Wenger’s Perfect Christmas Present

The thing about Christmas gifts is that they often tell you more about the giver than the receiver.

Like when your wife gets you a set of DIY tools even though the only thing that’s ‘handy’ about you is the pair of appendages at the end of your wrists. Basically, she’s telling you to fix the broken curtain rail, or else.

So when I was killing an idle moment speculating on what would make the perfect Christmas present for Arsène Wenger, I realised that it would all depend on who the gift was coming from.

For instance, a set of fine towels sent to the boss from Lady Nina would have a totally different meaning to an equivalent gift from Tony Pulis.

And a “Have A Great Break” Christmas card from Ivan Gazidis would be a whole lot more palatable than the same message from Ryan Shawcross.

In that spirit, the list that follows is what I think the perfect Christmas present to Monsieur Wenger would be from a selection of people about whom we may all hold strong opinions.

And when I say perfect, I mean from Arsène’s (and Arsenal’s) point of view.

From Sir Alex Ferguson: A copy of his secret text book: “How To Win Ugly.” However, this present will turn out to be a disappointment for Arsène. Far from being a manual on how to grind out results while playing like a well-heeled Blackburn, the book is, in fact, a series of portrait photographs of Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney.

From Tony Pulis: The Stoke City 2011 souvenir football, complete with club crest. Unfortunately Arsène will not be able to do his trademark keepy-uppies with it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkchgKFTKys), because the ball is oval shaped.

From Pep Guardiola: A syringe and a specimen bottle, with a request that the objects be used to extract the Barcelona DNA from our captain and return it to Catalunia, where it can be injected into Barca’s youth players. (Arsène will sabotage the plan by filling the specimen bottle with Essence of Eboue, which will cause the Barca youth team to grin a lot and put itching powder in each other’s underpants).

From Julian ‘Wikileaks’ Assange: The secret dossier that reveals how both Dennis Bergkamp and David Seaman were deliberately targeted with laser rifles (causing momentary blindness) during certain key moments of a 1999 FA Cup semi final. The confidential papers also reveal who paid for the hit: Alex Ferguson and Sky Sports.

From Harry Redknapp: An important email message:

Subject: Contact me urgently

MR.HAROLD REDKANPP,
BANK OF COCK  PLC

LAGOS NIGERIA

RE: TRANSFER OF ($19,780,000.00 USD) NINETEEN MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED AND EITHY THUSAND DOLLARS(URGENT & CONFIDENTIAL)

Dear Friend Wenker,

I have the honor and confidence to introduce you to this business in view of the fact that you are trustworthy and reliable.

I am Mr.Harald Rednakp

I work in the foreign Payment Department of BANK OF COCK PLC LAGOS NIGERIA.

There is an account opened in our bank in 1990 but since 1996 nobody has operated on this account again.

After a private investigation I discovered that the owner of this account was a foreigner who has since died without having a beneficiary to this account.

My investigation proved to me also that nobody from the company knows about this account since the company has not become operational.

The amount contained in this account is US$19,780,000 USD.

It is my wish and intention to take this fund abroad for investment and I am believing you are a trusty man. THIS IS OPPRTUNTY TO GOOD TO MISS. OH YES.

My colleague and I will need you to send an existing account for us to transfer the money into. Please send me all your bank details including account number, sort code, secret password and PIN number at once and you become very rich man Mister oh yes.

Contact me urgently at twitchyisabentcnut@yahoo.com

Best Regards,
Mr. Hairy Redknip.

From Emmanuel Adebayor:  One banjo (worse for wear). One cow’s arse (as new).

From Ashley Cole: A selection of store cards, with the following note: “Dear Arsene, I have been sent these cards by some of the stores where I regularly shop. These include Phones 4 U (mobile phones), Victoria’s Secret (sexy lingerie for my many ladies) and Harrods (butt plugs). I do not know why I have been sent these things. It says that they are ‘loyalty cards’ but I do not know what ‘loyalty’ means. I thought perhaps you could pass them on to Tony Adams for me…”

From Alan Pardew: A DVD copy of Rocky and a brief note: “Round Two – It’s On.” What Pardew doesn’t know is that Arsène keeps a knuckle duster in that knee-length duvet coat. He confiscated it from Armand Traore.

From Sam Allardyce: A polite letter:

“Dear Mr Wenger,

As you kno, I have always admired yure work and the way yure teams play futball.

But no team is perfect and if you shud find yourself thinking that maybe you do be needing sum extra tactical coaching then perhaps you mite consider me for a job.

Please.

I really need a job. Pretty please.

Yours insinseerly,

Sam.

PS: I am not fat like they say I am and I will eat broccoli if that’s wot you want. Please giv me a job.

From Phil Brown: A litre bucket of fake tan, with a note: “Get your orange side going Arsène – you look pale enough to be English. Mind you, I don’t use the stuff meself; my skin was made for me at World of Leather in Purley Way, Croydon. It’ll last for ever.”

From Alisher Usmanov: Princess Leia, and Han Solo in a carbonite panel.

From the Supporters of Manchester United: A vow to replace their repulsive anti-Wenger chant with a new version that celebrates his love of French wine. From now on, the Old Trafford faithful will sing: “Sit Down You Oenophile*…”

And to finish on a more practical note, if it was down to me, Arsène’s perfect Christmas present would be a win against Chelsea on December 27th. Once we break our hoodoo with the top sides there’ll be no stopping us.

What would you wish Arsène for Christmas?

RockyLives

  • Oenophile: a lover of fine wine; a connoisseur.
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36 Responses to Wenger’s Perfect Christmas Present

  1. Morning all

    Thanks Rocky for a great laugh this morning, I’m sorry but I can’t stick around at the moment be back later.

  2. Jack says:

    Harry redknapp part was hilarious lol.

  3. Andy Mack says:

    From Sir Alex Ferguson: A copy of his secret text book: “How To Win Ugly.” The answer is ‘play at Odd Triffid, the home of the premiership referee’!

  4. MickyDidIt89 says:

    Great geat post Rocky,
    My personal favourites:
    Towels from Pulis, although Winning Ugly by SAF comes in a very close second.

  5. dandan says:

    Well done Rocky real good Christmas cracker stuff.

    I have sent Him a rose called Coles Glory from our lcal garden centre ( sorry Rasp), the description say’s not much good in a bed, but performs well against the garden wall

  6. Red Arse says:

    Morning Rocky, you are a star! :-)

    Thoroughly enjoyed all your prezzie suggestions but Big Sam’s and ‘Nigerian ‘Arry’s letters are so realistic I thought you had filched them from their files! :-)

    How about Arsene’s prezzies for his players?

    For Bendy; A pair of specs and a pair of ballerina shoes to replace the lead boots.
    For Eboue; A set of stabilizers.
    For Almunia; A pet octupus to stick up his jersey on match days.
    For Cesc; A clown’s mask to make him look happy.
    For Squidgy; A pair of 6″ stilleto boots to aid heading.

    Over to you guys! :-)

  7. Vinay says:

    Hahaha, really nice and ya the ones about Fergie for me are the best and so are the Assange wikileaks one though it was a fact about the laser beam being targeted on Dennis.

  8. RockyLives says:

    Just a bit of Christmas fun. Thanks all for indulging me.

    I like Redders’ suggestions for AW’s gifts to the players – but I think the stiletto boots could be a good idea for half the squad.

  9. udehsam says:

    Dandan, u’re a sweet pervert!! how could you have written it so innocently, yet having undertones? i like that.

  10. dandan says:

    Udesham u sussed me.

  11. RockyLives says:

    Dandan – love the rose gag.

  12. Neamman says:

    Great post
    Merry Xmas to all on the board from a snowy Canada.

  13. RockyLives says:

    Not much snow in Toronto Neamann. Blue skies as well.

  14. dandan says:

    Neanam, Merry christmas, just read your yesterday comment, I was born in 43 so suspect I may be older than you to.
    Amazing how the years fly

  15. kelsey says:

    Great post,great blog.

    A Merry Xmas to you all from sunny Marbella,Spain ;)

  16. dandan says:

    Hi Kelsey Merry Christmas mate, hope the good lady is well.

  17. Rasp says:

    Afternoon all,

    Great witty post Rocky :P – are you sure you’re not Edmund Blackadder?

    Merry Christmas kelsey and dandan.

  18. RockyLives says:

    Usually I feel more like Baldrick Rasp.

  19. RockyLives says:

    Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
    Private Baldrick: I’m carving something on a bullet, sir.
    Captain Blackadder: What are you carving?
    Private Baldrick: I’m carving “Baldrick”, sir.
    Captain Blackadder: Why?
    Private Baldrick: It’s part of a cunning plan, sir.
    Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
    Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there’s a bullet with your name on it?
    Captain Blackadder: Yes?
    Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I’ll never get hit by it. Cause I’ll never shoot myself…
    Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
    Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being two bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
    Captain Blackadder: Yes, it’s not the only thing that is “very small indeed”. Your brain for example is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

  20. gunnern5 says:

    So sorry i’ve been AWOL for the past fwe days but my daughter bought me new PC (Windows 7)for Xmas and it took a while to clean up the old PC and then transfer all of the files and data.

    I appreciate all of the nice kind from yesterday.

    Great post today Rocky. My gift to Arsene would be a pair of new glasses fitted with special wide angle lenses so that he can never again say that he missed an incident!

    Seasons greetings to you all and yours and I hope that you all have a healthy and wealthy 2011 – and that we get some — SILVERWARE!!!!

  21. Rasp says:

    :lol: Rocky,

    Blackadder: “Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.

    Blackadder: We’re in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

    Blackadder: I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my – hang on…

  22. RockyLives says:

    Classic Rasp :)

  23. charybdis1966 says:

    Thanks for the larfs R lives, I especially like your Uzbeki Jabba reference.

    Raspers, I’ve put a post up in drafts if you need one over the next few days.

    If you can work some magic on the pics that’d be cool; I’ve shot a video of the walk down the players tunnel, do you want me to add that ?

  24. Hours of endless fun for you Blackadderites

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/blackadder/quotes/index.shtml

    My gift to you this Xmas xx

  25. Hi chary – thanks for the post. Try uploading the video onto a new post and then we can have a look at it.

    Did you take your boys on the tour? I’m such a groupie, I was really starstruck to be standing in the dressing-room :oops:

    Was there a shirt for Szeczney yet?

  26. charybdis1966 says:

    Hi Peachy, I’ve tried to upload the video but it’s not worked – I’ll just e mail it to you.

    Both my boys went and I’ve got more pics on my FB page.

    No shirt for Chesney yet.

    The Verminators was there though.

  27. Carlito11 says:

    Rocky- quality post- what I’d like for Xmas more posts like this- never seen a slicker jab(ba) at usmanov! Would also like more magic heal ups as in coin ops of yore to fix our injured heroes. Santa are you listening?

  28. Carlito11 says:

    And a merry Xmas to all AAers! You lot make me get online at 2am on my honeymoon in case I miss out on too much fun :-)

  29. charybdis1966 says:

    I may not be on much tomorrow so in which case I say all the best for Xmas to you Carlito and all other AA’ers out there.

    And remember Chary’s golden rule – It’s easier to find a Unicorn than a ManUre fan from Manchester.

  30. RockyLives says:

    Merry Christmas to everyone in the wonderful AA community.
    It’s weird to have found so many friends whom I wouldn’t recognise if they walked past me in the street…

  31. gnarleygeorge9 says:

    Merry xmas, what kept you?

  32. gnarleygeorge9 says:

    :oops; 2 minutes early

  33. gnarleygeorge9 says:

    Its almost Boxing Day here

  34. RockyLives says:

    Hope you have a great one Gnarley.

  35. Rasp says:

    Merry Christmas everyone :P ….. new post …..

  36. goonermichael says:

    Merry Christmas everyone. I’m already pissed and The goose smells fantastic happy days.

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