

Likewise I could have told you weeks ago that Yaya Sanogo would be joining us after I scrambled his letters and came up with: “As a Goon? Yay!”

So now we move onto this summer’s mooted targets. The secrets that emerge from the anagramometer may surprise you…

Stevan Jovetic

The Montenegran striker currently at Fiorentina has been very strongly linked with us this summer. I don’t doubt his skills, but the letters show that he may be motivated by personal greed and may have an arrogant personality that won’t gel with the rest of the dressing room: “Vain – Covets Jet.”

Gonzalo Higuain

Sometimes the revelations of the letters are clear – sometimes they are more cryptic. Higuain comes into the latter category. The supremely gifted, two-footed Argentinian striker has apparently told Real Madrid that he wants to leave – but will he come to us? His scrambled letters come out as “Laughing In A Zoo.” Now that could be a reflection of how he feels currently in the crazy world of Mourinho’s Madrid. Or it could be a metaphor for him having a happy and successful time in the middle of Arsenal’s menagerie of prize specimens from all over the world. I like Higuain so I hope it’s the latter.

Wayne Rooney

Poor old Wazza. We’ve unscrambled him before and it always just comes out as “Nan Were Yoyo.” The idea of a grannie bouncing up and down on a teenage Wayne is guaranteed to put anyone off their supper. And I’m afraid it guarantees that we will not be seeing Rooney with a cannon on his chest.

Edinson Cavani

If we want someone who is the anti-Rooney, then Edinson – who’s been banging in the goals for Napoli – is our man. It’s all in the letters, you see: “Nice – Avoids Nan.”

Julio Cesar

Another cryptic one. Julio’s letters unscramble as “Jail Course”. I know it looks confusing at first glance, but to the trained eye it’s another story – and one that almost certainly means he’s on his way to our squad this summer. For a start, he has had a course of confinement in the jail that was QPR’s relegation season under chief warder ‘Appy ‘Arry and he is clearly desperate to breathe again the fresh air of freedom. Secondly, the meaning of “jail” in the context of a goalkeeper is “secure, safe.” Basically, we’re going to sign Cesar and he’s going to be great.

Victor Wanyama

Unfortunately the letters in the Celtic defensive midfielder’s name do not reveal whether or not he’s joining us – but they do show that if we  get him, we will be getting a player with oodles of confidence: “I Can Avow My Art.”

Clement Grenier

Arseblogger himself has a little dabble at anagramising Clement’s name yesterday. He came up with “Gentlemen Crier” for the Lyon midfielder. Nice try ‘Blogger, but it takes years of dedication to master this particular art. In fact the true unscrambling of the Frenchman’s name suggests that if we get him this summer, it will only be a loan basis and that he will be very, very good: “Renting Le Crème.”

David Villa

I was gutted when I saw the way the letters fell with the Barcelona and Spain striker Villa. He’s a great player and I was hoping we might get him this summer. But “Advil Valid” suggests that if we do, it will be a headache for all concerned. Steer clear, Arsene!

Lars Bender

Who needs an anagram when you’re called Lars Bender, you might well ask. But even the most amusing names can benefit from a spin cycle in the anagramometer. And when we throw in the young Bayern Leverkusen midfielder we find that he might fit in ever so smoothly with our existing midfielders: “Rare Blends.”

Christian Benteke

If Arsene is tempted by the Aston Villa striker I feel impelled to warn him that it would be an unwise gamble. The naturalized Belgian (he was born in the Democratic Republic of the Congo) has had a good season in the Premier League but would be overpriced and may well suffer from second season syndrome. The letters are emphatic on what we should think of Wenger if he signs him: “Arsene In Thick Bet.”

Finally a player with whom we have not yet been officially linked but… you never know. After all, no-one was expecting that Sol Campbell would abandon the swamp dwellers and move to The Home of Football.

Gareth Bale

Let’s just say that if the Welsh Wing Wizard joins us, first he will have to have a “Large Bathe” to remove all traces of N17 pollution… you know, little bits of choke dust, some motes of envy and speckles of spite – all the usual detritus of lingering too long in the shadows.

That’s it.

Thank you for indulging my fondness for anagrams.

If it’s not your thing, no problem – it would still be great to hear what you think are the merits or failings of the above named players with whom we have been widely linked.

RockyLives

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58 Responses to Secret Letters Reveal Arsenal Transfer Plans

  1. naked goon says:

    All well and good, but let us consider those on our books namely one NICKLAS BENDTNER. One shake of the tiles reveal
    SEND BACK NIL RENT which indicates in no uncertain terms a return to Arsenal by the Italian giants who have opted for traditional Latin to say they will not have him on loan any longer or at least they will not pay for his presence.

  2. Owusu-afriyie akwesi says:

    I must say im highly impressed with ur piece. Please keep it up.

  3. Ian Ure Face says:

    Nice one Sicky Lover. :)

    Shreks full name is Wayne Mark Rooney . Quite a few Wank(s) and Wanker(s) out of that, 1131 and 216 to be precise !, but I`ll just provide 2 if that’s ok, as typing them all is bound to give me a weak wrist !. hahaha

    Rear Men Wank Yo Yo

    Yo ! Anymore Wanker ?

    Not sure whether that changes your view on him as an acquisition !. hahaha

  4. eromzy says:

    Lol its nice and humorous.. cool piece

  5. Rasp says:

    Clever stuff Rocky :)

    Gareth Bale …. ‘Grab he late’ … a possibility?

    Edinson Cavani …. maybe Arsene … ‘Can avoid nines’

    Clement Grenier … unlikely as he ….. ‘Nil merge centre’

    But perhaps Julio Cesar may get AW’s … ‘Oral juices’ … flowing

  6. Mesfin says:

    I loved your article!!! it’s dame funny, brilliant!

  7. GunnerN5 says:

    “Rocky Lives”

    “O” Very slick……………..

  8. Norfolk Gooner says:

    Good morning to you all.

    Pulitzer Prize winning post Rocky, absolutely brilliant.

  9. naked goon says:

    or CLEMENT GRENIER as the EMIGRE ENTERN CL suggesting the one who leaves to storm or conquer (German) the Champions League.
    He could well be our man !!!!

  10. naked goon says:

    by the way, a superb close season article, I doff my millinary apparel to thee

  11. sai says:

    Wow! What an entertainer Rocky! Enjoyed reading it.. When the transfer market is dull, as its been for us over the years, such a good read relaxes the mind.

  12. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Absolutely stunning post Rocky. Love it.

    My favourite things: wit, elegance, and summer transfer speculation.

    Been away for a week, and seriously behind with work, so it’s sporadic visitations from me.

  13. That’s given me a great chortle Mr Rock. I’m a complete duffer when it comes to anagrams but even I can see the laughs here.

    And for more laughs it appears Denilson has had his contract cancelled “by mutual consent” according to his agent. That assumes you can believe a word agents say.

    Finally, in more naueseating news, Chavski have confirmed the Specious One as their new manager. I give it 3 months before him and the Siberian gangster start bickering/having rows. :)

  14. gus says:

    This is a tremendous post. Sad that it hasn’t got any sort of a response. Its gonna be a long summer.

  15. GunnerN5 says:

    .
    Looks like Arsenal have started to wield the ax.

    ………………………………………………………………………………………..

    Denilson’s agent, Alexandre Soares, has confirmed the midfielder is free to leave Arsenal and that a number of clubs are weighing up moves for his services.

    “I can confirm Denilson and Arsenal have agreed to terminate his contract at the end of this month,” Soares told Sky Sports.

    “Denilson is free to move to another club and a number of clubs are interested in him.

  16. RockyLives says:

    Good day all. Thanks for indulging this bit of nonsense.

    I thought a bit of levity might be nice before we get into the serious business of picking our best ever goalie from tomorrow for the rest of the week.

    I have to confess I have been mulling this one in advance and it’s really, really tough – but I’m sure that Gn5’s biogs of the main contenders will help me make up my mind.

  17. RockyLives says:

    Gus (and others)
    Thanks for the kind words. To be honest it’s not the sort of Post that’s really designed to stimulate a response (although I really enoyed some of the other anagrams that have been suggested, particularly Naked Goon’s one for Nicklas Bendtner: Send Back, Nil Rent :) )

  18. RockyLives says:

    Anyone got any thoughts on AW’s comments reported today about Rooney and Cesc?

    He has basically said nice things about both of them while also hinting at their current problems.

    Naturally the press have extrapolated from that that he is “after” both.

    I thought his comments about Rooney and Moyes were particularly mischievous. Was he trying to unsettle the relationship with a view to enticing Wazza to Arsenal? Or just stirring things up for the hell of it?

    I don’t expect us to get Rooney and the smart money seems to be on him going abroad, but I don’t see him as the sort of man who would enjoy living in a foreign country, so you never know.

  19. Mr Rock, I think he was just on a bit of a wind up regarding Shrek, and the stuff about Cesc ws just a general comment and nothing more.
    I don’t think we’ll get either Shrek or Villa; maybe Higuain if we’re lucky but I can see the northern Camel shaggers getting first dibs at him.

  20. naked goon says:

    hey ho, despair comes. From Francesc Fabregas Soler I can find Barca Farce but cannot add more.
    Any offers to continue??

  21. Sherry says:

    Brilliant and hilarious Rocky! Made my night :D

  22. Red Arse says:

    Very enjoyabubble, Croaky Shore. :-)

    Anagramalistically Far too clever for me!

    Fortunately I have a much quicker and more fittingly easy way to find my way through transfer rumours and innuendos.

    I carefully peruse the ‘headline’ and if it says ‘eyeing’ ‘preparing a bid’ ‘Arsenal target’ ‘set sights’ etc, then I know they are lying bastardos!!

    A cast iron guarantee that we will not buy a player is if “x pleads with Wenger to come and get me” or “x’s agent confirms that a deal is imminent” or finally, (an unknown foreign source) claims Arsenal are leading the race to sign z”.

    That pretty much covers all the bollix, and I am content to sit back and wait for AFC to make an announcement, while happily reading thru the rumours while all the time scoffing at them derisively! :D

    I cannot be assed to go back and check, but were you the culprit who said Gonzal Higuain was the brother of Go Zheikh Mahand?

  23. Big Raddy says:

    Very funny. As always you give us a new viewpoint and as you rightly say you are highly skilled in this regard.

    Like Chary, I am a duffer with yer anagrams.

  24. Anyone know the odds on who will be Mourinho’s replacement in October ?

  25. RockyLives says:

    BR
    My self-praise was meant to be ironic, but thankyou anyway :)

    Incidentally, an anagram of Big Raddy is “I’d Drag By.”

    No, I don’t know what it means either :)

  26. RockyLives says:

    Greetings Redders
    “Go Zheikh Mahand” :)

    Did you watch Brazil-England?

  27. Red Arse says:

    I only watched it briefly, Corky Veils, I find it hard to be bothered.

    I caught the Rooney and Ox goals, somewhat fortuitously, and they were really good.

    I did see, however, most of the USA v Germany game, and watched our Per miss an easy chance with his shaky tap unerringly sliding by on the wrong side of the goal.
    Plenty of goals with the US winning 4:3. :-)

  28. RockyLives says:

    I had no great desire to watch it either but I watched the goals on Youtube.

    Great strike by Oxo but I’m not sure Rooney’s would have been a goal without the deflection…

    As for Per… at least we didn’t sign him for his goal scoring exploits :)

  29. MickyDidIt89 says:

    R A
    Cant be bothered with transfer gossip
    Cant be bothered to watch The Ox against Brazil
    One word. … Lazy :-)
    Talking of lazy, my return to hard work finds me at TheEden Project to watch Eddie Izzard tonight.
    Hard work will be the death of ItDid

  30. Sherry says:

    looks like I’m the only girl here..where are Evonne and Peaches..

  31. Clever and funny post! Exactly what the doctor prescribed for the long footyless summer. Friendlies are not football, except for when Ox scores.

    I can see Wayne and Coleen wanting to go to Paris, why not :) Not exactly Liverpool or Manchester, but it has its charms

  32. RockyLives says:

    Right on cue Sherry… (evonne is posing as “friendly troll” :) )

  33. RockyLives says:

    Micky
    Is summer your busy time of the year? Or does this just happen to be a particularly busy period?

  34. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Wayne in Paris is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard ROLF

    Rocky
    I’ve actually never been busier but right now pleasure is so getting in the way

  35. RockyLives says:

    I’m glad you’re busy Micky (I think :) )

  36. Sherry says:

    Rocky: Oh I see..the same avatar..:)

  37. chas says:

    Nice one, Rocky.
    My favourite football-related anagram is Colin Wanker for Neil Warnock. There’s definitely some truth in them there secret letters.

  38. Red Arse says:

    So, are we signing him Chas? :-)

  39. Big Raddy says:

    Good to have Didit back in the pub.

  40. CharyB, at 4.37pm :-)

    odds on at 4/7

  41. Phil says:

    How ’bout ( Teddy) Sheringham MINGE RASHH !

  42. RockyLives says:

    Phil :) brilliant

  43. Tony Pullis = Insult Ploy, very appropriate

  44. Big Raddy says:

    You guys are too smart.

    Great to read that Rosicky is staying next season. Irish will be happy.

  45. chas says:

    Morning, Micky.
    How was camping?
    Where’s the video?

  46. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Morning Chas :-)

    Nice to see that Raddy’s Bar opened nice and early as usual.

    Not camping. It was Dads and two children each in a wee house on the West Coast of Scotland. Bar one, sunshine every day.

    Not much left alive up there.

  47. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Look I realize the mature ones on this site won’t like this, but hasn’t a source linked us to someone horribly expensive from Brazil or anywhere exciting?

  48. Big Raddy says:

    Morning All,

    This is a very good interview with AW who looks relaxed and in good form away from the UK media…

    If you have a spare 25mins …..

    http://www.en.aljazeerasport.tv/OurProgrammes/clip/2216730

  49. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Morning Raddy,

    25 mins! Could be a blog killer, but I’ll watch it later.

    Must do some serious work today :-(

    Are you in the “like” or “hate” transfer speculation camp? The latter I suspect, what with being considerably more sensible than moi :-)

  50. Big Raddy says:

    Micky. How wrong you are – I am in the “love” camp – except when it involves my favourite players leaving AFC.

    I am afraid I love a bit of gossip

  51. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Excellent news Raddy.

    I’ll go and find a “Neymar to Arsenal Leak” and we can chat about that :-)

  52. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Ok, back to back, wall to wall meetings all day.

    I really hate the sort of people who have “meetings”.

  53. Morning all

    ……………New Post ……………………

  54. naked goon says:

    one last go, Wayne Rooney works out as ONE ON YER WAY, which seems to suggest that King Tubby is leaving and he will find time for a quick one in transit
    . Take your pick of Potato Head’s favourite quickies from a crafty fag/ triple cheeseburger/ gallon of lager/ an old dear, or just fill in your own.
    tickety tock

  55. RockyLives says:

    Naked
    Would you like him to come our way?

  56. naked goon says:

    If the kind of wages Rooney would demand were to be paid, I would rather have paid them to RVP and put in the bid for him (WR) last year to unsettle United, but we don’t behave in that way which is a shame as we have the appearance of a bit of a rollover and sell club.
    I think AW is actually trying to create a little disturbance here and generate interest in Tubbychops so that one of them pays well over the odds for an indisciplined but talented player. Chelsea is his most likely UK destination.
    In diverting attention to Spudface, he can go and quietly pickup Higuain or/and Michu.
    I would welcome Julio Cesar, if only to say “JC Saves”,”he deals well with crosses”, etc and he might enjoy a career resurrection with us.

    Great post Rocky, if newspapers had content like this, I might buy one of the feckers.

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